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My Inhibitor was delivered by currier. One of the side effects is “death.” I’m not making this up. Another warning is that pregnant women should never handle these 500 mg pills without gloves. I presume this warning might be for medical staff. My dosage is two pills or 1000 mg which is the “max dose.”

Understand because of my size and low body weight this max dose is kinda supersized in my case. Somehow my body is handling this drug well.

Supposedly my hormone treatment will last 2 years, and pretty much this too is a max dose. My Cancer metasticised, so they are trying to ensure any spread gets killed off. The prostatectomy was suppose to make me Cancer free, but my post surgery PSA indicated that it had spread beyond my prostate envelope.

This secondary treatment is called “Salvage,” when the primary treatment fails. Understand that I have a stage 4A Cancer, meaning the spread they think remains localized to my pelvic region. Know that all it takes is one Cancer cell for Cancer to spread again.

Scary, but this is my reality…

Around 2:30 you could smell the rain even before it arrived. There were headlines warning of flooding, but updated weather shows possible thunderstorms. It is raining lightly now and the air is cool and refreshing.

“Maggie” and I are doing more talking about setting up a serious mini or micro farm. We are aware that at this level a garden will have to be tended. We also agree that we need to spread our planting to help prevent disease.

Hard to stay awake in the afternoons. This is the accumulated fatigue I’m talking about. I imagine it is a bit like being on heroin where there is this twilight in between being conscious and unconscious, meaning asleep.

Oh-well…

Cal
 
A red screen today as some tariffs become real and not just threats.

Realize that these costs will take a while to filter into the economy, so expect a delay. Someone will pay this new tax…

Do you think manufacturers and retail will absorb these new taxes?

Deflation also can be a problem because when the consumer is forced to retrench there will be an oversupply.

I do not see how this will increase domestic manufacturing in a competitive manner. Infrastructure has to be built and a lot of capitol needs to be spent. Kinda like reinventing the wheel and making it cheaper to produce domestically.

Cal
 
I can see my body leaning out, but it is muscle mass. My build is slimmer, perhaps more like a marathon runner rather than a boxer.

The creatine blood tests signify loss of muscle mass. This is one of the side effects of the hormone therapy…

Only been 3 months on the Inhibitor, and a few months longer on the chemical castration, so this part of the fem-out already kinda is becoming profound. Weight training is required to slow this down, but then the fatigue is worse. I’m in a bit of a downward spiral…

Drove to Rhinebeck a revolutionary village of historical importance. Had a Friday night stay at the oldest inn in the U.S. that dates back to 1766. Saw an independent film called “Sorry Baby” that had a non linear story that was told well. Quirky characters with funny twists. Story took place in some college town upstate or in New England.

The film was rewarding and the theater was a 140 seat venue that was kinda hidden that featured art films. A smaller version of the Angelica Theater in NYC.

Because of my fatigue, we deemed it wise to do an overnight stay, and of course we enjoyed “Village Pizza” that likely has the best crust I ever had. Worth the drive just for the pizza. It is that good.

Home now resting.

Cal
 
155 pounds this morning, technically by my definition a skinny bitch, what I have lost is not the baby fat, but muscle mass.

Visually I see it mostly in my arms. Things are scaled back in time like a decade when I was less bulky and muscular. My build is becoming more and more boyish.

Loosing 3 pounds of muscle is significant, and I visually see the loss. I have been on hormone therapy for perhaps 4 months, and I suppose to be on this treatment for 2 years. I think the chemical castration started the end of March. The Inhibitor and steroid started later and I’m beginning my fourth monthly dose.

Loss of muscle mass is one of the side effects. I am becoming a different man… I am eating lots of protein to help forestall my muscle loss including supliments. Some of this could be being un pumped, and there is some loss of fat, but I still have the bloat which is another side effect.

I have a friend who was born “Nick” who now is a woman named “Nicola.” Pretty much unrecognizable from the Nick I knew, and she now I would describe as not only beautiful, but as hot. I don’t think my transformation will be so drastic Nicola had surgery… I’m undergoing a similar but different less dramatic process.

“Maggie” takes notice in a remarkable glow and radiance from my skin. My skin to a great degree has un aged. I look softer and less like a criminal.

At best I’m only a quarter of the way through the hormone treatment, and there is a 30% risk that my testosterone may never return, this is my worry. Anyways I am becoming a very different man. I feel unsettled…

Had dreams of being at my old job as a Cyclotron Engineer, but I kept fxxking up. That is how unsettled I am. Also having difficulties with constipation which is a side effect from radiation therapy.

Today we will see the kids. Next week they are off to Austin to visit family and a new baby named Oscar.

Cal
 
What I am undergoing it seems as a reverse of adolesence. My body is balding, my underarm hair is so scant that it is unnotacible, and even my facial hair is less.

Meanwhile my skin is unaginging…

The feeling I get from all this is unnerving and certainly I am in a strange place. In a way a positive way to look at all this is my body is in a way becoming like when I was much younger.

Cal
 
What I am undergoing it seems as a reverse of adolesence. My body is balding, my underarm hair is so scant that it is unnotacible, and even my facial hair is less.

Meanwhile my skin is unaginging…

The feeling I get from all this is unnerving and certainly I am in a strange place. In a way a positive way to look at all this is my body is in a way becoming like when I was much younger.

Cal
You are documenting your medical journey very well here, I am certain that it will help others someday. Thanks for sharing all of this, most people wouldn’t be open enough to do so.

Aging alone brings muscle loss for many, it is difficult to maintain even with exercise and more protein. It’s good that you were in great shape before this happened.

You mention that you can see several changes happening, have you done any photo documentation of yourself through all of this?
 
I’m with Phil. This heat wave and global warming has some bad health consequences. More isolation, suffering, and lack of exercise, besides mental health consequences like not being outdoors or in nature.

Cal
A few days ago I said the exact same words to my wife, feeling each year in three summer months I become three years older.
 
Larry,

I have not photographed this journey, but I put it all out here in words.

Some say I have a lot of courage, but the fact is I have many fears, and I’m living with them.

Decades ago I was a performance artist in NYC, and I know how to put out and project to an audience. Photography is more documentary and less immediate. If you read this long-long thread know that I have had very real problems with anxiety, and one of the reasons why I am trying to learn to play Jazz is to be in the moment.

I feel my words in this blog of sorts has immediacy.

Photo’s can’t really express my experience.

Also I don’t discount the support of my friends here and their support. I am not alone here…

Cal
 
“Maggie” my partner posted a shot of me from our trip to Rhinebeck. She has close to a million views every month on her sub-stack, and her followers know me.

I do not look like a sick Cancer patient. They were happy to see me.

Maggie also was surprised in how revealing, blunt and honest my writing is. Kinda like public open therapy.

I lost 3 pounds I figure in about 4 months. Do the math. 20 months from now at this rate I will go from 155 pounds today to about 140. I’m 5’10, but small framed with narrow shoulders. I was around 140 pounds in my mid 30’s, but I biked on average 300 miles a week and at times 500.

Basically I put more milage on my bike than people did driving their car.

It is very hard to exercise, especially strength training, because the fatigue overwhelms me.

My oncologist says things will stabilize around the 6 month mark. My body will somewhat acclimate, but right now I would say I have the energy of perhaps of someone a decade older in good health. My friend Chris who is very close to 75 went on a ride with me. We did 18 miles of flat rail trail. Pretty much a good effort, and additional miles would of been damaging.

Around 4:00 to 5:00 PM my day more or less is done…

Cal
 
A few days ago I said the exact same words to my wife, feeling each year in three summer months I become three years older.

Agree entirely. I have years up on you all. Still in quite good health, but visibly slowing down. And I feel the hot, days whether wet or dry more than the young'uns do.

On top of which, here in Indonesia the effects of climate change are being keenly felt. 35C+days are now a regular situation.

In the West they fret and worry about 1C-2C warming, but in Java we have seen almost 3.5C in heat in the last decade. Some crops are starting to fail. Water supplies seem still plentiful, but if the climate pushes into drought, who knows what will happen to the market gardens that feed 100+ million on this island alone.

The same in Australia, where climate change denial is almost an unofficial science and many heads are firmly buried in the sand, as the Aussies seem to do in almost all unpleasant things they don't want to face up to.

One thing about pushing 80 is I will at least be spared the worst of what is yet to come, thanks to human greed and stupidity. Not a pleasant thought, but I fear it's the reality.
 
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“Maggie” my partner posted a shot of me from our trip to Rhinebeck. She has close to a million views every month on her sub-stack, and her followers know me.

I do not look like a sick Cancer patient. They were happy to see me.

Cal
Looking great! I actually. Feel free to embed any of the posts; I just realised I the thread is writing based and even forgot there could be visual social media involved and available. That said, it was interesting to see visually and how that relates to your posts. Seeing the Edwardian/Baby Victorian.
And no joke, one could guess that your age is a decade younger than the actual.
 
For us the 2-zone mini-split is life support. Basically we have central AC on the first floor.

We love being outside and the outdoors…

The extreme heat and humidity is oppressive and can be life threatening. It is no joke that I call our central AC “life-support.”

Cal
 
My wandering eyes catch women eyeing me, and I garner many smiles.

Like my cute grandson I get away with a lot.

At age 67 I still get looked upon in a sexual manner. Some girls don’t realize I’m old enough to be their grandfather.

I kinda love the women in Montreal. They kinda broadcast loudly when they see a man they approve of. They are kinda predatory and sexually forward. Their interest is not subtle…

I have my mother’s looks and out of the 5 kids I would say I’m the pick of the litter. Lucky me. I am blessed…

Cal
 
After over-hydrating for my radiation procedure I got a call. The machine is down and my treatment is tentatively rescheduled for the afternoon.

I have to call to conform, or someone will call me.

Constipation is a side effect and a problem for me. I need empty bowel for the treatment and evacuating completely is difficult. I’m using a laxative and I will double the dose, I will also add a stool softener which seems to help.

Pooped twice before the cancelation call, and likely this was not a bad thing because I still had another bowel movement in me. Not a small one either.

So I don’t have to strain my bladder, but I may have to over-hydrate a second time today. I’ll call before 2:00 PM if I don’t get the call from the hospital.

The PSA test result came in <0.1 which is considered undetectable. No Cancer growth…

Pretty much this procedure takes over the day. The prep work and the aftermath of consequences expends my morning which leads to killing the best part of the day.

I wonder if today’s treatment will be totally cancelled, or will it end up only being delayed?

Understand that life is in a state of limbo, and the weekends are really needed for recovery. The over-hydration places my blood pressure into the 180/90 range. One side effect of the Inhibitor is death. I can see how if I were unhealthy how the treatment could lead to death.

A MD has to be on hand to do the procedure, and I understand why.

Later today I expect a message from my hematologist/oncologist saying everything is normal, when in fact things are not normal at all.

Cal
 
Gold over $3.4K is a bet that a possible recession might lay ahead that also points to a probable FED rate cut.

The logic here is lower interest rates to attempt to boost the economy promotes gold as an asset because bond rates will be lower, and inflation will likely get promoted.

It is times like these where gold is an insurance policy. If the crap hits the fan a 5% portfolio portion in gold will cover losses elsewhere, but some people are betting 10% to actually profit if the economy tanks.

Anyways a big gamble and also a big bet.

They say that the U.S. real estate market is divided. The Northeast and upper Midwest seem to be up 4%, while the rest of the country is kinda level or down 4%. I speculate that the division is likely based on climate change and water supply.

The Ohio Valley is a futile area. The Amish were mucho wise to select some of the best farmland in the country. The Northeast meanwhile somewhat has limitations to development.

I think global warming is hurting the south and west. Droughts and forest fires besides deadly heat.

Out of nowhere New Hampshire got a very favorable rating for retirement. A big plus was quality of life besides medical care and tax favorable conditions.

Anyways, eyes wide open, there is a shift that to me seems dramatic.

I write these posts in between bathroom breaks to empty my bladder every 5-7 minutes.

BTW have you noticed the economy slowing down? Also there have been ICE raids here in Peekskill.

Cal
 
Got out on foot a few nights in a row this past weekend. Carried along the Minolta Autocord and Leica M4 one night, then we got a bunch of film from our local (and last) camera shop, and I loaded up these two Leotax. I think the black T2L on the left is a poor man's Leica IIIG, with the exception that it only has shutter speeds up to 1/500. I love this pair of lightweight bodies and very nice lenses.

1000021287.jpg
Phil
 
The machine is up again so I get an afternoon treatment. It kinda worked out because constipation had me backed up. Kinda impossible to poop and hold a full bladder for me.

I have to tell you that “Maggie” has been great support, and for her coping with the situation is mucho fraught. I am a bit of a caretaker, and she depends on me for many things. Understand that she does not drive, a good thing because she would be an anxious driver causing road rage and accidents.

So over-hydrating a second time today: once in the morning; and a second time in the afternoon. At least I was able to finally evacuate.

A headline is suggesting gold will hit $3.5K within 3 months. Economic slowing, a possible recession, and a further drop in the dollar.

A FED rate cut will make bonds worth-less (two words) and this would pump up gold prices as a flight to safety.

Can you see how uncertainty can pump up gold prices, and how it is a hedge. Remember that gold is a store of wealth.

Not sure how the double over-hydration will work out today. I know it taxes my system and is a stress. All I can do is make it through the day, and tomorrow is another day.

August 29th is my last radiation treatment, but who’s counting? Hormone therapy continues for a two year interval. My positive spin on all this is at least I avoided chemo. Chemo in my book messes with your immune system. In a ways it is like a near death experience because they approach killing the patient to kill the Cancer.

What I learned from Navy SEAL survival training (I was not a Navy SEAL) is that no matter how bad the situation somehow you have to maintain a positive mental attitude. They say 95% of survival is maintaining a positive mental attitude. A SEAL might be out of ammo, hungry and trapped behind enemy lines, but they have to frame things like I am not captured, or at least I’m not injured or bleeding…

At my hospital I worked there for 21 years. Over the course of the last 10 years my immediate supervisor became a bully. I use to frame the situation that I was glad I was not him, in my opinion a loser who was unhappy, that was kinda jealous of me.

Many times I was thankful that I was not like him, and this evolved into a great coping skill.

Since I am Cantonese, I believe in revenge. His bullying grew to a point where he overstepped and annoyed and piss-off the powers that be, and then he kinda was pushed out.

I got the last laugh…

If you know my profile, I have a talent for annoying people. My goal at work was to make my boss unhappy, and I did a really great job at that. Cantonese are fighters and we have almost a thousand year history of feudalism while the rest of China was unified. The Cantonese were considered “ungovernable.”

I’ll repeat a story. A boss is not suppose to coerce an employee to do things like donate blood. Anyways monthly I went along with this. “How-Weird,” my boss one day ranted on and on about how handsome and good looking he was. It became sickening.

At the donation center there were a group of three women, so I created a situation and performed a poll by asking the women directly and bluntly to settle the argument of who between the two of us were the better looking.

The poll was unanimous: I was chosen as the best looking; then to insult my boss this one women made a long list of all my superior features and explained in great detail why I was UBER attractive.

I was taller, younger looking, more muscular, had nicer hair, wonderful skin, an expressive face, nice eyes… This woman was rather charmed by my looks and kept going on and on… Of course I had a big shit grinning smile that encouraged her.

Later, just before donating the blood our vitals were taken, and How-Weird’s blood pressure was high. The attending woman recommended that he visit his primary care physician to have his high blood pressure checked out.

Then in an angry tone and manner How Weird shouted, “I only have high blood pressure because I have to work with him.”

The three women all laughed, and then I quipped, “How would you like to have him as your boss?” The women laughed again.

“I’m so jealous,” How Weird said. Everyone laughed, except How Weird.

You can’t make this stuff up. BTW How Weird hated me. LOL.

A thing you should know is I don’t believe in an eye for an eye: I take two eyes.

There is a Chinese expression: “Time is the best weapon.” In my case this was true, I wore How Weird down, and in the end he FXXX’ed himself.

Ha-ha…

This all was spontaneous and was just an improvisation. Know I was a performance artist for a decade in NYC and creature of the theater, so I had skill in engaging an audience. You can see why How Weird hated me. That was my full-time job.

Cal
 
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