a working story and an apology

Thank you all, my friends, for the kind words. I cannot begin to explain how humbling it is to be received with so much warmth.

Much of the experience over the past year or two has been isolating for me. Knowing I have friends here is of great importance to me.

My biggest concern always remains the people of Syria and what they are facing. I witnessed unspeakable acts of barbarism that will effect generations to come. My heart goes out to every Syrian on each side of the divide.

Secondary to that is the growing ranks of individuals who contact me, almost daily, wanting to enter this arena and photograph. I don't feel I have the right to judge anyone's intentions however I can say that this is a job best left to professionals with the experience needed to stay alive. The death toll and missing amongst journalists is at an unmatched level in Syria and I count friends amongst those lost. One cannot ignore how prolific of an effect these events will have on your life if you are one of the lucky ones to return. Specifically if you have little to no conflict experience.

I am a lucky man in that I work on assignment. Meaning that I get paid daily for my work. I also have the support and resources of the outlets I work for. For the freelancers, who make up the bulk of photojournalists crossing the borders, the resources are simply not there. There is no help there, if you need it, and there is very little help provided when you return. It is simply not worth it.

Photography remains my life. I appreciate the welcome here at RFF and I assure all that your thoughts and friendship is a lifeline.
 
John, thanks very much for telling us all this. I think your words of wisdom need to be heeded by all who entertain ideas of pursuing photojournalism in conflict areas. And, as others have already said, all my best wishes for you as you get things back in order.
 
Welcome back.

Your words make it clear you are well on the way to building a new, productive life. Congratulations on reaching this point in your journey. I wish you well as you continue to recover from severe trauma and loss very few of us can comprehend.
 
I returned home in late 2012 with a short visit planned for 2013. It wasn’t until I had been home for a few weeks that I began to notice the beginnings of the upcoming battle I was going to experience on the home front. PTSD had buried itself deep inside of me and began to steadily dismantle my life by Christmas of 2012. As of now, November of 2013 this battle was to cost me my marriage, my home, a large portion of my career and most of my friends outside of photojournalism. PTSD made it almost impossible to remember anything that was going on in my life day to day, it drained any enthusiasm I had for anything and created such incredible anxiety that most days I hid from everyone and everything. By the spring of 2013 I was suicidal and count myself lucky to this day to be alive. I lost almost everything that I had built up in my life, lost professional friends to the conflict as well as eroded my reputation.
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I've been living with chronic depression for thirty years. It looks like you've found your bottom point. The most important thing, now, is to teach yourself survival strategies. Mine can be summed up as listening and smiling. Once you've found those strategies, either by yourself or with the help of others, you will need also to find the determination to practice them every minute of every day.

The most important thing to remember, to never lose sight of, is that you're ill. You're not malingering, not some form of hypochondriac, not inferior. You have a disability, in the same way as someone missing a limb has a disability. Admitting that to yourself, as you just have, is the most important part of living the best life you can in the circumstances.

Good luck.
 
John - sorry to hear about your problems. I hope you find it within yourself to recover from this and get back to some semblance of normalcy in your life. My prayers are with you.

Keith
 
Your profession takes an unimaginable level of bravery, and a great deal more of it to realize and admit where you are now. I could not do it.

I wish you the best and I hope you can rediscover the joy of photography as well as all that life can offer.
 
PTSD, for all that it has been getting more attention lately, is I think, still not well understood. Everyone is effected for their own reasons, in their own way, and with their own severity. It can be the sudden utterly horrible fear that comes without warning, and lasts for what seems like an eternity. It can be guilt that we allow ourselves to suffer from, whether we are really at fault for real, or just in our own mind.

I was not certain from your posts, but I hope you are getting professional help. There is no shame in that. There is no shame in having PTSD. Many in professions that combine stress and fear have it. I don't know that the condition ever had a name until WWI, when it began to be called shell shock. Now we call it PTSD, and try to take some of the former stigma away.

I can't give you any magic bullet. I suspect you will have a life-long battle, but maybe not. No matter, as you probalby already know, professional help should be able to speed your ability to cope. I suspect talking to others who have been where you have been may help. Some of them may also have PTSD, whether they admit it, or recognize it.

God bless you in your attempt to get through this. Never give up. I will pray for you.
 
In the morning I read your account and the two stories you linked to. I thought a lot about it, something about it all touched a nerve.

Just a few hours later, I read in the swedish newspapers about two (swedish) journalists who are gone missing in Syria since Friday. The reports corroborate with your story, and shows the very real dangers out there.

I wish you all the best for recovery and regaining of balance.
 
John,
Glad to have you back.
Nine years ago this week I was patrolling in Fallujah, Iraq and had no idea how that might affect me.
Nearly a decade has passed and everything is still fresh. The smell, the taste of that silt gritty in my teeth, the feeling of the air and hard soil against my face letting me know I'm still alive.
All these things will stay with you forever. For me I tried to hide them with a lot of tequila and that only delayed my healing. I learned that I have to really talk about it and eventually cried in 2012 after not doing so for eight years.

Our battles against this are all individual and we withdraw for that reason. I can say I understand what you're going through but in all reality I don't, because you had a different perspective on combat than I did, even though we were both photographers in-theater. All our struggles are unique and we must heal in our own ways and our own time frames. The social withdrawl may be against our better intrests but we all need to figure out ourselves before we allow others in. For some it doesn't take as long and for others it takes the rest of their lives.

Do what is right for you but stay with us and check in once in a while.

Be well.

Sincerest regards,
Phil Forrest
 
Welcome back John, it´s admirable to tell your story as an example to many that would take that kind of work lightly, as needed as it is to have reliable journalism in place we can´t never forget the toll it takes on the lives who are there to witness the terrors of war.

My sincere admiration for your courage and best wishes for your future.
 
Phil,

I know that grit in the teeth well. I am not sure what rattles me more... the direct memories or when that sick feeling of anticipation rolls up in me.

Here is a link to the Swedish Journalists story mentioned;

http://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory/swedish-journalists-abducted-syria-21008357

oftheherd,

I am indeed getting professional intervention/help. I have also been bi-polar my whole life so tackling a bad case of PTSD on my own was just not an option. You are right, I feel no shame about the treatment and admission. What has caused a lot of shame is the feeling I abandoned the people inside Syria and the aftermath of a year of erratic behaviour. It is strange how many people will let the symptoms of PTSD destroy their lives and relationships before they even dream of admitting they have a problem.

Sejanus,

I appreciate your words. Publicly the gap between ill and just a jerk, or lazy is a tiring battle. I know you are aware of this. I have returned to shooting assignments and that keeps me busy most of the time.

Newsgrunt,

I have many new friends here, that I have met through the gallery, that have essentially kept me on track and alive. I hope we can cross paths soon mon ami.

Michael,

Thank you for the PM. I emailed you a while back but perhaps it didn't get through. I will send a note tonight my friend.

Simon,

What to say? Missed you buddy. Hope all is well.

Everyone,

You should all be proud of such a great community of people. I have missed it dearly. I am ok and will continue to move forward. After a year and a half of watching my life crumble around me I have arrived in a pretty good spot. Now it's rebuild it all and get back to my career. I actually look forward to the challenge of redefining what I do and how I work.

In the end, I implore all to be very, very thoughtful of the impact of a career in conflict photography. We tend to make heroes of the people who work in this world, and perhaps rightfully so. We must also be very aware of the heavy toll it can have on your life.
 
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