"It" is gone. How does one find it again?

[dave lackey]

Today, after 45 days in the hospital and rehab, my bride and I returned home alone. Finally able to take out my contact lenses, lose my street clothes and shoes, find a horizontal position and, yes, let my mind wander a bit. A lot of work is left to be done with life/death issues still looming, and surgery is to be scheduled soon so I am now entering a personal rehab myself to get in shape for the next 8 weeks. I need lots of walking, exercise, strengthening and such.

But while wandering through the lonely streets in my mind, I have not been able to pick up a camera and take a photograph, except for a single image in the dark one night with the lights out in the hospital room.

I have lost "it". "It" is gone.

I don't even know what "it" was/is. But whatever, not even the familiar M3 has the same bond as we had before. For that matter, my neighborhood whilst driving down the streets to our home are foreign. As is the inside of our home and all of the contents within. Everyone I meet, including family, seems somehow alien.

Does "it" reside in them as well?

So, how does one find "it" again? Or is this a life-change when "it" has left you for another? I do miss this thing that I have lost, this "it", but it pales in comparison to what else is at risk to lose.

Your thoughts are welcome as to what to do now that the thief has robbed me of what has been a wonderful relationship with "it" and everything in my life before.

 

[charjohncarter]

Dave, 'It' is not gone it is on the back burner. This last year I was in the hospital four times and it was not fun in between. I shot less in 2012 than I have in years. I have finally turned the corner and am getting back to normal. You will too.

You mention walking-exercise, I found it slow, but it is one thing that will eventually bounce you back. I put the camera on when I walk most of the time I didn't shoot, but now I almost find something to shoot.

 

[Particular]

Photography is by no means mandatory. It will still be there when you are ready for it. Trying too hard is not going to make you happy. It will also most likely not result in your best photography. You will know when it is back.

 

[literiter]

Some things are far more important than "it".

 

[Lawrence Sheperd]

Dave, it seems that momentous life changes have a way of focusing the Mind (with a capital "M".) I'm sure there is some neuro-biological explanation for this process, but it may be that we lose our tenuous grasp on the Ego, that which provides the illusion of solidarity and "Self"-ness. Add in a depressive component (such as I have) and the physical and mental exhaustion of the ordeal that your bride and yourself are experiencing and the world can take on a surreal appearance.

I don't think you've "lost" "it." "It" may be hiding, retreating, transforming, but probably not leaving. Give Mind a chance to process this new experience and you may find a new "it" at the other end, wherever that may be. And "it" may surprise you.

At our age, life becomes very personal...

All my positive thoughts for you and your bride.

 

[zauhar]

Dear Dave ,


From what I gathered of your life situation, you and your wife have just suffered a catastrophe. The fact that much of it was in slow-motion does not change the reality that you have been traumatized. Maybe also you are having to reckon with facts of life that no one wants to face (man, do I sympathize with that).

This risks sounding like a platitude, but I have to say it - you need some time to get back to reality . You have just been seized and taken to an alien land , long enough that your own home and family seem strange to you now. I think that with some time and healing you will recover at least a little normalcy .

Do not hesitate to talk to your doc about this, and don't be afraid to consider meds, at least as a temporary measure .

God bless you and your wife, and family.

Randy

 

[johannielscom]

Dear Dave,

Like you said, you 'need lots of walking, exercise, strengthening and such'.

Take your time. 'It' will come back to you. The light is coming out again, the days are lengthening and all of a sudden you will start to frame your daily sights again and will think 'now why did I not bring a camera with me today'.

Have confidence, my friend! Wishing you and Linda, your kids and their families a Happy New Year! from Holland.

 

[Murchu]

No greater killer to momentum or ones rhythm, than a stint (or a few stints) in hospital. Spent two weeks in hospital two different times this past year, and pretty much killed my momentum and passion for things I had before I went in, each time. It takes a while to get back your mojo, but like some things in life, you are better not looking for it directly, but instead just let it happen. I found focussing on letting passion in general back into my life, helped me find what I was looking for.

The best of luck with everything, and have no worry that once you have your health, all the other things and 'it' shall flow again 🙂

EDIT: by the way, still do not find I photograph much, or at all, but do find I am much more creative in other ways, and know I will find the same passion for photography again too.

 

[Steve Bellayr]

Are you familiar with Helmut Newton? When he went for surgery, etc. he photographed himself under the most difficult of circumstances. I went for surgery 2 years ago and thought about taking my camera but they were going to put me under sedation so that was not an option. I did take my cell phone w/camera. Minutes before surgery an earthquake struck. I grabbed my cell phone and photographed myself and the surrounding area. Look at your recuperation as an opportunity to document recovery. Even on bad days you will have something to give to the world. Good luck.

 

[Timmyjoe]

Hi Dave,

I don't know your situation, but I'll throw a couple of things out there and maybe one will be helpful.

Many years ago, when I was going through a certain angst about losing "it", a good artist friend of mine simply told me to stop working, grabbing, clawing for "it" so hard, she said, "'It' is in you, you don't need to try to hold it so tightly."

The other thing happened to me a year and a half ago. Was healthy as a horse the first fifty four years of my life and then WHAM, out of nowhere, I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that had already closed off one jugular vein and was well on it's way to ending me. And the chemo regimen to kill this particular cancer was one of the worst you can go through. Needless to say, it totaled me physically and mentally for about four months. I completely lost "it", but another artist friend, a photographer, encouraged me to shoot one picture a day, every day, throughout the whole ordeal. I had ABSOLUTELY no desire to do this, but I slogged through it, over 100 days. Many of the pics were complete garbage, but I kept going. Some days I cursed him for making me do this, and other days I thanked him. And when I finally came out on the other end of my sickness, after a number of months recovering, I had "it" back. Because "it" was inside me all the time, just hiding.

Sending you positive energy to make it through your ordeal. "One day at a time" helped me alot. Sometimes "One minute at a time". I wish you the same recovery that I found, and remember, "It" is still inside you, just hiding.

Best my friend,
-Tim

 

[Greyscale]

After 2 stays in the hospital myself this past summer, I also wondered if I had lost "it" (if I ever had it in the first place). Then one sunny morning, I grabbed an old camera and went for a walk, not really looking for anything specific, and shot the best roll of my life. "It" will come back, it is just a little shy at the moment.

 

[newsgrunt]

'It' has just been shuffled to the bottom of the deck. Whether it comes up top again is hard to say. The cards you have just been dealt are more important so for now, 'It' will stay near the bottom until you feel it's time to shuffle the deck again.

If for some reason 'It' has gone for good, something else will take it's place.

or you just need to decompress and breathe some fresh air and breathe deeply.

best wishes

 

[oftheherd]

What's to say. You have been through a very traumantic ordeal. Worse, you are not yet out of it. I know it's a platitude, but just keep slogging on through it. You will get through it if you don't give in. Of course that is an easy thing for me to say. But I believe it.

If you are saved you must know God is there for you. We don't always know why things happen, but we know he makes it easier to get through. If you have no religion that provides comfort, this might be a good time to seek a preacher for help and guidance. But only you know if that is something you can/want to do.

You and your bride are in my prayers. Obviously from what you have told us on several occasions, this has been very difficult for you. I would encourage you to keep a camera handy. I have gotten back to doing that. Whether film or digital, I have one for those times when "it" comes out of its slumber and won't be ignored. It happens more often for me now.

No matter, continue to hang tough. You will make it through this. Keep in touch with your family, both natural, and here on RFF. People are concerned about you and love you. I hope that is something that will help you. God bless you.

 

[paulfish4570]

dave, my friend, you really shouldn't make decisions like this when you are so bleeding tired. "it" is ok. it will be there when you are ready. your bride's health and yours are paramount right now. 🙂

 

[Bob Michaels]

Dave: I think one of the downsides to internet photo forums is that they create an overemphasis of the importance of photography to our total lives. We read about people who embark on those "photo a day" type projects and worry about becoming a slacker.

I find the desire to photograph comes and goes just like everything else in life. We must go with the flow of what our subconscious tells us.

So if you don't feel like photographing, don't do it. And don't sweat it. When one steps back and broadly analyzes the overall, photography is not one of our top priorities in life.

 

[Phil_F_NM]

Sometimes you just have to let go of "it" in order to find it again. Very Taoist, yes but you can't make yourself get back into photography without risking a resentment for the craft. If you were to do so, you may find that when you do start to come out and find inspiration, the forced photography may have trauma associated with it and wouldn't give you any reason to revisit photography as doing so might be to revisit the trauma.

My best friend Kate always tells me to "give it up to God" when I get down about photography or unemployment or any number of things that get me down. Sometimes you just have to step back and let yourself discover life as a whole again at a natural pace. You may find that "it" resides within another craft. For that, do not be sad at all. "It" isn't gear or process or what you see through an eyeball. It's your interpretation of the world and if you choose to do that through photography or sculpture or drawing or painting or writing or welding or wrenching on an old bike or car then that is the way "it" is going to be.

When I was in Iraq I learned in a trauma ward that sometimes I had to put down the camera and actually take part in life because it is hard. A severely bleeding Marine asked me to hold his hand while he was being worked on. That's more important than any photograph I made there. You have a hand to hold right now so there is nothing wrong with putting down your camera.

My very best wishes for you and your sweetheart.

Phil Forrest

 

[jammcat]

Art school killed my creativity.
I went to art school for two years. I was having some terrible things go on in my life at the same time and became horribly depressed, ate poorly, and had no energy. I I became weak and overweight and didn't want to draw, paint, or do anything creative. I dropped out and was in a funk for the next two years, really.

After quite some time and self determination, I picked up photography again and started to put my life together and get back into shape.

I enrolled in a new school, moved downtown, and started shooting again.

I took a self portrait a few months ago after a workout, resuming my fitness regimen, and losing 50 lbs:

I worked damned hard to get myself back together. The time away from art and school allowed me to mentally recover and focus on what was important. I feel healthy again, and am now inspired to photograph.

Take the time off to recover and find yourself. Only take out the camera again when it feels right. I thought that I had lost it, also, but really I had just lost touch with myself.

When you're well, you will create.

 

[willie_901]

Dave,

It is gone. Your message reveals you already know this. A new it will enventually evolve. Being in between the old an the new is disorienting. The uncertainty you face amplifies the loss of normality.

The thief is stress and change. Sometimes we get retribution against thieves, other times we don't.

I thank you for your post. What you wrote reminds all of your readers to appreciate and make the most of the it we now have.

I only know you through your writings here. I believe you will find a new it. No one can tell you everything will be fine. No one can understand what you have been through and the pain you feel from the theft of your it. What I can do is tell you I believe a new it will evolve. Your future may or or may not involve photography. But the future will arrive and no matter what, the future can not rob you of the gift of faith... the ability we all have to believe.

 

[Benjamin Marks]

I think you have gotten some good advice here. I think the part of your mind that needs sleep, quiet, real rest, good food and whatever else is just asserting itself and saying, "hey here are your priorities; deal with it." It is just like sleep deprivation, jet lag, loss of a friend: you need to rest until the world stops wobbling and you can take a deep breath. Photography, and this community, will still be there waiting for you when you right yourself.

Ben

 

[icebear]

Dave,
sometimes life throws other priorites at you and your loved ones.
These require full attention for a certain time and this experience is changing your perspective of things around you.
That's the reason why formerly well known and familar habits and people seem strange/different afterwards.

This of course also inlcudes taking pictures and seeing things. So it is pretty normal, although it might be scary at first.
You will need to get used to this new perspective, the shifted priorities and then "it" will be there again.
With a slightly changed point of view most likely but "it" will come back.
Give it some time, you can't rush "it". Have strengh and be positive.