Shac
Well-known
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
dmr
Registered Abuser
markjwyatt
Well-known
markjwyatt
Well-known
On that note:
The fire department gets a frantic call from a [presumably blonde] young woman. "Help, help, our school is burning. I am the teacher. We are trapped on the 4th floor. Come save us!". The fireman quickly responds "How do we get there?". The woman responds "Duh. In the big red truck", and hangs up.
Archiver
Veteran
Fuji and Leica walk into a bar.
The bartender says, 'what'll you have?'
They reply, 'I don't know, our joke teller has no clue'.
The bartender says, 'what'll you have?'
They reply, 'I don't know, our joke teller has no clue'.
dmr
Registered Abuser
Q: How many Trump supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: But what about Hillary Clinton!
A: But what about Hillary Clinton!
Bill Clark
Veteran
Three men die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!'
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on .... tall, long hair, fabulous body.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy man says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The woman says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbours feared him.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down… and I know he won't ask for directions."
GIRL: Babe I want and really like these pair of shoes but I forgot my purse at home..
HIM : How much are they...?
GIRL : $950...
HIM : Opens his wallet...
GIRL Excited...
HIM : Here's $20 take taxi and go fetch your purse I'll wait for you here...
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!'
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps.
He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on .... tall, long hair, fabulous body.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy man says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The woman says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbours feared him.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
Then one evening, he died when he was 98.
After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down… and I know he won't ask for directions."
GIRL: Babe I want and really like these pair of shoes but I forgot my purse at home..
HIM : How much are they...?
GIRL : $950...
HIM : Opens his wallet...
GIRL Excited...
HIM : Here's $20 take taxi and go fetch your purse I'll wait for you here...
Bill Clark
Veteran
Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
Bill Clark
Veteran
Rushing to get to the movies, my husband and I told the kids we had to leave "right now" at which point our teenage daughter headed for the bathroom to apply makeup. Her dad yelled for her to get in the car immediately, and headed for the garage grumbling.
On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn't put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."
From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn't need makeup."
My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."
On the way to the multiplex my husband glanced in the rearview mirror and caught our teen applying lipstick and blush, which produced the predictable lecture. "Look at your mom," he said. "She didn't put on any makeup just to go sit in a dark movie theater."
From the back I heard, "Yeah, but Mom doesn't need makeup."
My heart swelling with the compliment, I turned back to thank this sweet, wonderful daughter of mine just as she continued, "Nobody looks at her."
blumoon
Well-known
[URL="http://
53469180_363150020939678_4495167850654203904_n ][/URL]
53469180_363150020939678_4495167850654203904_n ][/URL]blumoon
Well-known
Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
chipgreenberg
Well-known
How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven
1 to change the lightbulb. 6 to stand there and say, "I could have done that better!"
How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many photographers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven
1 to change the lightbulb. 6 to stand there and say, "I could have done that better!"
seany65
Well-known
What do you call a feline animal sat on the trunk of a tree that has been chopped down and had it's branches and it's roots cut off?
A Catalog.
A Catalog.