+1, that really made me laugh! Thanks for the Huff-isms, they were spot-on.
You also should add things like "since I got this lens I HAVEN'T TAKEN IT OFF MY CAMERA, IT'S THAT GOOD" and "THIS LENS HAS AMAZING DRAMA AND RENDERING", then add some exciting sample photos of trees and rocks.
Now let me try my hand at a faux KenRockwell review:
[SIZE=+4]KMZ Jupiter-3 50mm F1.5 [/SIZE]
[SIZE=+4] [SIZE=+3]JUPITER-3 "PLUS" (2016-)[/SIZE][/SIZE]
JUPITER-3 50mm F1.5, silver (40.5mm filters, 16.2 oz./460g; $649). This free website's biggest source of support is when you click on some silly links. They are never in stock; you have to order yours and wait. If you're in a hurry, you can always find questionable old Jupiter-3's from dodgy sellers on eBay). It helps me when you get
anything through these links, regardless of the country in which you live. Or just send me piles of money through PayPal. Thanks! Ken.
[SIZE=+3]Introduction[/SIZE]
Intro Specs Performance Compared Recommendations
The KMZ/Lomography Jupiter-3 "plus" is a remarkable lens, being the world's only Russian lens with the ability to instantly hipsterize even the most straight-laced photographer.
This JUPITER-3 has the best bokeh of any lens, and it is KMZ's best lens ever, however it is still not as sharp as the LEICA SUMMICRON-M 50mm F2. Nothing beats a SUMMICRON. Except maybe another SUMMICRON.
This KMZ JUPITER-3 comes in solid chromed brass, as shown here. This solid-brass silver version is very dense and heavy; my gas chromatograph machine indicated the aperture ring is made from finely-milled depleted uranium. That's why it's so heavy.
[SIZE=+2]Compatibility
[/SIZE]
This KMZ JUPITER-3 works perfectly on every Leica camera, from 1954's LEICA M3 to 2016's LEICA SL Typ 601. Changing camera mounts with the JUPITER-3 is simple: the LEICAMAN needs to pay extra money for an adapter. Of course, the LEICAMAN uses $100 bills to light his Cuban cigars, so buying adapters is trivial.
[SIZE=+2]
[SIZE=+3]Specifications
[/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]Name[/SIZE]
Lomo calls this the KMZ JUPITER-3 PLUS 50mm F1.5 ART LENS.
Lomo is from the original Byelorussian "ломо" meaning "hipster". KMZ is an Anglicized acronym from the original Russian, meaning "Красногорский механический завод", or "Red Hill Mechanical Plant".
The plus means it's not an original Jupiter-3, but rather a re-engineered design. The ART LENS means you'll put up with this lens's idiosyncrasies in order to justify paying $649 for a Russian lens.
[SIZE=+3]Performance[/SIZE]
[SIZE=+2]Overall[/SIZE]
The JUPITER-3 is KMZ's best 50mm f/1.5 yet. This lens has the best bokeh of any 50mm lens -- except the JUPITER-8. Now THAT'S an amazing lens!
[SIZE=+2]Bokeh[/SIZE]
Bokeh, the character of out of focus backgrounds, not simply how far out of focus they are, is extraordinary. Out of the dozens and dozens of different lenses I've evaluated, including the ballyhooed LEICA NOCTILUX 50mm f/1.0, this 50mm lens has by far the best bokeh of any rangefinder lens. Since the JUPITER-3 PLUS is made in Russia, I'd equate its bokeh to a creamy, savory borscht.
Bokeh is much, much better than the LEICA SUMMICRON 50mm f/2.0, and better than the LEICA SUMMILUX 50mm f/1.4.
I will post crops from extremely enlarged photos of some out-of-focus thingies.
In my examples, a vertically polarized phase lattice was set up at 3 meters (10 feet) on which the JUPITER-3 PLUS was focused, while synthetic reference vegetation seen out of focus in the background was at 15 meters (50 feet).
Note: my "vertically polarized phase lattice" was created using Alien technology from Area 51. This technology is from my days working as a Very Important Person at the US Department of Defense "Skunkworks". The "synthetic reference vegetation" is a favorite snack of extraterrestrials. Naturally, I have lots of it lying around my house.
[SIZE=+2][SIZE=+3]Recommendations[/SIZE][/SIZE]
This is the LEICAMAN'S 50mm lens. The LEICAMAN, like LEICA, isn't about photography; he's about the experience. This is the lens to have if you expect the best. Especially if "the best" means something from Russia.
If you're a photographer/audio engineer/opinionated blogger like me, I prefer the KMZ JUPITER-8 50mm f/2 which is sharper, smaller, lighter, doesn't block the viewfinder, and is easy to buy. Plus, the original JUPITER-8 smells of industrial axle grease. This JUPITER-3 PLUS excels only at élan, bokeh, and giving you that intangible Lomo vibe.
[SIZE=+2]
Help me help you[/SIZE]
If you've gotten your gear through one of my links, you're family. It's great people like you who allow me to keep adding to this site full-time.
Since you're family, I'd like to take photos of you eating french fries at the local family restaurant and doing cute things at various SoCal locations. Please email me for your contact info. Thanks!