Ruben,
I would like to offer a more indepth comment, but before I do, it seems like you are afraid to die, or you have become ill, or you are simply depressed? Maybe a combination of the above.
Since I really do not know you, or know what your life is like, I can offer a limited perspective based on my exeriences, which are similar to many.
Photographically speaking, I started when I was 12, I am now 40. I have been photographing and working in the darkroom consistantly since this time. Here is what I can say about how things have changed for me.
When I was younger, I had more enregy, which meant I could get up at the crack of dawn, photograph, process film, make contact sheets, and few 8x10's before I went to sleep, and repeat this pattern, when time allowed, for most of the week.
In my 20's my days were slightly different, but more or less the same, just that I was working, getting up early to work, be done by noon, and I would either photograph, process film or print. I would not say that I had a lot of energy, I was motivated because of my passion for photography, and sometimes I was successful, sometimes I wasn't.
In my 30's I had to straighten out my career path, because in my 20's I was so obsessed with photography, I lived that artist lifestyle, moving from San Francisco to New York, photographing during the day, working in the night, printing in between, going out na dbeing young. By the time I reached 30, I relaized that I did not want to live this way, poor, broke, destitute. When you are in your 20's it is a little easier. So I spent a good portion of my time figuring out my career, going back to school to determine, what would be the best balance. This meant less time for photographing and being free, about three years. I did not give up photography, in fact I probably, photogrpahed more meaningful work than any period of my life, but I what was sacrificed was not being able to process the film as often or no darkroom work for that period of time. I was working a professional job, saving money, got married, and began travelling out of the country for the first time in my life. I continued my education to continue to move on with my career, which gives me a stable income and ample vacation time to travel and work on my documentary projects. By the end of my 30's, my time and energy were divided between, my wife, my daughter, building a darkroom in our garage, and a little travelling to photograph and continue one documentary project, and the fortitude to start another one, which I never thought would be possible.
Now that I in my 40's I am tired more often, it is difficult for me to wake up at the crack of dawn to do anything, except to spend time with my daughter. I have less energy during the printing sessions, and don't get as much printing done as I use to. I also take my time, and will often take a break to do other things, and come back to continue printing, later that day. When I was younger, I would often for go social events or acitivies, unless there was a photographic opportunity there, now, I am more inclined to partake in more social activities and put the photography or printing on hold. I don't process my film right away, It will take sometimes a year or two to get things processed, and printing another few years. At the same time I am being more selective, both in what I photograph and what I print. I am still motivated to do this, but my priorities have shifted, and for many reasons, but I also want to enjoy my time here, while I am alive.
This is my photogrpahic life, this does not even include all the relationships, hardships, difficulties and struggles, and emotional aspects that have happened. And the photography has taken its toll on many relationships, which I thought, at the time, was the best thing, but with time and reflection, I now chalk up to careless youth for some of these decisions.
In reference to death or mortality, I am not sure if this is a concern to you or others, but there was a time when I feared death, but as I get older, and in the recent years, I have had quite a few friends pass away or are slowly dieing from one thing or another--cancer, suicide, old age, and car accidents. I started to ask myself if I were to die tomorrow, would be content with the life you had, and with what you have accomplished. I am able to answer, yes to this question. Hopefully this won't happen, as I now feel wiser, which helps me make better decisions, and more clear about what I hope to accomplish between now and when my time is up.
Physically, my health may decline, but I have changed my diet, and excerise more to help counter some of the aging process, which makes a difference in life and how feel about yourself.
We all live in a very complicated and complex world, my life is certainly not easier, and I still struggle with the daily aspects of life, and stresses from a job, which I need in order to live.
I hope this helps . . . Ruben you're still alive, which means you can make choices and decisions, whcih may change your outlook and perspective on life for the better.
