Haven't seen any bad jokes for a while so...

On a tour bus across the dessert of Israel, a new tour-guide decided to impress his audience with his knowledge. He said, "There, to your right, off the distance, is a traditional Hebrew shepherd tending his sheeps. You guys know that a shepherd is the protector of his herd and will do anything for them!"

Right there and then, the man with the sheeps started kicking them, roping their necks and drag them into a big shed, the sheeps were terrified. The tourists on the bus started giggling and the tour-guide's jaw dropped, his face turned red and he became furious. He told the bus driver to stop and he stormed out of the bus and head towards the man with the sheep.

"You!!" "what the heck are you doing to your sheeps?" "you are embarrasing me in front of those foreign tourists, what kind of shepherd are you?!!!" fumed the tour guide.

The man just stared at him blankly and said "... I am a butcher..."
 
Dear RF forum members,

Thanks so much for these jokes I laughed till the tears ran.

Very best wishes,

Gary Haigh
 
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps
right in front of the car..
The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the

Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying
on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.
"I feel terrible!", he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him..
The Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves,
hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops
out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands:
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..


(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
 
(On the subway ...)

Out-of-towner: Uh, excuse me ...

New Yorker: Yeah?

Out-of-towner: Uh, can you tell me how to get to Macy's?

New Yorker: Sure, just watch me and get off two stops before I do. 🙂
 
An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and

hands it to her husband.

It says, " I just let out a silent fart,

what do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in

your hearing aid."

😀
Rob
 
This is a classic:

Now there is this bar, dim, slightly smoky place, a bit grimy, you get the idea, cone of light streaming from the ceiling lamp, broken piano in the corner, a guy behind the bar cleaning some glasses with a towel and a barmaid serving a few guests. The door opens, and in walks a panda with a bag; he walks over, slowly, to a corner table, sits down heavily, waves for the barmaid, orders something to eat. So she gets him a steaming plate, and he eats noisily, munching for some twenty minutes, then he waves again and reaches for his bag. So she walks over and gets out her notepad to take the bill, and at the same moment he takes out a huge revolver and shoots the barmaid straight in the chest two or three times: BANG! BANG! BANG!

The barmaid drops dead instantly, and the panda looks at his smoking gun, puts it back into his bag lazily and gets up. As he turns towards the door, the barman, who has been standing in shocked silence, yells after him:

"What the hell was that for?"

And the panda turns around, tosses him a book and walks out. The barman opens the book with trembling fingers and finds that it's an encyclopaedia, with a bookmark sticking in it. So he opens it at the page with the bookmark and reads:

"Panda. Eats, shoots and leaves."
 
This one is bad ...

Q: What's the difference between Celine Dion and an air-raid siren?


A: Well, one of them emits a very annoying shrill ear-splitting screech. And the other one warns you of a storm or an attack.


(Hey, I told you it was bad!) 🙂
 
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