a working story and an apology

emraphoto

emraphoto

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This is a story about photographing war, an account of the impact it has had on one mans life and an apology.

In very early 2012 I began planning a series of trips into Syria to document the internal Sunni uprising against the ruling Alawite minority government. I spoke with members of RFF who have either family history in the region or have visited/lived in the region throughout the past 10 years. The response was a resounding ‘stay home on this one’. A friend at RFF warned me that things were going to get vicious and very, very dangerous. This is, of course, exactly what happened.

I spent a total of 4 months in and out of Syria between 2012 and 2013 with assignments from numerous large readership outlets, many of whom I have worked for in the past. Much of the work produced ran across North America and Europe and I wrote articles for a few of these outlets while there. I managed to get deep inside the country for long stretches and lived amongst fighting branches of the Free Syrian Army. The fighting was constant, heavy and the casualties were high. Nobody was safe and men, women and children were viable targets and, as many already know, journalists were also in this pool. In short, Syria was an incredibly vicious and bloody affair and I was no stranger to combat at this point.

I returned home in late 2012 with a short visit planned for 2013. It wasn’t until I had been home for a few weeks that I began to notice the beginnings of the upcoming battle I was going to experience on the home front. PTSD had buried itself deep inside of me and began to steadily dismantle my life by Christmas of 2012. As of now, November of 2013 this battle was to cost me my marriage, my home, a large portion of my career and most of my friends outside of photojournalism. PTSD made it almost impossible to remember anything that was going on in my life day to day, it drained any enthusiasm I had for anything and created such incredible anxiety that most days I hid from everyone and everything. By the spring of 2013 I was suicidal and count myself lucky to this day to be alive. I lost almost everything that I had built up in my life, lost professional friends to the conflict as well as eroded my reputation.

The point of this post is not to elicit empathy for me. If anything, we should be doing everything in our power to address the largest humanitarian tragedy of our time, which is the mass flight of the Syrian people from their homeland. The point of this is to serve as a warning for all the aspiring conflict photographers out there and to add a point of resistance to the romantic notion of the work. Much of the impact that conflict has on individuals and families, that happens after the return, goes unnoticed and this needs to be addressed. For the aspiring conflict photographer, please be very, very thoughtful about the impact this profession can have on both you and others. The flow of fresh, inexperienced freelancers waiting on the borders of Jordan, Turkey and Lebanon was alarming and many of them had no media contacts or commitments in place. I implore anyone with the notion of doing this sort of thing, speak with some of the experienced folks out there about preparing yourself for the psychological impact you are guaranteed to experience. Often, and I attest to this, it is easier to return to this work than to try and settle into home.

Don McCullin article on covering Britain versus flying off to cover foreign wars;

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-e...ys-war-photographer-don-mccullin-8947692.html

Ashley Gilbertson on his experiences in Iraq and PTSD;

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/12/overexposed-a-photographers-war-with-ptsd/266468/

To anyone here at RFF I have forgotten, let down or caused any grief in my dealings with them, I humbly apologize. To the RFF friends who supported my career in the past, I am in your debt and truly appreciate your support. To my friends I have not answered, ignored or hid from, my deepest apologies. I hope that I can return to being a positive addition to RFF in the near future.
 
John, thanks for sharing your story. I used to be really interested in this type of thing, but it only takes one of McCullins essays to change someone's mind. I can't imagine how 2013 has been for you, but here's to a brighter 2014.
 
Thanks for sharing both your story and McCullin's. I studied photojournalism as the Libya conflict emerged, and saw how it inspired a lot of my peers become inspired to go into crisis reporting. While I heartily congratulate those who put themselves on the front lines in a foreign country, I worried about how many of them were starry-eyed and romanticizing war coverage, and how they'd come back. I also worried that it would feed into the idea that 'local news is dead' that was swirling around my university.
Best of luck into the recovery.
 
John,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I hope as well that it's a cautionary tale for others.
 
Bro I have missed you around here. I had no idea you were going through such serious implications as a result of your work. FWIW I really hope you continue to be a presence on this forum, and I wish you the absolute best in your continued recovery.

Gavin
 
John,

Seems to me nobody will hold it against you if you forgot about them (I certainly don't) after reading what you went through.

Must have been very frustrating for you to see the conflict carry on while you put your best into reporting the horrors to the world. Might be a shallow consolation now but the pictures you shot and reports you delivered will no doubt someday be recognized as contributing to the documenting of yet another war that took too many lives... No doubt in my mind. Society as a whole is endebted to you, it just doesn't know it yet!

I wish you all the best on your recovery and the reconstruction of your life man.
 
At the beginning I remember your mentioning your plans, and some reports early-on. I had wondered what happened later. Thanks for posting - it's a shocking story but it's valuable to be told. Best wishes and welcome back.
 
Very brave of you to share your story.

Glad to hear you again, always looked out for your posts.

Don't hesitate to share any difficulties going forward. And good luck.
 
John

Thank you for having the courage to tell your story and bring some reality to our world.

I am sorry for all that you have lost and hope and pray that you, with others, will find a way to rebuild your life and join with us here.

Mike
 
Everything I'd like to say seems fairly hollow after reading such an honest, open and frank account of your last year or two.

So I'll simply send you my best wishes and thank you for such honesty, which I'm sure many will benefit from.
 
I've been wondering about you John! Very sorry to hear about your problems, but am very happy that you are at a point now where you can rejoin your RFF family.
 
That's heavy John and I trust you have friends in Ldn to lean on when you hit rough patches. Hopefully you can find some respite in Medium and what you're doing there. Good luck.
 
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