Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

[Bill Clark]

Let's have some fun here and tickle our funny bones!

Here's one I read from a photographer friend:

My wife said that if I don't get off the computer, constantly playing with my photos, she'll slam my head on the
keyboard, but I think she's jokinfj reoiwjrtwe4to 8rkljreun8f4ny8
4c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

 

[peterm1]

Two photographers are walking down the street when they see a poor disheveled beggar sitting by the side of the footpath with a begging bowl in front of him. One photographer stops and approaches the beggar while the other continues on. A few minutes later the first photographer catches up with his friend who asks him. "That beggar back there....how much did you give him?" "Oh" says his friend, "1/250 at f 5.6".

 

[Bill Clark]

I like it!

Film or digital? Ha!

 

[madNbad]

A young woman steps on to a plane and immediately sit in a first class seat. The flight attendant approaches her and ask to see her ticket. The flight attendant informs her her ticket is for coach and the young woman replies, " I'm young, good looking, I'm going to New York and I'll sit where I choose!". The flight attendant is flabbergasted and calls the lead attendant. The lead receives the same answer. Finally they check with the pilots and the co-pilot says, "I'll take care of it." He leaves the cockpit, approaches the young woman and says something to her in a low voice, after which she picks up her belongings and moves to coach. The flight attendants are aghast and ask what he said. The co-pilot states, "I just told her First Class doesn't stop in New York."

 

[KoNickon]

That one is in the blonde joke genre, usually.

Here's one: A new psychiatric patient enters the doctor's office. The shrink asks what malady he'd like treatment for. The patient says, "I think I'm a dog."

The psychiatrist nods and says, "Well, fine, let's get started. Make yourself comfortable on the couch."

The patient says, "Oh, I'm not allowed on the couch."

 

[Richard G]

Behind every great man is a surprised woman.

 

[zuiko85]

nerd jokes
Heisenberg goes for a drive and gets pulled over by a cop, "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop, "No, but I know where I'm at", answers Heisenberg,

Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...and doesn't.

Remember, you're special, just like everyone else.

 

[peterm1]

That one is in the blonde joke genre, usually.

Here's one: A new psychiatric patient enters the doctor's office. The shrink asks what malady he'd like treatment for. The patient says, "I think I'm a dog."

The psychiatrist nods and says, "Well, fine, let's get started. Make yourself comfortable on the couch."

The patient says, "Oh, I'm not allowed on the couch."

Reminds me of the woman who goes to the doctor to complain "Doctor I have a problem, my husband thinks he is a chicken". The doctor says "This sounds serious, could you bring him in to see me as I may be able to treat him" The woman says "Doctor I cant, we need the eggs."

(God my joke was weak! But maybe not so weak as the one about the horse who walks into a bar. The Barkeeper says "Why such a long face?")

 

[zuiko85]

Groucho Marx quote
'Remember, a man's only as old as the woman he feels.'

 

[zuiko85]

If a centipede a pint, and a velocipede a quart....
Then how much would a precipice.

 

[Sid836]

“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

Terry Pratchett, Jingo

 

[peterm1]

“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”

Terry Pratchett, Jingo

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[johannielscom]

"Keep it clean"....



Nah, I need to pass then


😀 😀

 

[dmr]

Q: What's the difference between a professional web developer and a panhandler?

A: The panhandler has a steady-paying full-time job!

(Yeah, I could have made it more topical, but this is the version that's going around the office.) 🙂

 

[Sid836]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

🙂 Which reminds me, where the heck is that beer?

 

[Samuel D]

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.

 

[Bill Clark]

Funny stuff here. I like it!

I may re-join Humor Mill, a Toastmasters club that works on, you guessed it, humor! Funny thing, when I stand at the lectern, people start laughing. They give me too much credit for looking stupid. It gets confirmed when I start speaking! I got invited to their comedy night program in February.

Smlies and lots of fun!

 

[AlexBG]

Two snow men in a garden, one says to the other: 'Do you smell carrots?'

 

[Canyongazer]

Woman walks into the studio with a photo of her late husband.
"Can you copy this and make a larger print?"
"Sure can."
"And can you remove his hat in the new one?"
"You bet."

As the woman leaves the photographer says,
"Wait---on which side did he part his hair?"
"Left, but you'll see it when you remove his hat anyway."

 

[dmr]

A guy steps up to the bar and orders 10 shots. The bartender then pours them into glasses in front of him.

He takes the first and the last ones and pours them on the floor and then drinks the rest of them.

Bartender asks why in the world he did that.

"Well, the first one always tastes terrible and the last one always makes me sick!" 🙂