Got a joke to share?

[adep]

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders dinner. After the waiter brings the panda his meal, the panda eats it, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. Horrified, the cook yells, "What have you done?!?" The panda says, "Hey, I'm a panda, look it up!" and walks out. The cook grabs his dictionary: "Panda: native to Asia, eats shoots and leaves."

 

[Mike Richards]

The Frog

The Frog

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says......
(ah one and ah two and ah .....)

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[Keith]

Time for some Spike Milligan, methinks. I think it's safe to say he had an "affinity" for the Irish.

Questioner - "I see you're wearing a Cambridge tie"
Irishman - "Oh yessir"
[pause]
Q - "You were at Cambridge?"
I - "Yessir"
Q - "And what were you doing in Cambridge?"
I - "I was buying a tie"

A favourite of mine from the great man ... a short poem..

Things that go bump in the night,
should not really give one a fright.
It's only each ear that lets in the fear,
that and the absence of light!
🙂

 

[Film dino]

Two tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanhyfryddawelllehynafolybaarcudprindanfygythiadtrienusyrhafnauole they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr -gurrr-Kiing.

 

[Film dino]

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

[Michael I.]

A catholic priest and a protestant one are arguing how to divide the money they get between the parish and themselves. The catholic one suggest to draw a circle on the ground and throw the coins in the air - what lands in the circle goes to the parish,outside - to him. The protestant suggests drawing a line on the ground,throw the coins,left side - parish,right side - pocket. In the end they decide to consult a rabbi. The rabbi says"whats the problem? You throw the money in theair - what god wants - he keeps!"

 

[jack palmer]

A blond gets on a plane going to Huston. When the plane is in the air she gets up and moves to first class. The flight attendant sees this and asks the blond to see her ticket. The flight attendant looks at the ticket and says this ticket is for coach, I'm sorry but you'll have to move back to coach. The blond says" I'm blond. I'm beautiful and I'm staying right here. The flight attendant goes up to the cockpit and relays the story. The co-pilot says I'll handle this and goes back to first class and tells the blond that she'll have to move back to coach. he blond repys" I'm blond. I'm beautiful and staying right here. The co-pilot goes back to the cockpit and tells the pilot. The pilot says' i'll take care of this , I'm married to a blond. The pilot goes back and wispers in the blonds ear.The blond gets up and moves back to coach. The co-pilot and flight attendant are amazed and asks the pilot just what he said to the blond. The pilot says. " I just told her that first class doesn't go to Huston.

 

[galavanter]

Two dyslexic guys walk into a bra.

 

[dostacos]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
-
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
-
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
-
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in
the world."
-
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
-
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
-
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant. "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."
-
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell?"