DU,
Understand at times I’m not very diplomatic at all.
I can make people scared and use fear to intimidate people. No one likes to fight with a crazy.
At Brookhaven National Labs my boss in my performance review cited me as being like “a one man army of technicians.”
In my genes is almost a thousand years of feudalism. Remember that Canton was considered ungovernable for about 900 years while the rest of China was unified. Canton in mountainous and a natural fortress surrounded by a ring of mountains.
Then add in my family history of violence. I am the grandson of a murderer who was executed in China. My grandfather killed the loan shark who burned down his business (Grandfather was a merchant). My dad was the eldest son and was only 13 when he had the responsibility of taking care of his mother and 6 or 7 siblings.
Then here in the U.S. my dad shot a man as a result of jealous rage, and it is reported that he took him to the hospital. My dad spent some time in jail.
The concept of “Model Minority” is very far from true. I recognize my criminal past, my propensity for violence, brute force, and use of extortion and many other human behaviors that are of an animal fighting for survival.
I grew up knowing I could kill someone, and held great fear of taking a life. I was disturbed, crazy, and insane at times. I still have great potential for violence, and part of all this is just instinct. I am human, but also an animal.
This came up at that breakfast in Brattleboro with Melisa Newman, the middle daughter of Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, and Moon Unit Zappa.
Pretty much because of my past I became more human and a better man, but also know part of me knows evil and is evil. I think or try to frame my experience as becoming a “better-man,” but I am still human…
Don’t tell “Maggie” but at this literary event, my story and personal history came out because when my MFA came out into the open there was a lot of interest and explaining to do. Also it kinda turned into a bit of a performance where I was in the spotlight.
It became evident that I have an interesting and important story to tell, and people at that table did not really understand why I might not want to tell it. My story was shelved literally by the review board at the Hudson Review after the Editor, Paula Deitz, approved it for publication. Pretty much if published it would of changed my life, and I would have bypassed all the gate-keeping.
I remain very flattered that Ivan Karp, the art dealer and collector, took serious interest in my artwork.
But in the end, today, I’m actually mucho happy with the way things turned out. I am a happy old man who looks to have a secure retirement, who made something of himself from absolutely nothing, and I didn’t compromise or loose my creative integrity.
The other side I saw and experienced with Maggie. Fame, fortune, and being a celebrity is all BS. I saw how unhappy all of that made Maggie. Don’t get me wrong, the first 3-4 years of her being the Accidental Icon were fun, but then it became corrupt, commodified, and contaminated.
Proud that I understood who I am, had moral integrity even though I was perhaps 22, and that I did not waste my life on BS that has no value or meaning.
I can judge myself as “the better man.”
Anyways, I know I am no failure, I also know I have what it takes, but why bother?
There is an expression: “If you write, you are a writer.” I not so sure I go along with that, and it is kinda like saying anyone with a camera is a photographer.
Maggie openly has said many times that she is jealous of my MFA because it is a credential that legitimizes me as a serious writer. Then there are writers with MFA’s that will tell you to spend the money for a MFA traveling, doing research, or on other things.
I spent $45K-$50K on my MFA, and it consumed 2 years of my life. For me it involved processing lots of deep trauma, lots of crying and sadness to make myself whole again after being triggered by September 11th. For me it was like self institutionalizing myself for 2 years.
I figure in 2005 I graduated, but the student loans will be paid off in about 3 years when I’m 69.
I don’t know if I will ever go beyond what I write here. I’m kinda happy, and I want to move forward. I have nothing to prove, and why would I ever want to deal with the frustration or commodification that is BS?
Then again do I want my story to die with me? Should I let oppression win?
I do know that me as a writer is threatening and competitive with Maggie’s new identity. I do not want to cast any shade, even if the threat and competitiveness is one sided and is only a consequence. I have other pursuits that are more important, and out of love I can easily stand aside.
Anyways now is not the time…
Cal