NYC Journal

[Calzone]

RG,

I’m not afraid. A lot of bad stuff and evil happens. I’m just curious. Lots of possibilities.

I’ve heard a lot of military stories. Pretty hard to imagine what we are capable of.

Could of been some military exercise, or protecting some high official.

If you go back in this thread I think I reveal when then Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney visited my lab in Los Alamos. There were two Phantom 4 jets doing a “Loose-Duce” flying in a staggered formation to ensure a clear airspace. A helicopter landed and a guy in a suit got out, but that was only a decoy.

Then a second chopper lander and it was the real Dick Cheney.

Then about two weeks later, we cleaned up the lab, and were given the same instructions to come to work, but hang out in the parking lot. Then the Russians were invited to view our secret Star Wars project.

This private military parade led to the end of the Cold War and the breakup of the USSR. We had no idea what was going on. It made no sense, but I now understand how we destroyed their economy.

I learned that killing Omar Kodaffi would be a mistake because it would make him a mart-R. The CIA did their research and said it would be better to kill and injure his family. That’s exactly what happened, it was no mistake that a wife was killed and one of his kids.

The media did not really report the planning and research that went into the fall of a Libyan dictator.

No conspiracy. With purpose and intent…

Cal

 

[Calzone]

I am very moved by an e-mail from a friend overseas. It has been a while, but bonds that happened are not broken.

I am anxious for the New Year and the real treatment to begin. January 6th is a consult with the robotic specialist surgeon who only does prostate surgery using a robot called DaVinci.

My urologist has some pull here, and evidently there is a sense of urgency. I pee a lot, and at the urologist while I used the rest room, “Maggie” went to the front desk with our urologist while she made some calls. Some rescheduling and shuffling was made to fast track me. Evidently the surgeon canceled an appointment to make a slot for me, then another one of her patients was bumped for a spot for me.

He is coming to my urologist’s office for this consult.

Then I was informed I would not have to go to NYC for the surgery, and there is a DaVinci robotic surgical suite in Westchester in Bronxville. The surgery only requires an overnight stay.

They say I should not drive for 2-3 weeks after the surgery.

Then we go from there. The hormone treatment is an injection into the stomach area and will be done at 3 month intervals. My urologist will do this in her office in Peekskill. She mentioned 18-24 months as the initial treatment plan. This is a drug induced castration that is not permanent, but after treatment it is unrealistic that my testosterone levels will revert back to previous levels.

In effect I will likely have levels of an even older man that are lower.

I found out about the side effects. Because of the loss of muscle mass this can lead to weight gain, and other diseases that are weight gain related like diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure. All kinda fitness related. The growth of breasts, I suppose is mostly due to additional fat and weight gain.

There can be serious bone loss issues, and this can lead to broken bones. Of course strength training can help mitigate this.

Nerve damage and incontinence after surgery is expected.

So the initial recovery will be about 2-3 months I figure with what I know. My urologist thinks I will have a rapid recovery because of my health and fitness.

My research reveals that if I need radiation therapy that likely the hormone treatments will get delayed. Evidently the hormone treatment adversely effects any radiation treatment. I suspect the radiation therapy if it happens could trigger anemia. Because of my Cold Agglutinin Disease I start with a compromised red blood cell count that typically borders on being anemic. Pretty sure the RBC lowering is collateral damage. That would explain the fatigue and weakness.

So things are getting more complicated as we move along, and still there are many unknowns that are keeping me in a state of flux. It will likely take about 2-3 weeks before I can do anything strenuous like exercise or rowing.

I am grateful I have the guitar as an occupation and a pleasant pastime. Maggie will have to be helped by her daughter and our friends. Two-three weeks I’ll be home bound. I hope I don’t wet my pants too often.

Cal

 

[oldhaven]

You are doing just the right things. Knowledge is power and control. You may have some surprises, but I doubt it.

 

[Calzone]

Last night things opened up on the guitar. I did not realize that my building of scales from chords diatonically was kinda following in the footsteps of what Charlie Christian did in developing his style. Pretty much single note runs as if a horn player.

A bit of a breakout happened last night. Also my ears opened up a lot, and it was a kinda big jump.

I have a $6.51 credit at CVS from my Medicare Plan I need to expend before the 31st. “Moo,” said the Pig.

At this point life seems just passing time, but what remains is urgency so I can start recovery. I look forward to the spring, summer and fall as times to exploit.

A long time ago I accumulated these three antique lanterns. I’m wondering if they might be able to be converted into bird feeders. They are rather pretty and large. One was missing the glass wind shade, but for $30.00 I got the scolding look from “Maggie” that said, “Why are you buying that?”

Pure impulse, and responding to a nice object. Might keep the two intact as candle lanterns, and just convert the one into a feeder. I’m going to look into this after I post this.

Hmmm…

Cal

 

[Calzone]

Seems like it would be EZ-PZ to make a rather large platform feeder out of the lantern. Pretty much it could hold about a gallon of seeds. I also have this funnel like glass shade if I go pole mount to make the pole squirrel proof.

The feeders I presently use favors the small birds, and not the ground feeders like Cardinals and Blue Jays.

The metal lanterns have a nice patina.

It seems “Maggie” is not sleeping well. This Cancer is taking a toll on her, worse than me. Her alarm goes off at 7:00 AM but she remains in bed. Not good… Pretty evident she is exhausted and worn down.

Meanwhile I get up around 6:00 AM on my own, no alarm.

The 2-pickup Cabronita (Tele with TV Jones pickups) is becoming a highly favored guitar. The fat chunky neck also is growing on me. Kinda like a thigh neck. An inspiring guitar that well suits the style that is developing. The mixer is a cool thing, and is a kinda fresh approach. Kinda funny how it functions pretty much like a tone knob and in exactly the same manner.

It changes the way I play because I do the thumb wrap for single notes, and on the low “E” and “A” strings I actually use my left ring and pinky to fret these low notes as if I were an upright bass player. The result is better tone and a smoother articulation. A kinda novel approach for a guitar player…

Running critically low on bird feed. Likely will have to head up to Adam’s for more seed. I’ll buy some black sunflower seeds in bulk to enrich the mix.

Cal

 

[Calzone]

In my wanderings I discovered this $44.00 LSR Roller Nut that uses a pair of ball bearings to help minimize friction at the nut that can inhibit friction and assist staying in tune.

A hard-tail guitar will always hold tuning better than any guitar with a vibrato.

A properly cut nut of cow bone or graphite has vee-shaped slots to help minimize contact area of the round strings, but really this only helps, there is still enough friction to sour your tuning when the vibrato is used.

I added a vibrato to the DeMarino knowing and understanding the limits. The DeMarino with its small light weight UBER lite swamp ash body with a 24 fret neck was kinda neck heavy, so a Bigsby added weight where needed. It added a good amount of comfort, and the look is pure evil.

So no remorse for spending the money. This was an underutilized guitar that was kinda orphaned and went unloved. It is mighty good looking, it is a freak (it is a prototype and I know of only one production version ever made), and it kinda stands out. Pretty much color me vain, but it has “Calzone-Factor” in being mucho bold, loud, and drawing too much attention.

I wish it just played better, meaning stayed in tune better. So I’m thinking that I should spend the $44.00 and have Cris mod the neck for the LSR Roller Nut. So now this bold guitar will kinda go over the top in a muy grande way.

While I’m at it the neck wood has shrunk a bit, and the fret ends now protrude. I call this condition “Ginzo” frets, because pretty much the fret ends can slice up your left hand like a razor sharp knife. I took a file to grind then down a bit, but really the guitar would benefit from a pro fret dress and leveling, and Cris has a buffing stand to really polish out everything.

Understand that next year this guitar will be 30 years old.

The LSR needs a 1 11/16 wide nut. I actually shaped this neck back in 1995, and it is just maybe 1/128th of an an inch wider. I’m sure that Cris would blend this down and even do some overspray to touch up.

The Bigsby is a USA version and had an mucho expensive Callahan upgrade, along with a premium Callahan bridge. Mucho costly, but pretty much the best. The tuners I also upgraded to locking Sperzels that have tapered posts to optimize the string break angle over the nut.

So pretty much everything will be optimized after this.

When I get a chance to plug in I will do the pickup evaluation. I have a Lollar J-Street installed presently. It is a somewhat higher output pickup when compared to a vintage output that supplies a pronounced mid and bass response. The treble is somewhat subdued, but the DeMarino is a very bright guitar. I want to check if this really is the best and optimal for the tonal balance I want.

I have this Harmonic Design S-90 that pretty much is modeled after a Gibson P-90 but is housed in a Telecaster pickup form. This pickup is of a higher output, and has a mucho beefy midrange along with having a nice treble because it is a single coil. I might go back. Highly probable…

The P-90 sound can be sweet like a single coil with the volume turned down a bit, but turn it up it gets nasty and snarly. Pretty much I think I want to go evil on this guitar, but like I said there also is a sweet side…

Anyways this guitar will kinda be like a terrorist weapon: mucho evil. Understand I built this guitar, and pretty much I had some great amount of free reign in designing this prototype utilizing the support and infrastructure of a guitar shop.

This period of my life was around the end of the Cold War and after being laid-off a second time by then Northrop Grumman. I guess it is a reminder of those days and the era in history, but it also represents a proud trophy of sorts that still has profound meaning.

Not so different than my collection of old bikes, especially the ones that helped save my life.

Hmmm…

I call myself a romantic. “Maggie” does not think so, and she does not understand my sentimental feelings and bonding that I have with my gear. She does not understand what they represent, the deeper meaning, the history, the sentiment, and perhaps most of all how these items are an extension of my very being and personality.

I truly gauge myself as a true romantic. Don’t listen to Maggie.

This is how I evolve…

Cal

 

[Calzone]

Yesterday, at Trader Joe’s a kinda surprise happened: they had eggs.

I went over and scarfed the last 3 cartons of large white eggs for sale at $2.99 a dozen. Pretty much a lucky find.

At home I still had 2 dozen eggs from Shop-Rite that I paid $5.99 a dozen for.

Who would think that eggs would be like buried treasure. It was the street photographer in me that saw the relocated display. I scurried over as if trying to capture the decisive moment.

I like eating eggs to prevent loss of lean muscle mass. I omit the yokes to limit fat intake and to lower the cholesterol.

Don’t tell anyone, but this loss leader at Trader Joe’s saves me lots of money: cheap protein.

Cal

 

[Calzone]

The markets are selling off…

I have to tell you that these small evolutions in my guitars get me really excited. This roller nut is going to be mucho great. Pretty much the DeMarino will be a dream guitar. Crazy great…

Cal

 

[robert blu]

As one stubborn old geezer to another (and one who also is compulsively active), I can say that one of the hardest lessons to learn and accept is that sometimes, for your own good, it's OK and even necessary to say "Oh-well... Early bed-time."

I like this...I'm too in the club !

 

[Glenn2]

Have you ever thought about keeping chickens? At one time I was thinking about it. Had heard about people building what was called a chicken tractor, a portable coop that could be rolled over different areas of garden. After an area is harvested turn the chickens loose to remove bugs, add fertilizer and provide eggs.

That site with the oat recipe has all sorts of useful information….

The Modern Chicken Coop

Update: It's been YEARS now since I got these, my original chicks. And I've added several new ones to the flock including some Marans, an Ameraucana and some F2 Olive Eggers! It's here. The Coop. 4 months

www.theartofdoingstuff.com

I never did get chickens, was worried about attracting rats and other predators like mink and raccoons. I trap a couple dozen large rats a year to keep the population down. I’m not happy finding gnawed vegetables or holes into my attic. An E-fence , large E keeps the coons out, the masked bandits come in the night and wreck fruit trees.
If you intend to grow things like sugar peas be aware that bunnies will mow them down like candy.

I regret not being able to hear what you’re doing with the guitars. Any chance of posting a photo of your favourite and what you’re doing to it.
I’ve always been fascinated by craftsman at work and have sought them out during travels, learning by observing.

Cheers, Glenn

 

[Calzone]

Glen,

I learned that the rabbits not only love the peas I planted, but also the string beans. The deer also are fond of peas. Hunters plant peas as bait for deer. Not my idea of sportsmanship BTW. It is different though if you are doing this to feed a family or yourself though…

“Maggie” is mucho against chickens. Pretty much a hard no. She says they smell.

I have seen in one of these homesteading shows I saw an implementation of a chicken tractor.

My neighbor Snoopy, the intrusive neighbor, mentioned that having chickens is illegal in Peekskill, but I doubt it is true. Even though Peekskill is a city of 25K I see plenty of chickens running around in a free range manner.

Evidently Snoopy is not so cool with chicken in the hood. I have the belief that they are racists, but they overcompensate in a manner that says otherwise. Our city has diversity, and pretty much they kinda take exception to that. They display a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag off their front porch, and I feel like displaying a “Live and let live” flag as a reminder of the other half of don’t tread on me is implied.

Not uncommon to see some folks growing corn in their front yard instead of having grass. Understand that Peekskill is an immigrant community, debatable if the majority is Latino or white. There is a long time black community, and very few Asians.

On Route 202 by the New York Presbyterian hospital that I go to is a chicken supply store.

BTW I go to these farms with the chickens. While not the cleanest animals, I did not catch any smell that Maggie rants about. LOL.

I happen to be born in the Year of the Chicken if you follow Chinese astrology. Pretty much a chicken or Rooster is looked upon as one of the world’s most fearless animals that will fight to death. Roosters strut around proudly and tend to be Alpha males that kinda are like peacocks showing off and bragging.

Does this remind you of anyone here?

So also these Roosters seem to have many hens…

As far as guitars go, go to Northern Lights Music’s web site and then click on Santa Cruz. Pretty much acoustic guitar porn. In some of the marketing trying to sell these mucho expensive elite guitars there are some world class players demo’ing these guitars.

For more acoustic porn visit the web site of “Sound Pure” where they use mucho expensive audio gear to record Santa Cruz Guitars.

Go to WWW.MirabellaGuitars.com and look at what my friend Cris is doing. Specifically look up 18 inch “Trap-Door” guitar. There are some haunting video’s of some great Jazz players playing Mirabella guitars.

Pretty much just a man and a guitar, no vocals.

One man remarked on the 18 inch trap-door, and after playing it called it a “lap-piano.”

This is the guitar that was where I was suppose to have the prototype. My guitar was suppose to be the first, but oh-well it didn’t happen that way. Again, Oh-well.

Mine though is the one with the select wood that Jimmy De’Aquisto saved for special projects that came from his estate. My 18 inch guitar is named “Jane” after Jane Mansfield because it will be a big blonde (blonde=natural clear finish) to show off the wood.

John Monteleone is clearly the present “man,” meaning the greatest living archtop builder alive. Pretty much when Monteleone dies, my friend Cris will become the next “Man.” I saw and witnessed Cris’s being mentored and groomed to ascend this position.

The legacy goes like this De’Angelico, De’Aquisto, Monteleone, and then Mirabella. Cris will become 4th in line.

To actually see the stature and level of craftsmanship Rudy Pensa, the former “Godfarther” of 48th Street when it was MYC’s “MusicRow,” made a full length highly produced profile and documentry of John Monteleone. I forgot the name, but pretty much this is more really about art and the pursuit of perfection.

John Monteleone has had an exhibition at the MET in NYC. This is also featured in the documentry.

Also look up on the Internet Scott Chinnery and “The Blue Guitars.” This was a bit of a open competition where many top builders were commissioned to build an archtop guitar that held no specs and was at the mercy of the creators. This collection was bought out by the Smithsonian as National Treasure.

So here I am jumping the shark. I am not an impressive player that is worth of a world class instrument. I am kinda like a beginner that has access to a Stadavarious despite my low skill level. How did this happen?

Anyways, it all began around 2005 19 years ago when I decided to help a friend by giving him the opportunity to build me “A Blue Guitar” meaning a guitar with no spec where Cris could pretty much have a blank slate. I kinda pitched the opportunity and started making the equivalent of a monthly car payment, which of course helped Cris out greatly.

He had quit his day job as a nursing aid at a hospital, and decide to build guitars full time. I knew Cris was being groomed, by the way he was coddled by John Monteleone and this big time guitar dealer Larry Wexler. It kinda was an investment with a delayed gratification.

Of course in my style, risky, edgy, and quite a bit crazy.

So maybe in year 20, meaning next year, I could be bringing into my home a new “lap-piano” to annoy people. Pretty much I am not really worthy of such a world class instrument. I’m pretty sure there will be “You suck-factor” big time. Truthfully I know I am not worthy, and perhaps there is truth to “you-suck.”

So certainly this will greatly annoy people. LOL. Pretty much that is my purpose in life.

BTW I mentioned chickens to Maggie and I got dog-faced. LOL. Then I reminded her that I’m a Rooster. LOL. She didn’t think it was funny.

BTW I think she is against chickens because of the class issues that are associated with being poor or Third World.

Chickens for a former Fashion Blogger is not her style.

Cal

 

[Austintatious]

“Maggie” is mucho against chickens. Pretty much a hard no. She says they smell.

Only if you don't keep the coop clean.

My neighbor Snoopy, the intrusive neighbor, mentioned that having chickens is illegal in Peekskill, but I doubt it is true.

In some cities they don't allow roosters because they crow each AM. But chickens are OK. In some places eggs are now $8 to $10 a DZ.

“Live and let live” flag

I have always liked this one.

 

[Calzone]

Austin,

Our neighbors, being intrusive, are kinda judgmental and not so open to other views.

“Maggie” thinks they are fearful and that would explain the need for the level of control they display.

I’m aware of the likely Rooster ordinance. Us Roosters tend to be loud. We do things like strut around with no shirt while mowing the lawn, sweating, and doing yard work. Us Roosters strut around proudly showing off our lean muscular bodies. Kinda funny that this too also annoys my neighbors. Comments get back to me that are kinda judgmental.

This too I find imposing.

When I did my commute to work I would hear Roosters crowing along my 2 mile walk to the train. I don’t think this ordinance, which likely exists, is really enforced. Not uncommon seeing free-range chickens including Roosters in Peekskill regardless of the possible law.

At night their motion detector and surveillance picks up my car when I pull into my dead end. But then they tell us of our comings and goings. They know the times the garbage men came by… It kinda is a bit creepy.

They seem particularly interested in us. I try to stay distant and removed, but it is not easy.

Peekskill is an interesting city. There are all types, including my intrusive neighbors. They avoid the downtown. That is where the crime here is concentrated, but really it is a safe place. They kinda exaggerate the crime. Yes there is poverty here, but it is not as bad as they say.

They avoid the downtown, which is kinda crazy.

Cal

 

[Calzone]

Dustin at BloomDoom guitars is sending me a $10.00 rear control cover for the 2-pickup Cabronita I just built up. Now I won’t have to cut one from the plastic I have on hand. The Cabronita is white, and the cover will match, where the plastic I have on hand is black.

I am a weak man, and I bought another Tele body to add to my stockpile. This one is a painted “Thinline” which is a hollowed body Tele, the color is a Fender custom color called “Sonic Blue” which is a kinda baby blue.

Pretty much a forced buy. At Warmoth a Thinline body alone would be almost $350.00, but this lacquered “Closet Classic,” meaning an original vintage finish that experienced almost no wear or tare, was priced at only $399.00. I think this was a mistake because other Thinline’s offered were price a lot higher.

Oh-well, I had to buy it. I’m a bad boy.

So now I have that Candy Apple Red Strat body, a one piece alder Warmoth body bought at a savage discount, and now a Sonic Blue Thinline Tele.

Cal

 

[Calzone]

Every time I do a search on my friend Cris I find something new, but I never can find the old threads I found before.

There is a new D’Addario video that features Cris. First it profiles him, his guitars, and how his career evolved.

I knew Cris was a nursing assistant as one of his day jobs, but I did not know or realize that it was the only job he had that was not involving guitars. Cris worked many years in a notable guitar shop doing restorations and building, I worked there too, but not at the level and extent of Cris . The nursing assistant was only a few years and was a bridge, perhaps a decade at the most, then he began building…

In the video Cris tells the story of when Jimmy De’Aquisto wanted to meet Cris. Jimmy paid a compliment to Cris and pretty much he was kinda star struck. It is a funny situation where Cris kinda Gawked and Gushed.

In a separate article/review the price of a Mirabella guitar was compare to the price of a new Tesla for some models. It takes Cris a year to build a guitar they state. Next year will be 20 years for “Jane.”

My friend Dave made the point, the longer I wait, the better guitar I will get. This seems evident. So next year, maybe sometime after my recovery I might have a new “Lap-Piano” in my Baby-Victorian.

I’m expecting “Red” first sometime perhaps before spring. Red was built in 2004 and is a very early Mirabella, but it comes back to me dressed out with new modern appointments that are current Mirabella, along with a new neck. The only thing I paid for was the fingerboard inlays.

Cris told me he had a stash of something called red abalone. I only know of blue abalone. Cris mentioned using the red abalone on Red’s “Airplane” inlays. They got this name because the design resembles somewhat paper airplanes. They are a very cool design.

My original Red, which I have not seen in over 4-5 years, had no inlays on the fingerboard. Wow it has been a long time. Anyways this is kinda how things go in a one-man shop.

Seems like only the best for me. Worth the wait and the delayed gratification. Oh-well

Cal

 

[Calzone]

So Pretty much guitars at this level have to inspire you, and compel you to practice-practic-practice.

There is a Cancer connection here. Sadly Cris lost his father to Cancer at the age of 9. Later in life he lost his mother to Cancer.

Pretty much I called Cris and informed him I have Cancer. Pretty much I told him hurry up, I need my guitars.

Cal

 

[Calzone]

I think I got some $5.00 credit on the $10.00 PayPal transaction for the white back control cavity cover from Dustin at BloomDoom guitars.

I like having some projects on the back burner. Lately there have been some sales to take advantage of.

Always good to have something to wonder about, and things to plan out. Don’t know if all three bodies I have stockpiled will get built out next year. Perhaps the two painted bodies. The Thinline is kinda EZ to build out because I have a lot of the parts on hand.

At this point custom ordered necks, not so likely I will find an on the shelf version that fits what I want. Let’s see. I’m in no rush.

The arched top guitar known as Red had a P-90 style pickup, but Cris is upgrading it to a Lollar Charlie Christian. This will be interesting to play with a blend of acoustic and electric. Even though a small body, it projects like a Mo-Fo.

The flamed maple is an eyeful. A transparent loud red. Crazy great.

I’m kinda in guitar heaven.

The expected delivery of the body and control cover is January 7th, but lately parcels have been delivered early.

More excitement.

Cal

 

[Calzone]

The average age people retire in the U.S. is 62, and a headline suggests that 58% retire earlier than planned.

This kinda happened to me. In my case I was 62 and burning my accumulated unused vacation time till I turned 63 in January in 2020, then I lived only on my savings, and I no longer worked.

At 65 it was mandated that I had to collect my hospital pension after 21 years of service. Perhaps from the age of 63 to the age 65 was just a continued 2 year vacation where I didn’t have a job. Maybe real retirement phased in when I got my first pension check at age 65.

Point here is that retirement kinda phases in and comes in stages…

My cyclotron was going to be decommissioned and my job eliminated. The machine was 20 years old and was at the end of its service life, but I was offered the option of retraining and continued employment.

During the lockdown at my hospital there were no layoffs, and pretty much many non essential workers like me pretty much were paid to stay home. The money had to come from somewhere and they canceled additions to my pension. Know that new hires did not have a pension benefit, and that benefit had gone south for a long time, but I was grandfathered in.

I crunched the numbers and figured out that it no longer paid to work, and on top of that my 403B tax deferred savings actually was a major tax liability. I pretty much had a financial bridge to live on to retire early, enough to live comfortably.

So on one hand I really took advantage of the sich-E-A-tion and decided to retire early.

In the report they list the three main reasons for retiring earlier than expected: job elimination; disability; and caregiving.

So I could twist and spin things and currently say I did it somewhat preemptively for pretty much all three reasons, but not really definitively.

“Maggie” left alone while I worked was tough for her. She felt isolated for good reason. She has a driver’s license, but her anxiety is so bad that it is best that she does not drive. So I can kinda check the box for being a caregiver. She kinda requires maintenance. She does not really cook or clean. Pretty much a foolish crazy woman.

I have Cancer, an aggressive one that kinda needs my full attention. My normal life certainly is disrupted and pretty much I am destined to become a very different man who has been weakened.

And politically my job was at a remote site, and pretty much the kind offer of continued employment was kinda pointing me towards the door. Pretty much I was being shown the exit in a kind way.

So the moral of the story here is it is best to be prepared, and you have about a 58% chance of a retirement earlier than expected.

I was lucky I was well prepared, flexible, and adaptable. Living well below my means helped in a very grand way.

Cal

 

[Calzone]

“Maggie” took notice that I kinda started over using the word FXXK-N like ever other word in speaking with a friend telling a story.

Then I thought about when that happened earlier in my life, and I kinda remember the 70’s and when pretty much I was a tough thug. Back then I was a angry guy, so now I catch myself in that mode and that state of mind.

I was an aggressive guy, kinda crazy aggressive, and dangerous. Pretty much back then I didn’t care if I lived or died, and perhaps I even had a death wish.

So here I am again, more or less in that state of mind. I am triggered because I am close to the edge.

I find myself in “Thug-Mode.” The only way I can describe it in modern terms is as if I was a F-15 in “Beast Mode.” This is when a F-15 carries racks of missles that pretty much make it a launching platform for heavy destruction.

Understand that a F-35 has the radar and fire control, and the F-15 is just a pickup truck loaded with ammo that can rain havoc and destruction on its own after air superiority is established, or have missiles launched independently by a F-35 and just used just as a weapons platform to carry ammo.

It is very odd and disturbing revisiting this part of my past where I was so defended. I had crazy anger issues and was a scary guy. I thought I outgrew all of this, but here we are. The mind skips… I regressed to a former self… and I have to get control back.

At least I’m aware that I’m triggered by my current situation. Perhaps hard to understand, but the dangers and violence I faced growing up were life and death situations. The term Hate-Crime was not invented, and pretty much Chinese in the U.S. were a tiny-tiny minority.

So pretty much, in part of my life I was not really a nice guy and was plainly just a thug who could go ghetto and be mucho crazy.

To survive my upbringing I was that defended… Somehow this crept in, even though my outcome and prognoses looks very positive. I figure it is that residual from life and death experiences that triggered me

Cal

 

[oldhaven]

The stress and uncertainty is surely triggering, especially if it is an old behavior pattern, but I also have to say that word, probably due to social media over the last few years, is being used so much now by everyone, even middle and older aged women, that I am sick of hearing it. I am not really offended by it though, it just seems out of place. I bet you are hearing it more now, so it is easy to fall into old habits. I have to admit it is useful and cathartic in some cases and places, but I am not sure society is any the better for it.