Got a joke to share?

[FrankS]

Thsi guy is in a bar chatting with a woman but he's not too interested because she's quite a bit older than what he prefers. He perks up though when she suggests he join her in a mother/daughter 3some. She takes him home to her place, fixes him a drink, then calls upstairs: "Are you still up mom?"

 

[350D_user]

Time for some Spike Milligan, methinks. I think it's safe to say he had an "affinity" for the Irish.

Questioner - "I see you're wearing a Cambridge tie"
Irishman - "Oh yessir"
[pause]
Q - "You were at Cambridge?"
I - "Yessir"
Q - "And what were you doing in Cambridge?"
I - "I was buying a tie"

 

[foto_fool]

A pirate walks into a bar.

The bartender notices that he has a huge pilot wheel stuffed into the front of his pants. He asks the pirate - "Hey buddy, whatcha doin with the wheel stuffed into yer pants?"

The pirate glares at him and says - "AAAARRR! It's drivin' me NUTS!"

 

[adep]

Q: How many photographers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One-hundred. One to turn the lightbulb and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that!"

 

[adep]

A guy dressed as a pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "If you're a pirate, where are your bucaneers?"
The pirate answers "On me buckin' head!"

"arrr..."

 

[John Camp]

Guys walks into a bar, sees a really good looking woman at the other end, and says to the bartender, "I'll take a scotch, neat, and give the lady whatever she wants." The bartender says, "I'll give you a tip, buddy. Don't waste your time -- she's a lesbian." The guy says, "I don't care, give her a drink." Bartender says, "Whatever," and gives her a drink, and brings the guy his scotch. Guy takes a sip, straightens his tie, saunters over to the woman and says, "So -- how's every little thing in Beirut?"

 

[foto_fool]

John Camp - took it up a notch! Good on ya!

- John

 

[Scarpia]

A guy is leaning against a wall in the street when a well dressed lady walks by. "Maam, is my fly open?" he asks. "Why no my good man, it isn't" she replies. "Well it should be I'm pissin" he answers.
Kurt M.

 

[Tuna]

Guy walks into a bar and happens to sit down in front of a bowl of nuts. Suddenly the nuts say to the man, "Hey, that's a nice shirt you're wearing." The man is startled and before he can react, the nuts say, "I really like your hairstyle." The man stares at the nuts for a while and finally turns to the bartender and asks, "Hey, what's with the nuts?" The bartender looks over and says, "They're complimentary".

 

[erikhaugsby]

A blonde, a rabbi, a monkey, a lawyer, and an old lady walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, a joke?"

 

[mike goldberg]

A Jewish mother gives her son 2 ties for his birthday. He comes out of his room all dressed up for a big date, wearing one of the ties. Mother asks, "Whatsa matter, you don't like the other one?" 😱

 

[dostacos]

A drunk in a bar tells the bartender to buy the Douche bag at the end of the bar what ever she is drinking.

Well the bartender really tee's off on the drunk for calling one of his customers a douche bag, and the drunk says he is very sorry for his poor choice of words but he does want to buy her a drink.

The bartender relents and goes to the lady and says the man wants to buy her a drink so what would she like?

She purses her lips and says " I'll have a vinegar and water......:"

 

[dostacos]

Two young school girls spot a Scot in a kilt passed out on a park bench.

Wondering if it was true that they wore nothing under their kilts.

The first one lifted up the kilt exposing the Scot's manhood. The second one giggled and tied a blue ribbon around it.

Later that night the Scot wakes and has a raging need to answer "natures call" as he starts to relieve himself, he looks down and sees the blue ribbon and says " I don't know where 'Ya been, but I am mighty proud "ya took first prize"

 

[Scarpia]

An elderly lady is being examined by a doctor. "There's nothing wrong with you" he says "but I must say you are the dirtiest patient I have ever examined. Don't you ever take a bath?" "The last doctor told me the same thing" she replied. "Then why did you come to me?" he asked. "I wanted a second opinion" she answered.
Kurt M.

 

[Steve B]

Two guys are painting a skyscraper and one of them trips over a bucket of paint and falls to the ground. His buddy jumps in the window, runs to the ground expecting to find that his friend has "kicked the bucket" but finds that he's fine and has only "turned a little pale".

 

[Steve B]

focus

focus

Three brothers, a hog farmer, a cattle rancher and a chicken farmer decide to join forces and start a joint ranch. They can't decide what to call the venture so turn to their mother for advice on the naming. She tells them to call the farm "Focus". When they ask why she tells them the name is because it's where the "sons raise meat".

 

[Scarpia]

Another elderly lady goes to the doctor and says, "doctor I have a problem. I'm always passing gas but at least it doesn't smell or make any noise.l What can you do for me?" The doctor examines her thoroughly and says "here is a prescription, fill it, take as directed and see me in three weeks" Three weeks later the lady returns, complaining "doctor you've made things worse; I took the medicine and now my gas smells terrible." The doctor replies "now let me see what I can do about your hearing."
Kurt M.

 

[Film dino]

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

[John Camp]

Guy goes to see the doctor, and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. I'm turning into a moth." The doctor says, "Well, I'd like to help, but I'm not sure I can. Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist?" The guy says, "Yeah -- but your light was on."

 

[serpia]

A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The Bartender serves him. The dog finishes his beer and asks for his bill. the bartender tells him it will be $7. He pays, and as he puts on his hat and prepares to leave, the bartender says, "You know, we don't get many dogs coming in here." The dog says, "Well at these prices I'm not surprised."