"It" is gone. How does one find it again?

[robklurfield]

I couldn't agree more with what Paul says. Also, there's always time later for "it" to fly back into your life. Be in the now. "It" will take care of itself.

Meanwhile, my thoughts are with you both.

Some things are far more important than "it".

 

[astro8]

Dave, please be patient. "'It" will find you, when you are ready.

For now, rest, exercise, healing and being there for your wife.

 

[lynnb]

Dave, lots of good advice here, particularly Paul's.

After what you and Linda have been through - and are still dealing with - I would be surprised if you didn't feel this way.

Catch up on your sleep. Thoughts become disordered when you're overtired. If you have to make any very important decisions, and can't postpone them, at least get someone you trust to review them.

Be kind to yourself. 'It' is that part of you that looks at the world with curiosity and wonder and an inquisitive mind. 'It' hasn't gone, you've just been much too busy dealing with Linda's and your health to pay attention to it. 'It' will return when you're less preoccupied with the much more important matters on your plate at present.

Give it time, my friend. You worry too much. Understandably so.

Get some sleep!

my warmest regards,

 

[Roger Hicks]

Dave, lots of good advice here, particularly Paul's.

After what you and Linda have been through - and are still dealing with - I would be surprised if you didn't feel this way.

Catch up on your sleep. Thoughts become disordered when you're overtired. If you have to make any very important decisions, and can't postpone them, at least get someone you trust to review them.

Be kind to yourself. 'It' is that part of you that looks at the world with curiosity and wonder and an inquisitive mind. 'It' hasn't gone, you've just been much too busy dealing with Linda's and your health to pay attention to it. 'It' will return when you're less preoccupied with the much more important matters on your plate at present.

Give it time, my friend. You worry too much. Understandably so.

Get some sleep!

my warmest regards,

Exactly! You're suffering from exhaustion, depression... Well, yes, you would be. As much sleep as possible will be the best healer of all.

Lots of love to both you and Linda, Dave.

R.

 

[V-12]

Your thoughts are welcome as to what to do now that the thief has robbed me of what has been a wonderful relationship with "it" and everything in my life before.

I think you are right to be concerned about losing 'it'. 'It' stops you being rudderless, 'it' is something to work towards, 'it' elevates the mind, 'it' puts yourself and the world around into a coherent frame, 'it' is hope and recovery.

Begin a new story today. If you feel gloomy make a gloomy photograph, parcel up your gloom in a photograph. It's just a way of expressing yourself in a way only you may understand, but it's a start. So you've given yourself a job to do, the way an author writes so many words a day, now you need to organise your thoughts into a photograph, then another, and another. Having known people with depression re-discovering the world around them was the most important job in recovery, and the old chestnut of 'one step at a time' does work if you can find the first step to make.

But there is some good advice in other answers, so whatever you do I wish you good luck.

 

[Addy101]

"It" will return when the time is right. Concentrate on the important things and regain your strength!

 

[daveleo]

Dave,

Like everyone else in this world, my life was once completely unraveled, and it was never to be the same again. I lost everything that defined my life, except my physical health - not that that matter at all, because I suddenly did not exist any longer.

As many here have said above, you will recover and you will be renewed again. It just takes time and your willingness to let the healing take place and go forward and don't ever look back, don't ever ask "why me?" and don't ever feel sorry for yourself.

 

[Frontman]

A long-time interest of mine has been cars. Since I began driving at the age of 15, cars were one of my main interests. I took shop classes in high school, was a member of a car club, and spent a lot of time at a 1/4 mile track. I spent all of my extra money modifying my car, and I was quote proud of it.

I carried this interest with me when I enlisted in the Army, and I actually had a picture of my car in my wallet. But during training, something in me snapped, clicked, or something. It was the point in my life where I like to say I became a man. After that, everything looked different to me, nothing was the same. I sold my car, and my collections of books and magazines.

But in time, my interest returned to me. I understood the basic systems of cars; repairing/driving, and even washing them was something which was natural and comfortable to me. Getting my hands dirty was a way to focus my energy, attention, and intelligence. I often helped friends and neighbors solve problems they were having with their cars.

Nowadays I buy new cars, my wife wrinkles her nose at the thought of my buying an old or used car. But I enjoy performing the regular maintenance myself, and adding the occasional accessory.

Our likes and dislikes wax and wane, but they never really go away.

 

[Rob-F]

Dave,

It is gone. Your message reveals you already know this.

I would take that one with a grain of salt. After 25 years as a mental health counselor, I know that I can't see into the future, for myself or anyone else.

Just take it one day at a time, Dave. We'll see what tomorrow brings, and the one after that.

Rob

 

[Paulbe]

Hey Dave--glad Linda is progressing!
Maybe a spring shoot at Oakland will restore "it..."
Take care, Bro.
Paul

 

[Merumeni]

Dave,
something changed your perception and though everything continues to be exactly the same you perceive it differently.
The "it" you were never thinking about (you do not even know what it might be or have been) suddenly is "lost": now there is something unfamiliar even in familiar things (you may find some comfort in Plato's Allegory of the cave).
But sooner or later another "it" will appear: with a different point of view, adapted to your new normal world. You can be sure that your M3 will still be working.
I wish you good luck on that way!

 

[kshapero]

I couldn't agree more with what Paul says. Also, there's always time later for "it" to fly back into your life. Be in the now. "It" will take care of itself.

Meanwhile, my thoughts are with you both.

Super double ditto. Chill and heal.

 

[wilonstott]

Dave,

Sounds like you've been through a really rough stretch, man. I'm sorry.

I don't know what "it" is.

Maybe enjoyment, exhilaration, immersion, creation, catharsis--something like that.

I'm not sure. Something.

Anyway, you sound worn out. Like, beat-to-hell worn out.

Whenever I feel like that, I always lose insight--you know, I can't see past it; it seems like it won't end; I start living a-historically or something, but still not really living in the present. Sort of hard to explain. Moving, but stagnant. Zombie.

In a rut. That's it. In a rut.

Some ruts are worse than others.

Some are really bad.

But, then I get out of them, and its better.

So, here's what you do:

Keep going.

Do what needs to be done in your personal life.

Don't shut down. (this one is important)

Go forward even if things are uncertain, because the clock don't stop, man.

Carry your camera with you. If you don't use it, that's fine, but you've got it.

Alright, that's my piece.

Take care.

 

[hepcat]

Many who have responded have been through life-changing events, health challenges, or some other catastrophe that, in an instant, changes your life and how you view it. I've been there as well.

You never lose "it." You may lose your perspective. You may feel like hell and look worse. You may not have any motivation because what used to seem important is now trivial. Your skills are still there, just momentarily latent. Look to what IS important right now as inspiration. If you're up to making exposures, photograph what is important to you today. Record how you feel. Record what you think. If your street feels alien, capture that feeling. You will return to some semblance of normalcy one day, but you can't photograph "normal" if you can't see it... but you CAN document how you feel and how you see the world right now.

It's cathartic and as you work through why and how you photograph what you see, you'll ultimately feel more like... well... you.

I wish you the best on your journey, Shipmate. Fair winds and following seas.

Roger

 

[Damaso]

The desire to shoot will return when it does. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Spend your time walking and seeing and eventually you'll want to shoot again...

 

[dave lackey]

Thank you all for the responses. I just knew there would be folks here with great answers and I am not disappointed. 🙂

While I have a few minutes this afternoon, I thought I would share the only photograph I made during the darkest times and documented it in my moleskine personal journal which I have closed and retired just today. It is time to move forward.

My personal journal was started on Day 8, after the first week when things were more stabilized than ever before and we had what I call "a starting point" for rehabilitation and hope for the future. Still, there have been many dark days since. The journal was my way of documenting everything that went through my mind, no matter how dark, or how it would be read at a later date. I just had to get the emotions on paper and, one day, to retire the journal and throw it away. It helped me through the last 45 days and I am glad now that I kept a journal of our experiences. It has helped me in many ways.

So, whilst sitting up one night yet again, I entered the following into my journal and made the simple image of what I saw and felt at that moment:

December 1, 2012 (Day 11)

Piedmont Atlanta Hospital Room-The Vampire Returns

Well, it must officially be the holiday season. The first of December. I now loathe the very best time of year. The music, the decorations, shopping, and the crowds only make my sadness deeper. It cuts through to my very soul and leaves me feeling sad, alone, helpless and without hope. God, I hate this.

My bride slept okay through most of the night....She was awakened abut 4:30am which is about normal for hospitals as there is no way to get rest. I finally gave up trying to sleep in the chair and opened my eyes at 4:00am, studying the dark room with a sliver of light outlining the dark door. No one was in the hall. It was quiet. Until the inevitable vampire approached our room.

Imperceptible at first, I could now hear a swishing sound growing louder as the blood-suckiing little beast moved closer. I had time to think how different, yet similar, this encounter was compared to the books and movies that seem so popular these days. With hundreds of fangs at the ready, this creature homes into our room, swiftly and determined to collect precious life fluid from my love's frail body. Oddly, the creature uses only one fang.

The door opens and the ritual begins again. The pain is immense when I hear my bride shriek and cry as her skin is pierced. I am helpless, frozen in my position as an onlooker. This makes me extremely angry and agitated as I see her blood gush with the single fang's retreat. No fear crosses my mind, just private hatred for this vile action, as I perceived it.

Soon, the vampire leaves and my darling bride falls back on her pillow with a weak sound, more of a whimper than a vocal utterance. I wipe the sweat from her face and brush the hair from her brow while kissing her in an attempt to calm her anxiety. I hate this ritual. Yet, I know it is crucial for the doctors to care for her The resulting blood tests help save her life, as we have seen many times before. So, I can only allow her to experience more pain as the vampires seek her out each morning before sunrise.

It is an awful experience for anyone suffering and, oddly, as is her nature, when the fangs are put away, her blood has been collected, and the intruder begins to leave, she politely says "Thank you".

The door closes and silence falls around us once again.

 

[Roger Hicks]

That's a hell of a picture, Dave, And the word 'hell' has more meaning here than usual.

Love to you both,

R+F.

 

[isoterica]

"It" isn't gone Dave, it will come back when you are ready but for right now those walks sound wonderful and if you feel like dragging a camera along, go for it, if not, that's fine too. Re-acclimate yourself to the world around you. Try to get comfortable in your own skin again. Try to release the breath you've been holding. Exhale.

There are a lot of people here, myself included, who have been there in one way or another. We do understand, at least as well as anyone can understand not being you and all. Your journaling was a really good idea. Write it all down, purge yourself and then let it go. Photography can be cathartic for some people as well, if you aren't feeling it don't worry over it.

In the scheme of things, photography, the holiday.. etc.. is unimportant. What is most important is what you took home with you, your sweetheart. She is your home, not the alien looking abode you returned to. As you are giving her time, give yourself some too. Just being out of the hospital will help both of you.

My best to you...

 

[Godfrey]

Live in the present.

Whatever "it" is or was isn't at the present. Let that go.
You've been through trauma. Let that go.
You have more work to go through. Accept and let that go too.

If "it" is important to you, "it" will come to another present. Work towards rediscovering "it", but don't work too hard or concern yourself too much.

Other things need the present more, I suspect.

G

 

[jmcd]

Lots of good advice on this thread.

I was only 8 days in the hospital this summer, and I definitely nearly lost it—there was only vapor to cling to. I may not know just what it is, but I missed it when it was gone—something like an amnesia from a concussion. Mine came back with walking and learning to be nicer to myself. And trying to live in the moment.

Walk regularly, maybe several times a day, without overdoing. Walking is powerful.

Nap if you are tired.

I just finished my third month of chemo and I have three to go. Trying to live in the moment is essential.

You will be stronger and better.