Kill my neighbour's goat

Status
Not open for further replies.
R

Roger Hicks

Veteran
Local time
7:11 PM
Joined
Apr 15, 2005
Messages
23,920
A Frenchman, and Englishman and a Russian were each granted a wish (this is a Soviet-era joke, which is why it's a Russian).

The Frenchman says, "My neighbour has a beautiful teenage mistress, and I haven't even got a girlfriend. I would like a beautiful teenage mistress too."

"No problem," says the genie.

The Englishman says, "My neighbour has a Rolls Royce, and I haven't even got a car. I'd like a Rolls Royce too."

"No problem," says the genie.

The Russian says, "My neighbour has a goat, and I have no goat. Kill my neighbour's goat..."

Cheers,

R.
 
Last edited:
Three friends, a Frenchman, a German and a New Yorker, are on safari. A tribe of very sophisticated cannibals captures the Safari. This tribe is multilingual, technically skilled, environmentally green, and they take great pride in their culinary skill.

The chief addresses the three: Welcome to our village. Make no mistake, we are cannibals and we plan to cook and eat you. But, you should know that we will make the best use of you.. for instance, we will invite the neighboring tribes to dine on our feast. We will make good use of your bones. Some will be used for tools. Others will simmer for days, making a wonderful broth for a Saturday Brunch. And we will stretch your skin for use on our new canoes.

As a gesture of good will, we will allow you to choose your method of death. The Chief says to the Frenchman, “how do you wish to die?” The Frenchman looks around, thinking.. and replies..” I wish death by guillotine”. The Chief exhaled, mumbling something about the French, and summoned the tribal engineer. Our French guest requests a guillotine. Weeks went by, and finally the guillotine was finished, and so was the Frenchman.

The Chief called for the German. The German, thinking of the weeks his French friend bought with his request asked to die by a single bullet from a German Luger. The Chief smiled, went to his hut and returned with a oak presentation case containing a matched set of German Lugers. The German left to meet his French friend.

The Chief now approached the New Yorker. The Chief said, I saved you for the last: How do you wish to die? The New Yorker asked the Chief for a large fork. The Chief questioned the New Yorkers request, but complied, giving the New Yorker a large fork. The New Yorker, began stabbing himself with the fork. The Chief asked “What are you doing.?.. this is crazy”. The New Yorker replied.. “Here’s your “blanking" canoe”
(for those non New Yorkers reading this, replace blanking with the correct word)
 
Last edited:
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

John
 
Last edited:
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, & are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"
 
Last edited:
tlitody said:
There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?" The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, french legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"
Click to expand...

Please please dont mess with the fonts, it means that people ondifferent themes cant read the posts.
 
John Lawrence said:
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

John
Click to expand...

Excellent! I'd also want to be shot first in this scenario.
 
JayGannon said:
Please please dont mess with the fonts, it means that people ondifferent themes cant read the posts.
Click to expand...

I didn't. I use the Iskin template which is white. I just copied and pasted from another app and looks fine in Iskin. I have to mess with it to make it view in Xpand skin. You should be able to read it now
 
a horse walks into a saloon, sits the bar and sticks his head out to nuzzle the bartender's back

the bartender turns around and looks at the horse

the horse looks back at him, his large brown eyes aglow in the low light of the bar

the bartender chuckles to himself and says, "why the long face"?

the horse, unable to understand human speech, stares dumbly back at him. later, he will be made into dog food.
 
Colonel Sanders visits Cardinal O'Conner in New York.

Sanders: You know when you Cat'licks thank the lord for the daily bread? I'll give the Pope 100 Million dollars if for ten years during all Cat'lick services in the world you thank the lord for their daily fried chicken instead.

O'Conner: Thank you for your generosity but that is a tall order. We have our traditions which cannot be easily bought with material riches. Anyway I'll pass your message to the Holy Father.

O'Conner calls the Pope: Holy Father, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we have a donation for 100 million dollars. The bad news is that we probably will lose the Wonder Bread account.
 
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are given a task. They can use up to 8 pieces of fence to surround the most land area with the minimal fence cost per land area.

The engineer believes he has "the" solution, being afraid the physicist and the mathematician will show "the" solution before him, he volunteers to be the first to demonstrate his idea. He uses all the 8 pieces of fence he is given to make a perfect square, and says to the physicist and the mathematicians, he has a patent pending on this square.

The physicist can't stop giggling after hearing what the engineer says. He is anxious to prove the engineer's ignorance. He applies variational principle on the cost of the fence and the surface area of the land, he concludes that the optimal number of fence pieces to use is 2 pi, which has the best discrete approximation of 6. Then he uses 6 pieces of fence to make a regular hexagon and asks the engineer, "You didn't have this hexagon patented, did you?".

The mathematician never paid attention to the engineer and the physicist. He is in his own world enjoying the breeze of this open land. He walks up with an expressionless face, takes 3 pieces of fence to surrounds himself, then says "I declare this outside."
 
Last edited:
Roger Hicks said:
... (this is a Soviet-era joke, which is why it's a Russian)....

Cheers,

R.
Click to expand...

The only Soviet-era joke I know is about a Russian who orders a new Lada & is quoted delivery in two years time, specifically on Friday 20th October. He thinks for a moment, then shakes his head and says "No, that's not a good day, the plumber's coming then"
 
Film dino said:
The only Soviet-era joke I know is about a Russian who orders a new Lada & is quoted delivery in two years time, specifically on Friday 20th October. He thinks for a moment, then shakes his head and says "No, that's not a good day, the plumber's coming then"
Click to expand...

There were a string of lada jokes such as:

Q. What is the main purpose of the rear demist on a Lada?
A. To keep your hands warm when you are pushing it.
 
Actually, my favourite "Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman" joke is:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar, and the barman says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

The original joke was prompted by Frances's saying, "The way some people seem to feel about the M9 Titan is, 'Kill my neighbour's goat'."

Cheers,

R.
 
Roger Hicks said:
Actually, my favourite "Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman" joke is:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a bar, and the barman says, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

The original joke was prompted by Frances's saying, "The way some people seem to feel about the M9 Titan is, 'Kill my neighbour's goat'."

Cheers,

R.
Click to expand...

Irish builder looking for a job goes for a trade-test and is asked "what is the difference between a joist and a girder?" he answers ... "well ... sir ... that would be ... that Joyce was a novelist and Girder a playwright ... sir"


... didn't get the job, I expect
 
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman paid her fare and stormed to the back of the bus, took a seat and wept. The man sitting next to her asked her what was wrong. "The driver insulted me," she sobbed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top Bottom