williams473
Well-known
Bit of self-reflection this morning…I worked in the darkroom for the first time in four years last night. The hiatus was in part involuntary, as I have in that time endured a divorce and fairly lean financial times. On the other side now, happily remarried and able to scrape enough together to afford paper and chemistry, I spent a few hours last night making a couple prints I intend to submit to a prestigious juried show in my city. My work will be competing with other mediums…painting, sculpture, installation etc., so I wanted to be sure to present the finest in craft that I can muster.
What I never saw coming were the emotions stirred up by the printing process. I found I was agitated most of the night, with little patience for tongs that didn’t always grasp the heavy rag paper, for the time it was taking to dry down test strips, and for the knowledge that each sheet of paper amounted to a significant sum of money. But I know the actual reasons for finding myself upset have little to do with the minor trials of darkroom work.
What I have learned about myself is that the root of anger is fear, so I had to reflect on what made me afraid last night to get to the bottom of it. And reflecting now, I have to believe that it is the fear that all the added work and money involved in making a print makes me afraid that in the end, it’s not worth it. I guess I need to “believe” in the value of hard work for something that the world largely regards as a “hobby.” Do I really believe that “real work” is only that which generates income?
Technical aspects played on me as well - I have become used to scanning my negatives, working them in Photoshop and saving them away in a folder to perhaps make a lab print later. But wanting to exhibit my very best efforts for the upcoming show, that wasn’t an option last night. (In fact, because both photographs are ones I have worked to completion digitally, I left my laptop open in the other room and used the Photoshop file as a guide in the darkroom. I found that to be a huge help that really helped me get the print right.) But the added commitment of the paper and chemistry, and the TIME – there is a lot of emotion riding on that, and where I suppose for me photography crosses from hobby into craft. I guess the old idiom “nothing ventured, nothing gained” applies for me today.
Funny how this medium of ours – traditionally considered so cold and technical – can reflect back to me such a wide spectrum of feeling… as with many other pursuits, the thing is not the thing!
Matt
What I never saw coming were the emotions stirred up by the printing process. I found I was agitated most of the night, with little patience for tongs that didn’t always grasp the heavy rag paper, for the time it was taking to dry down test strips, and for the knowledge that each sheet of paper amounted to a significant sum of money. But I know the actual reasons for finding myself upset have little to do with the minor trials of darkroom work.
What I have learned about myself is that the root of anger is fear, so I had to reflect on what made me afraid last night to get to the bottom of it. And reflecting now, I have to believe that it is the fear that all the added work and money involved in making a print makes me afraid that in the end, it’s not worth it. I guess I need to “believe” in the value of hard work for something that the world largely regards as a “hobby.” Do I really believe that “real work” is only that which generates income?
Technical aspects played on me as well - I have become used to scanning my negatives, working them in Photoshop and saving them away in a folder to perhaps make a lab print later. But wanting to exhibit my very best efforts for the upcoming show, that wasn’t an option last night. (In fact, because both photographs are ones I have worked to completion digitally, I left my laptop open in the other room and used the Photoshop file as a guide in the darkroom. I found that to be a huge help that really helped me get the print right.) But the added commitment of the paper and chemistry, and the TIME – there is a lot of emotion riding on that, and where I suppose for me photography crosses from hobby into craft. I guess the old idiom “nothing ventured, nothing gained” applies for me today.
Funny how this medium of ours – traditionally considered so cold and technical – can reflect back to me such a wide spectrum of feeling… as with many other pursuits, the thing is not the thing!
Matt
