dmr
Registered Abuser
A guy was arrested for disorderly conduct and malicious destruction of property.
He had allegedly ripped from the wall and destroyed a towel dispenser in a casino restroom.
The prosecutor showed the court several photos (8x10 color glossy photos with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence ...) of the towel dispenser in pieces, along with countless paper scraps, on the floor of the restroom.
"What do you have to say for yourself?", asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I was only following instructions."
"What exactly do you mean?"
The accused grabbed one of the photos and showed the judge the image of the piece of the dispenser which had the placard:
"Directions: Pull down, tear up."
He had allegedly ripped from the wall and destroyed a towel dispenser in a casino restroom.
The prosecutor showed the court several photos (8x10 color glossy photos with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one, explaining what each one was, to be used as evidence ...) of the towel dispenser in pieces, along with countless paper scraps, on the floor of the restroom.
"What do you have to say for yourself?", asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I was only following instructions."
"What exactly do you mean?"
The accused grabbed one of the photos and showed the judge the image of the piece of the dispenser which had the placard:
"Directions: Pull down, tear up."
KoNickon
Nick Merritt
Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac do?
A: Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
A: Stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
konicaman
konicaman
John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.
"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you dimwit! It's Tony Blair!"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question.
"John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you dimwit! It's Tony Blair!"
Thanimal
Established
A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer & a mop.
Bill Clark
Veteran
From a photographer friend:
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Bill Clark
Veteran
From same friend:
Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Patient: Really? What color?
--------
A lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
Patient: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Patient: Really? What color?
--------
A lawyer was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
Bill Clark
Veteran
Last one today (same photographer friend!):
An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar, come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, “I've already paid your colleague, who has left.”
The Scotsman is impressed, and says, "Let's try it together, this evening.”
So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The Englishman just says, "I've already paid your colleague who has left.”
And the Scotsman adds, “And we are still waiting for the change!"
An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar, come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say, “I've already paid your colleague, who has left.”
The Scotsman is impressed, and says, "Let's try it together, this evening.”
So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o'clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The Englishman just says, "I've already paid your colleague who has left.”
And the Scotsman adds, “And we are still waiting for the change!"
dmr
Registered Abuser
A Latin professor walks into a bar ...
"I'll have a martinus please."
"Uh, don't you mean martini?"
"No, only one please."
"I'll have a martinus please."
"Uh, don't you mean martini?"
"No, only one please."
Spavinaw
Well-known
I heard it this way:
There was a young lady from Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day in a relative way
And arrived on the previous night.
Also:
There once was a young man from Wheeling
Who had such a sensitive feeling
When the sign on the door
Said don't spit on the floor
That he jumped up and spat on the ceiling.
There was a young lady from Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day in a relative way
And arrived on the previous night.
Also:
There once was a young man from Wheeling
Who had such a sensitive feeling
When the sign on the door
Said don't spit on the floor
That he jumped up and spat on the ceiling.
peterm1
Veteran
This is an oldie but a goodie first told I believe by Canadian jokesters Wayne and Shuster in the 1960's. As shown here in a sketch about a Roman detective investigating the murder of Julius Caesar - "Big Julie". Listen to the dialogue at 4.40, corny but I love it........................
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rR_5h8CzRcI
Also their take on "Star Shtick" a take off on you guessed it....................
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsqaZ0Sbpow
That old time Jewish shtick never changes (and despite my comments about Big Julie, some of it never gets better either - still it raised a smile although a lot of that reaction may just be from nostalgia from memories of boyhood TV)
Bill Clark
Veteran
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Bob Michaels
nobody special
Bill Clark
Veteran
'Mr. .... I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
Bill Clark
Veteran
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
Bill Clark
Veteran
Q: How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
A: He gave her a ring.
A: He gave her a ring.
Bill Clark
Veteran
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
An American bank robber is vacationing in Mexico. Running short on cash he decides to rob a bank. Unfortunately, he gets caught.
The police chief doesn’t speak English, so he brings in an interpreter. He says to the interpreter: “Tell him I want to know where he hid the money.”
The interpreter tells him. The bank robber plays dumb: “Tell him I don’t know anything about any money.”
The police chief takes out his gun and points it at the robbers head and says: “Tell him if he doesn’t tell me where he hid the money, I’ll blow his brains out.”
The interpreter tells him. The robber, fearing that the chief might be serious, spills his guts: “Tell him that the money is under the trash bin behind the church in the center of town.”
The interpreter says: “My friend says he is prepared to die like a man.”
The police chief doesn’t speak English, so he brings in an interpreter. He says to the interpreter: “Tell him I want to know where he hid the money.”
The interpreter tells him. The bank robber plays dumb: “Tell him I don’t know anything about any money.”
The police chief takes out his gun and points it at the robbers head and says: “Tell him if he doesn’t tell me where he hid the money, I’ll blow his brains out.”
The interpreter tells him. The robber, fearing that the chief might be serious, spills his guts: “Tell him that the money is under the trash bin behind the church in the center of town.”
The interpreter says: “My friend says he is prepared to die like a man.”
Roninman
Established
One I heard the other day
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns?'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns?'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that
restaurant we went to last night?'
someonenameddavid
Well-known
A handy young man name of Peter,
Tried to fix a faulty gas meter.
He first struck a light,
Blew him clear out of sight.
And as anyone who knows anything about poetry will tell you,
Completely ruined the meter.
Tried to fix a faulty gas meter.
He first struck a light,
Blew him clear out of sight.
And as anyone who knows anything about poetry will tell you,
Completely ruined the meter.