Almost the only clean joke I know

[rbiemer]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror,and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above mywaist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns toher husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft,thoughtful voice, "Well,there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St.Anselm's Memorial Chapel.

 

[Huck Finn]

We seem to be on a joke kick lately, so here's a lawyer joke:

Q: Why is the cannibal walking through the jungle eating monkey poop?
A: He had just eaten a lawyer & he wanted to get the bad taste out of his mouth.

 

[Natalia]

Mad Cow test: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/madcow.htm

 

[Andy K]

Yesterday I was having some work done at the local Ford dealer. A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-and-ten. We all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-and-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. Didn't help. He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Do you see a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there.

Here is a '710'.

 

[Andrew Sowerby]

Publisher: Sorry, but we won't be publishing your autobiography.

Author: Story of my life!

 

[Andrew Sowerby]

Also:

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

 

[dazedgonebye]

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

 

[SLEDGEHAMMER]

I HAVE A JOKE!!!! There was this guy and he didn't know how to fly. Someone told him he could do it., so HE JUMPED OFF A BUILDING!!!! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

 

[peterc]

Four guys were walking down the street.
Three walked into a bar.
The fourth ducked.

Peter

 

[Andrew Sowerby]

Two peanuts were walking down the street and one of them was a salted.

 

[George S.]

Why do the call it P.M.S. ....?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken!

 

[Trius]

Copake_Ham is driving his Lamborghini (he's a lawyer, you know) through the toolies of New Mexico. It's about a 100deg F out, and he needs gas, so he stops at one of those little "Gas & Eat Here" joints.

He gets out of the car, closing the door with a precise, Italian "snick", and instructs the kid to "Fill it up with Premium, and don't leave a mark", then goes in for a cold Coke.

While he's inside, a New Mexico kid from the hills drives up on a Kawasaki 50cc, "ring-a-ding-ding-ding"... The kid has NEVER seen a car likes this, so once the attendant finishes, he slips into the driver seat, as he just can't resist. Whoa!!! He can't believe all the dials, the guages, the leather. To him, it's the cockpit of an F-18.

Copake_ham emerges from the store, sees the local, and is enraged. He flips open the door, jerks the kid out of the car, shakes him by the shoulders, and shouts "Nobody, but NOBODY touches my car!"

With that, he jumps in the Lamborghini and races off down the road.

When he settles down, he looks in his rearview mirror and sees a speck, gaining on him ... finally he recognizes it as a motorcycle. Then "ring-a-ding-ding", the kid on the Kawasaki speeds by him.

"Whaaat the hell?" .... copake_ham stomps it, and SLOWLY gains on the motor cycle, finally passing the kid, but only when he's doing about 180mph. As he does, he says, "What the HELL has that kid got in that Kawasaki? NO WAY it can go that fast!"

He slows to a pedestrian 100mph, but the same thing happens as the kid goes hurtling by him.

So, he slows down, stops, gets out of the car and flags the kid down. But the kid slams into the back of his Lamborghini! C_H is shocked, and rushes over to the kid to give aid.

As the kid regains consciousness, C_H, says, "Kid, I'll get you to the hospital right away, but I have to know, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN THE KAWASAKI; NO WAY IT CAN GO THAT FAST!"

The kid rolls his eyes, looks up and says drum roll ....

....
....
....


"Mister ... nothin'. My suspender was caught in your door."

 

[rbiemer]

I am astonished that this thread is resurfacing. I suppose I could kill it and be nice to the rest of RFF but I won't.
I'm just mean sometimes.
Like now(we need an "evil laughter" smilie):
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?










Because he was pinned to a chicken.......



Rob

 

[DougK]

A priest, a monk, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Thanks, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers!