Tornmented with guilt...

[nomade]

I just wanted to share this with you, it happened few days ago and i cannot neglect it, i've been so passive, i's not that i didn't want to react, but i just saw what happened and if i ahd a camera, i'd say i was waiting for the decisive moment to come, which is plain stupid, i could have saved someone from being violated...But i was just observing, as if i was a ghost watching humans interacting together, or it was like watching a movie...I've been having this syndrome for a while, and i don't want to have the "watching role" in this universe, it was serious, it could have been something else that is more serious, but i bet i'd be watching too...In my nature i'm more perceptive, i'm usually observign watching, but it has never stopped from interfering when the ball came to my feet...


It happened in a tram, here in Egypt, there are 2 mixed cars(carts whatever),a nd oen that is private for women only...And it's usually less crowded, so i was there, with a friend, on the other side in front of me there was a veiled girl with a long skirt, and a worker from near construction sites, hanged in the door while the tram was moving, and the ticket-guy told him to stay for his safety, the girl was giving her back to the door, so that boy, that worker was merely a teenager, he sneaked near the girl's back, lifted her sckirt, slowly and carefully, it seemed that no one saw him but me, till he managed to get his hand on her private area, i donno how far he reached, and i don't know how did i shut up, how i kept wtahcing it happening, but the girl suddenly screamed and some gave the boy a kick off the tram's door(it was open), and for a girl i know how it feels to be violated like that, this kind of accident is common around here, cause the boys really have a problem with sexuality and abstinence, they have a hunger for doing stuff like that, looks like vengeance from girls, society, whatever...But it usually doesn't get that far, and at the moment she screamed, untill i got off thsi tram, i ahd no sense of reality, this has happened and i suddenyl realized i could have stopped it...

But i didn't, and i just can't get rid of that feeling. I can't stop thinking of that girl, and how she must be still feeling right now...She's veiled and she thinks she's protecting ehr self, that she's safe, because she's not doing things the wrong way, and yet she gets such a thing to happen anyway...I mean she was 17 at max, and i bet she doesn't go out that much,a nd doesn't have any experience with dealing with the other sex, and probably she can't get rid of the idea that she's not safe, that she can be violated and that she probably cqan't walk near any guy right now...And it happens.

And somehow i didn't manage to react to what i saw...

 

[ChrisN]

Nomade, don't be too hard on yourself. It must have seemed unreal, watching that unfold before your eyes, and I suspect your conscious mind was saying "this can't really be happening".

Luckily, the other young women did not suffer more serious abuse in that incident. Remember that you too are a victim in this attack by the young man; he intended to shock and frighten, and he achieved that with both of you. Don't be hard upon yourself, or you carry on the work that he started. And I'll bet that the next time you see something like this begin, you will act.

 

[Jocko]

Nomade, I have often found that at moments of crisis we tend to step back into an inner calm which detaches us from the action around us. This is in part a natural protective process: we are reasoning beings and need to think and act calmly.

It can also involve simple disbelief: we do not want to believe what we see. The boy acted in a gross, cruel and thoroughly repulsive manner. Part of you - the reasoning part - simply could not credit that anyone could do this, so, for a moment, you remained passive. That is not your fault, everyone here will have had a similar experience. We walk through life barely awake: you did not decide not to act - the unconscious "autopilot" that guides us through daily routine simply failed to respond in time. One might even suggest that the experience will have taught it a lesson: Next time you will act.

As for the poor girl, we cannot answer for the feelings of another, or estimate the depth of trauma: let us hope she shrugs it off. I assume from her dress she is a person of strong religious belief and thus has strength from that source. All that we can do is strive to behave with kindness and decency towards one another, which is obviously what you do. May all of us do likewise, and learn.

All the best, Ian

 

[lynn]

Nomade:

Please don't berate yourself. You could not have anticipated this happening where it did, in a "safe" place, and - although the whole incident probably unfolded in slow (agonisingly slow) motion - it probably transpired in so few seconds that a reaction would have been impossible.

It's a wicked world sometimes. Recognising, and lamenting, and articulating the wickedness is half the battle.

 

[nomade]

Thank you for the support, there's no way i can understand or feel what she could be feeling right now, i know...I just couldn't help thinking.

 

[RML]

Nomade, I had a similar experience once, though this time it was a spousal(?) disagreement in the middle of teh street. Big (I mean BIG) man, slapping his wife/GF, shouting abuse, etc. What to do? I saw it. I was there. Interfer? Try to prevent it from going on? Call the police? This was years before cell phones were commonly available, and in the middle of the night. It still feel bad.

In India this groping also happens regularly, even to my wife who happened to be walking a few paces behind me due to the narrowness of the pavement. Our daughter was walking there with us too. My wife dressed in khurta salwar and a shawl. Still the MF'er groped her boobs from behind. G8ddamn MF'ers have no shred of decency in their entire body. And it happens to many girls and young women everywhere. What to do about it? It's a mentality thing, and how do you change that?

 

[oftheherd]

Do you think you are a cowardly, vile, voyeristic person yourself, who does not care what misfortune befalls others as long as it doesn't happen to you and you can watch? You think you refuse to come to the aid of other humans because you fear becoming involved and others will think you a busybody?

DON'T BELIEVE IT!

You may think some of those things about yourself. That is human and proves your own humanity. Your post alone proves you care and question what goes on around you and your own reaction. That is also to your credit.

Truely, at what point could you have reacted without being accused of falsely accusing the man? When he reached for her dress? When it was lifted up part way? Would you best have yelled first, or pointed it out to others first? How far into his actions could he have denied bad intent with some plausibility? I wasn't there and I don't know your culture so I can't answer that for you. You are feeling a lot of guilt so you may not be able to answer that well either.

Think about it some more. Ask others you trust to be honest without berating you or dismissing your questions. That is important. You need caring and thoughtful answers, not berating or belittling answers. I don't even know if you can get them where you are. Use this as you do other life experiences, a vehicle for learning and planning what you will do should it ever happen again. If it is possible based on your circumstances and culture, consider talking to a professional about this. Not that you are so wrong, but just to help you deal with your humanity.

Questioning our actions (or lack of action) is a human thing to do. We all do it all the time. It is proper and healthy. Sometimes we come up short in our estimation of ourself. Just don't beat yourself to death because of it. Simply know you have done something you want to do differently if the situations comes up again, and decide how best to handle it.

One last thing. I will almost bet you aren't the only one who saw this developing. Given that, do you think any of the others who saw it are questioning their reactions as you do? Or are they telling themselves they did the right thing for whatever reason makes it possible to live with themselves and their own guilt? For that matter, how about the girl? I don't know what she was wearing, or how aware she should have been. Could she really not have felt her clothing moving? If she or others were paralyzed into not doinging anything, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself either.

All the above to say don't dwell on this to the point it becomes unhealthy for you. Just know you are human too. Then plan what you think based on your own personality and your culture, what is your best reaction if you see it happen again. Good luck in that.

 

[nomade]

It's a habit of mine, i don't feel that guilt anymore, i'm kinda reliefed because i let it out, but i'm used to think about what has happened during my day, about my responsability, towards some people or ion some situations, about what i should have made right or wrong, about what i like about myself, what i want to change, how far i've gone, and what do i need to think about, where i am right now, what did i achieve, what do i want to achieve, what kinda person i am, how satisfied i am...etc.

And i cna be harsh sometimes, i donno if i'm sensible tor sensitive, or caring, but i can't help thinking about these incidents, that other people who might have been watching too have already forgotten...

This sometimes helps me to be a better person, to learn, to act the right way when a chance appears...Soemtimes yes, sometimes not.

There are very few times when i felt guilty and tornmented in my life, but for example, if you've reacted in a way to a child for ex, do you realize how affected this child might be, how this could leave an unerasable print in his life, i mean sometime si can't help thinking that way. And i just can't neglect that probably i did something terrible, or wrong, not that i'm a terrible person, but sometimes we cna care less, and sometimes this harms people in a way, they will go on with their lives, and my life won't stop either.

I'm probably not organizing my thoughts, but some of you may realize how greta it feels when you teach someone something usefull, when a child still remembers that one times you helped him, or stood by him, or taught him something new.
And it just feels as bad when you feel responsable for some's misery, or sadness, no matter how minor it seems.

 

[Pherdinand]

it's a shame. But as you mentioned it's a society problem. Whenever you forbid or hide something you only create more problems because people get more curious about it. The worlds / countries / societies with many restrictions are full of hippocricy, be it a muslim country or the (in)famous pedophilia scandals involving the catholic church.

Just try to get over it and see it from the positive side, -it could have ended much worse but it did not.