I miss the classifieds

All this talk about "new" classifieds, "new" RFF, "new" this or "new" that and these garlic peanuts I'm eating has started me thinking about a revolutionary "new" product. Not that garlic peanuts wouldn't be new for some of the people in this crowd. You’ll find them at the Asian supermarkets. Look for the Farmer Brand. Somebody in Bayonne, NJ is the distributor for the East and someone in Burlingame, CA is the western distributor for America. The peanuts originate in China (where they are grown and processed), but a company in Singapore actually sells them. It strikes me this is an extraordinary route for something as simple and inexpensive as peanuts. There is a drawing of a Chinese man on the front (who really looks a lot more like Larry Storch than a Chinese man). He’s carrying a hoe over his shoulder and a bunch of peanuts in his other hand. If you like peanuts, I give them my stamp of approval. If you really want the garlic flavor, eat the shells, too. Don't worry...I've done this most of my life, and normally it won't hurt you. Or at least you should recover. They also have Nan Ru Flavoured peanuts. I’m not certain who Nan is, but the taste makes me think slightly of shoe polish, soap or a mixture of that and tomatoes, and I really can’t imagine what they might have soaked them in to get that flavor. For all I know, Nan Ru in Chinese means “Slight Nuclear Energy Problem.” Disclaimer: If you search Farmer Brand Garlic Peanuts in Google, you may see some warnings, but I’d just ignore them. They go back a few years, and it was probably just an upset competitor spreading gossip.

Those of you still awake may be wondering what is my new product? Well, it is instant wine. Yes, you heard it here first. Instant wine. How would it work? I'm thinking all I need is (1) vodka (2) grape Kool-Aid (which I'm drinking as I type) (3) people who may not have actually tasted wine before, and (4) the cooperation of several sommeliers across the world. For anybody who may not know, a sommelier is a wine steward…a person trained to say in a voice heavily laced with a comic French accent “Zat ees excellent select-see-on, monsieur” when you point to words that translate into “15% gratuity automatically added for parties of 7 or more” on the menu.

The way I see it, you'd just pour the Kool-Aid right into the Vodka and stir in sugar. Immediate wine! Want a more dry red wine? Use less sugar. More robust? Use 2 packs of Kool-Aid. Want a special wine like Mogen David? Use a lot of sugar. Want a "natural" wine? Use honey or sorghum, maybe molasses if you’re going for a Creole or hillbilly wine. The picture is becoming clearer now, isn’t it? Sometimes I really surprise myself with these ideas. Want a Chardonnay? Don't add grape Kool-Aid...use Lemon-Lime, Pineapple or maybe add in some Tamarind flavor. We actually have Tamarind Kool-Aid here in Texas. It looks and tastes somewhat like dirt and smells like a wet dog. It is used as a laxative in some countries. In any country, it is the stuff prison riots are made of. Whoa! As I type, it strikes me that I may have the nucleus of a new fad diet. Drink a glass of Tamarind Kool-Aid on Monday morning, and you won’t want to put anything else in your mouth all week. Want Boone's Farm or Ripple? Add the Tropical Punch or Strawberry flavor. How about Watermelon-Kiwi? Well, that could double as Ipecac if you really need to vomit, and look at the positive...you don't need a prescription for Kool-Aid! I don’t think the DEA considers it a controlled substance at all…well, maybe they should look into the Watermelon-Kiwi and Tamarind flavors. Those could be put into time capsules as a practical joke for whichever alien uncorks them in future generations…or maybe a little clue as to why we had so much trouble with Y2K and why we prefer TV programs like “Hope and Faith” and “American Inventor” to programs like “Playhouse 90.” Black Cherry? Well, that takes us back to the wine idea. Mix some of that in with the grape for a more high-class (meaning expensive) product. You know, wine tasters are fond of saying things like "it sparkles with gleeful undertones of cherry, a drifting essence of roses laced with vanilla and smoky hints of oak that bring to mind Grandma’s fireplace." As long as they don't say "Gawd almighty, did somebody strain cat urine through some old gym socks?," I think we'll be okay. Want a "light" wine? Use Sweet & Low instead of sugar. Want vintage wine? Use last year's Kool-Aid or better yet...Fizzies. You can probably find some on E-Bay. Retsina? Pour in some turpentine or Pine-Sol…whatever you have handy. But stay away from Ovaltine or Bosco. I don't think the world is ready for chocolate wine. Do they even make Bosco any longer?

Yum, yum....refreshing! Now, where were we? Ah, yes those new classifieds. Well, let’s just have some wine instead. Where ees zat sommelier? Garçon...garlic peanuts and wine for everybody, please!

Jon
 
The new classifieds are good.

Custard is good too.

Some things that are "good" aren't necessarily the best.

I can see why the radio stations always say "the NEW 98.3 FM"

Hold the fries.
 
Jon Goodman said:
All this talk about "new" classifieds, "new" RFF, "new" this or "new" that and these garlic peanuts I'm eating has started me thinking about a revolutionary "new" product.

<snip>

Yum, yum....refreshing! Now, where were we? Ah, yes those new classifieds. Well, let’s just have some wine instead. Where ees zat sommelier? Garçon...garlic peanuts and wine for everybody, please!
Click to expand...

How about some onion wine? It's new, so it must be good.

I beel hav ze BBQ-glazed garlic bread sticks.
 
Wasabi Peanuts

Wasabi Peanuts

I bought my regular complement of nuts from my flea market vendor including some wasabi peas. He suggested "the new wasabi peanuts".

They are very spicey, hard shell, green and look exactly like peanut m&m's.

I had a small bowl of the on the bar during the Miami Heat game on Sunday. One of my son's teenage friends grabbed a few and ......

I'm sure he will be fine soon.
 
Looks to me like the new classifieds are being used more and items are moving. The old classifieds days are numbered now :) I know some of you wont like that but the clock is ticking. tic tok tic tok :D
 
I think the wasabi peanuts would be a good addition to the new fad diet. They could be sort of the "treat" after you get past the Tamarind Kool-Aid. I've seen these at the Asian market, actually. I thought they were green peas, but I could not read the label on the sack very well. They are sold right next to the lychees. Well, truthfully, they are between the lychees and the live eels. This is a very interesting store. One of the few places I've found to buy alum in the form of a large crystal. For about a dollar, you can get an alum crystal the size of a tennis ball. I've bought a good supply of that, too. I figure I'll need it in the "winery." You never know when somebody might want a nice dry wine. Alum ought to take care of that, don't you think? This wine idea is starting to take shape very well. All I need is a catchy name.

Now in all honesty, here is a recipe for Vanilla Extract. My wife got this in a recipe internet club, so I really haven't tried it yet. But it is on my desk here, so I'm going to pass it along. Some of you pastry chefs out there might need to make your own "signature" vanilla extract...Vanilla a la Jake, Vanilla by Ralph, Milly Vanilla...oh, wait. That was Milli Vanilli. Another imitation from days past.

6 Vanilla Beans
1 Fifth of Vodka (really...I'm not making this up...it is right in front of me)
Glass jar or bottle...And I'm supposing you could use the Vodka bottle here, although the recipe doesn't say that.

Split vanilla beans lengthwise with a sharp knife.

Place in jar with Vodka, making sure the beans are completely covered.

Seal tightly and let stand in a cool, dark place for 4 months to a year.

Shake jar occasionally during standing time.

Yield 1 quart.

Tip: Extract will strenghten upon standing. Store tightly sealed indefinitely in a cool and dark place. (a morgue, maybe? the bottom of a lake? under the house might be ok. let's go with that one.)

Well, all this work on the winery and the spice factory has tired me out. Think I'll hit the hay. We'll talk more about the new classifieds later...
Jon
 
Jon Goodman said:
I think the wasabi peanuts would be a good addition to the new fad diet. They could be sort of the "treat" after you get past the Tamarind Kool-Aid. I've seen these at the Asian market, actually. I thought they were green peas, but I could not read the label on the sack very well. They are sold right next to the lychees. Well, truthfully, they are between the lychees and the live eels. This is a very interesting store. One of the few places I've found to buy alum in the form of a large crystal. For about a dollar, you can get an alum crystal the size of a tennis ball. I've bought a good supply of that, too. I figure I'll need it in the "winery." You never know when somebody might want a nice dry wine. Alum ought to take care of that, don't you think? This wine idea is starting to take shape very well. All I need is a catchy name.

Now in all honesty, here is a recipe for Vanilla Extract. My wife got this in a recipe internet club, so I really haven't tried it yet. But it is on my desk here, so I'm going to pass it along. Some of you pastry chefs out there might need to make your own "signature" vanilla extract...Vanilla a la Jake, Vanilla by Ralph, Milly Vanilla...oh, wait. That was Milli Vanilli. Another imitation from days past.

6 Vanilla Beans
1 Fifth of Vodka (really...I'm not making this up...it is right in front of me)
Glass jar or bottle...And I'm supposing you could use the Vodka bottle here, although the recipe doesn't say that.

Split vanilla beans lengthwise with a sharp knife.

Place in jar with Vodka, making sure the beans are completely covered.

Seal tightly and let stand in a cool, dark place for 4 months to a year.

Shake jar occasionally during standing time.

Yield 1 quart.

Tip: Extract will strenghten upon standing. Store tightly sealed indefinitely in a cool and dark place. (a morgue, maybe? the bottom of a lake? under the house might be ok. let's go with that one.)

Well, all this work on the winery and the spice factory has tired me out. Think I'll hit the hay. We'll talk more about the new classifieds later...
Jon
Click to expand...

If you look at a bottle of vanilla extract I think it comes in around 30-35% alchohol so this "recipe" is probably not very far off. And given the price of real vanilla extract vs. top shelf vodka and vanilla beans its probably about a "break even" to small plus! :D
 
I've decided to use Stolichnaya Vodka...for the vanilla, not the wine. I looked at the liquor store tonight, and there are various flavors of the stuff, but there is no vanilla flavor. I think I'll market it as Vladimir Vanilla. Sort of like the flavors of "Otter Pops" (for those who remember those: Little Orphan Orange, Goofy Grape, Sir Isaac Lime, Strawberry Short Kook, etc. An Otter Pop would be ok right now. Do they still make those?
Jon
 
While shaving this morning, this fellow on the radio was talking about the “Da Vinci Code,” and Dan Brown and how many skillions of dollars Dan is making, and Hey! People writing novels are getting rich! I write stuff that I give away for free. Besides, a lot of what I’ve been writing has to do with light seal replacement. Hardly anybody is going to try to turn that into a Hollywood movie. Well, unless they need something to keep Ben Affleck busy.

So, right here at the RFF, I’m going to write a novel. A suspense novel with a complex plot of international intrigue. I have not decided on a title yet, but we’ll start with Section I…
Section I​
Chapter one:
The svelte, studly Buck Diamond kicked open the door of Hodpecker’s Camera Repair and said in a gruff voice “My Mamiya got busted.” His girl Nymphia follows him in, strutting in her classy Las Cruces sort of way. Elmo Hodpecker, normally a courteous man, reaches under the counter and pulls out a sawed-off shotgun. Pointing it at Buck, he said “Oh, yeah? Well your busted Mama can keep my busted Mama company. She’s doing 3 to 5 for writing bad checks down at the Piggly Wiggly. So go tell your priest about it, punk.” Buck spits out his cigarette, squints his steely blue eyes and says “Wait just a minute. First, I don’t smoke. Second, something doesn’t make sense here. Piggly Wiggly closed all their stores 15 years ago. That means your Mama couldn’t have dropped bad paper there 3 to 5 years ago. What do you think, I flunked out of first grade? Its starting to look like you just don’t want to fix my Mamiya.” Nymphia Scooterpie reaches into Buck’s jacket to get the keys to the Gremlin. She says “Buck, I’m going to 7-11 to get a cherry Slurpee. You want me to get you some Slim Jims or something for lunch?”

Chapter two:
Thirty two timezones to the East, Russian President Vitaly Jackavonovich is nervously pacing the floor of his dacha while his sultry and smoldering girlfriend, Ahna Mata Poeia reclines on the chaise. He picks up the phone and dials his friend Texas Governor Preston Pusbucket. “Preston, my friend,” he says “I need your help. I need a man capable of telling me what the Japanese are doing. You know…I do not always trust them.” Preston lobs his empty Pearl beer bottle at the trash can and misses by a yard. “Aw, hell, Jack,” says Preston “This sounds like a job for Buck Diamond.” Vitaly says “My name is not Jack.” Preston replies “Whatever.”

Chapter three:
Preston calls Buck’s cell phone, which is always in the front pocket of his skin tight jeans. He has the ringer off but the vibrate function enabled when the call from the Governor comes in. Preston and Elmo are still locked in a death stare at each other. With the phone vibrating excitedly in his pocket, Buck says in a growl “Doggone it, Nymphia…quit fondling my williediddle while Elmo is pointing a shotgun at me.” At this point Elmo rolls his eyes and mutters something about the dumbing down of America, how too many people are watching "American Idol," and how his tax dollars are just totally wasted because of this Robin Hood school funding scheme. He fires above Buck’s head and Buck wets his pants as he is running out the door.

Chapter four:
Buck slides into the Gremlin as he takes Preston’s call. Nymphia hits the gas and heads toward the airport. She’s been to this rodeo before. “Buck” says Preston “I need you to go to Japan and tell me what those guys are doing.” Buck says “Which guys? There are about 127,417,244 guys over there.” Preston rolls his eyes and mutters “Criminy, but I knew that Robin Hood plan was a mistake. Do these graduates know how to tie their shoes? The GOVERNMENT, Buck. Tell me what those government guys are doing.” Buck thinks to himself “Why doesn’t he just call and ask them?” Then he remembers “Ah, Preston Pusbucket doesn’t speak Japanese. Fortunately I am so Tensai-teki member of Mensa Society that he realizes I'm the perfect secret agent.” “Sure thing, Preston,” replies Buck as he slips his broken Mamiya into his case.

Chapter Five:
Buck unwraps a Slim Jim on the plane heading for Tokyo. He reaches into his case and removes his Mamiya. He thinks to himself “Maybe I should just sell this thing. I’ll bet Greyhoundman would buy it. I’d list it on the RFF, but woe unto me, they changed those classifieds, and that old system was so much better.” Then he nods off, his thoughts drifting back to Nymphia and the orange Gremlin with its dependable AM radio.

(section II will follow in time)...
 
Jon,

You mean he didn't change his slim tight jeans after peeing in them?

Yech! :p
 
Jon, I'm sure you didn't know or you wouldn't have done a to be continued but... I am jinxed. I never ever get to finish or find out the conclusion to a 'to be continued' . You didn't do this on purpose right??

btw Ahna Mata Poeia ??? oh yeah.. ;- )
 
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