EX-LEPER:
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper.
MANDY (BRIAN'S MOM):
A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.
EX-LEPER:
Half a talent, then.
MANDY:
No, go away!
EX-LEPER:
Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle.
BRIAN:
What?
EX-LEPER:
All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred.
BRIAN:
No.
EX-LEPER:
Seventeen-fifty?
MANDY:
Go away!
EX-LEPER:
Seventeen-forty.
MANDY:
Look. Will you leave him alone?
EX-LEPER:
All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?
MANDY:
Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!
EX-LEPER:
All right, sir. My final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper.
BRIAN:
Did you say... 'ex-leper'?
EX-LEPER:
That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.
BRIAN:
Well, what happened?
EX-LEPER:
I was cured, sir.
BRIAN:
Cured?
EX-LEPER:
Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.
BRIAN:
Who cured you?
EX-LEPER:
Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do-gooder.
BRIAN:
Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
EX-LEPER:
Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir
BRIAN:
There you are.
EX-LEPER:
Thank you, sir. Thanks-- Half a denary for me bloody life story?
BRIAN:
There's no pleasing some people.
EX-LEPER:
That's just what Jesus said, sir.