NYC Journal

Fact is growing up here, even in New York, many times I have been told to go back from where I came from.

Nothing new here. Even before ICE, decades ago a ship ran aground called the “Golden Venture” and many Chinese illegal immigrants drowned.

Many times I have been mistaken as Hispanic or Latino…

There is a very long U.S. history where the Chinese were looked upon as the “enemy.”

Don’t forget the Chinese exclusion laws of 1885. Many lynchings have happened.

“Maggie” had a hard time justifying self-defense and using deadly force. I put a stop to that by asking her, “Would you rather visit my grave, or visit me in prison?”

History has not changed…

Also just last year I basically was indirectly told to go go back from where I came from, here in Peekskill. Surprisingly in Peekskill, a diverse city, by a Latino.

“Chinatown, Manhattan,” was uttered clearly for me to hear as he passed by.

There have been reported a few ICE raids in Peekskill. No joke. The children crying still haunts me.

The Constitution does not protect me… There is good reason to have the fitness and skills for self defense…

BTW before the term racial profiling came to be I had NYPD guns drawn on me where I could of been easily executed. It was in the early 70’s and The Rolling Stones had a hit called “Heart Breaker.” Every time I hear that song, I think of how that could of been me killed in a case of mistaken identity.

I have lots of experience with injustice, violence, racism and discrimination… No joke.

BTW I have this great fear of killing someone. This is an old fear, and one that persists. I know how easy it is to loose control, and all it takes is a moment of insanity to go too far. I still have this fear. I don’t think any white person could understand the conditioning and rage that is contained that could go off at anytime.

Also know I suffer PTSD, even though I never saw military combat.

I grew up conditioned to respond to violence. Now you know why fitness and strength have an exaggerated importance to me.

Cal
 
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Back when I was in undergrad, I had purchased my M8 through a student purchase program (maybe it was my M9) and I had it on me with a couple lenses all the time. I almost always carried my M4 as well. Sounds like weapons but I'm talking cameras. Anyway, one very late night after doing some work in the darkroom at school, I caught the last subway and arrived at City Hall station close to 1am. (SEPTA subways, elevated, and streetcars stop running not long after midnight and switch to an infrequent bus shuttle). So I was walking through the underground concourse and a guy experiencing psychosis asked me for money then threatened me. I started jogging through the concourse, weaving around the concrete stanchions. It got to the point where I was coming to a place where he was going to catch up to me just at the bottom of a stairwell, so I made up my mind that I would be the one who lived through this. I sped up to a full run and turned to defend myself when a large gentleman in a rain coat with a briefcase stepped between me and the psychotic man. I stood there and the man chasing me saw he was outnumbered. The guy with the briefcase had his hand on a holstered weapon and may have been undercover, I don't know. He said, "you're good" and I ran up the stairs. I walked all the way home then emailed two of my professors saying I needed the day off tomorrow. I had an emergency session with my therapist at the VA and said I knew I was going to kill that man. The Marines who taught us self defense taught us to be the ones who left the fight by fighting until the attacker was incapacitated or deceased. I hadn't felt that level of adrenaline, shame, guilt, rage, and possibly even blood lust since I had been in Iraq. At that time, I still hadn't processed the death of my friend Eric and the death of so many Marines and soldiers who I was on patrol or engineering projects with day in and day out. I had enough rage in me at that time that I would have been punching a pile of meat by the end and would have wound up incarcerated. It came down to that moment at the last stairwell at 18th Street and maybe half a second during which a stranger with a briefcase interceded for the better of both myself and my would be attacker.
Phil
 
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Calzone said:
Fact is growing up here, even in New York, many times I have been told to go back from where I came from.

Nothing new here. Even before ICE, decades ago a ship ran aground called the “Golden Venture” and many Chinese illegal immigrants drowned.

Many times I have been mistaken as Hispanic or Latino…

There is a very long U.S. history where the Chinese were looked upon as the “enemy.”

Don’t forget the Chinese exclusion laws of 1885. Many lynchings have happened.

“Maggie” had a hard time justifying self-defense and using deadly force. I put a stop to that by asking her, “Would you rather visit my grave, or visit me in prison?”

History has not changed…

Also just last year I basically was indirectly told to go go back from where I came from, here in Peekskill. Surprisingly in Peekskill, a diverse city, by a Latino.

“Chinatown, Manhattan,” was uttered clearly for me to hear as he passed by.

There have been reported a few ICE raids in Peekskill. No joke. The children crying still haunts me.

The Constitution does not protect me… There is good reason to have the fitness and skills for self defense…

BTW before the term racial profiling came to be I had NYPD guns drawn on me where I could of been easily executed. It was in the early 70’s and The Rolling Stones had a hit called “Heart Breaker.” Every time I hear that song, I think of how that could of been me killed in a case of mistaken identity.

I have lots of experience with injustice, violence, racism and discrimination… No joke.
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Things happened to my family in Jersey I won’t repeat here. Once a very well dressed man pulled a gun on me and because the barrel was three inches from my face I saw it was a 9mm. He said my kind wasn’t welcomed at his neighborhood. It wasn’t a robbery and I asked him why the gun is in my face. Two other guys dressed the same way stood and watched. Short hair, round rim glasses, bow tie, three piece suit, polished shoes. I read Autobiography of Malcolm X years later and thought ok so that’s it. I then watched the Denzel movie and recognized the attire,

Calzone said:
BTW I have this great fear of killing someone. This is an old fear, and one that persists. I know how easy
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I don’t like guns and if I had one then 3 junior high schoolers would have been in trouble for giving my dad a concussion. The cops thought it was funny.
 
Our friend Pete once compared me to Marky-Mark (Mark Warburg). This was because “Maggie” posted a shot of me coming down the stairs of the Baby-Victorian wearing tightly cut Patagonia rock climbing knickers and no shirt.

I pointed out that Warburg was first put on probation for a hate crime, and then later sentenced to prison for a second hate crime for beating a Vietnamese man.

Pete BTW is from Vietnam.

Then in the news Mark Warburg tried to have his record cleaned. The damage he performed maimed and hurt people for the rest of their life. I’m glad he was not forgiven. A black woman wears scars from being hit with rocks.

Mark Warburg is only 5’8” and even though I am older in a street fight I think it would be a good fight. Anger and rage are my super power.

More on this later.

Cal
 
Robert (ASA 32) had no intent on triggering me with his post I know.

Anger is a funny thing if unprocessed, it can lead to depression. I have grown into a reactive man, I am not passive, and in fact I am aggressive even in a scary manner.

Yesterday after being triggered I went in the yard and killed Knotweed. This is a physical task and I have been winning this war of attrition with this deeply rooted invasive plant. Because of the marsh, a brook and a frog pond we decided no herbicides, and I used cut-cut-cut and pull-pull-pull to make the Knotweed expend and over time deplete its stored energy to procreate.

In the later part of August is when flowering will happen, but our Knotweed will not be able to flower because of my diligence and persistence. I am rather severely weakened myself because of Cancer treatment, but my anger was directed and focused. It served a purpose, and when I mentioned it was a Super-Power I am not kidding. It is an infinite source of energy and focus, and the key here is to do good and not evil

Anger was focused to make me work harder; Anger toughened me and made me fit and strong; Anger made me smarter and more educated; Anger helped me escape poverty… Anger in my case is truely a Super-Power.

How many angry people do you know that are alcoholics or losers? I’ve met plenty…

So yesterday I focused my anger and did an ugly physical job that needed to get done, and it was timely.

*****************

Almost 3 decades ago I moved in with “Maggie,” we lived in a large row house in Greenpoint that had carpeted floors. There was a great danger because my startle response was a reflex to fight and attack: pure primal aggression.

Maggie quickly learned never to approach me from behind, and she would often announce herself to avoid me going into adrenaline mode.

“I’m coming into the room, please don’t kill me,” she would say.

I was in my mid to late thirties, and like a grenade that could explode at any moment.

After Greenpoint we lived in a loft nearly under the Williamsburg Bridge. The loft was open and had no carpet to muffle sound. It was a safer place for Maggie.

Our landlord was a thug, and when I told him we were moving out he made a point that there will be no problem with returning our security deposit. Evidently he had profiled me well, in fact he directly told me, “You are a scary guy.”

I use to go on long jogs with 3 pound heavy hands, and he knew that this was training for fighting.

****************

I want to tell a story about street justice. In Ray’s story above the police defended the perps. There is a fact that is learned that the law, police, or even Constitution will not protect you at times, and pretty much you are on your own to take a beating, or defend yourself.

My friend and Co-Worker Ray was a small black man from the Deep South who stood at 5’8”. Ray was in the Marines in the late 1950’s and don’t tell anyone but around 1962 or 1963 he was in Vietnam as a military advisor before we adledgedly were not involved in the war.

When Ray enlisted the Marines just prior had size restrictions that had been just recently rescinded. In boot camp he was the smallest Marine and he was given to job of being the heavy machine gunner.

In boot camp Ray had a problem with this white guy who was a super sized man. Ray had a big mouth, and he used it to defend himself. The big Marine threatened Ray and told him, “Just wait untill I catch you off base.”

So that day happened. Ray sat in a booth with a woman, and the big Marine came in and announced, “Enjoy your last meal, I’ll be waiting outside.”

After the monster left he asked the woman he was with to ask for the pepper shaker from the next booth.

Ray took the one shaker and emptied it into one pocket, and the other pepper shaker was emptied into the other front pocket.

He directed the woman to stand behind him when they left, and to stay behind him.

Upon leaving, the door behind him Ray stood on the landing. Point here is he stood on the high ground. This is a military tactic because it takes three times the amount of men to take a hill.

Ray stood there with his hands in his front pockets, when the big Marine got closer Ray pulled out his fists, but he stood on the landing holding his ground, and at the perfect time he threw the pepper into the attacker’s eyes effectively blinding him.

Ray started to give this bully a beating, but this man had bullied others, and before you know it others from the base joined in for the free beating of a racist.

Ray told me that this bully never made it back into boot camp. He likely was unfit for duty.

Another story is another different bully put Ray into a bear hug and was squeezing him like a pimple. Ray was ready to pop, His arms were immobilized by the hug, but Ray was able to grab the attacker’s bottom rib and he pulled until he snapped the guy’s rib.

“He stabbed me,” the attacker yelled out.

Anyways the moral here is you do what you have to do.

In a gang attack I know to use deadly force. I suggest for self defense one should learn target zones and where the kidneys and liver are located. Learn deadly moves.

*************

Last week I was drawn to online videos about air combat. Pretty much I was exhausted from side effects, and if I tried to practice guitar I would nod off. Since I need to keep a schedule guitar was no good.

My area of concentration was WWII. I dug into the planes, the missions, the battles and the tactics.

The Japanese Zero was a very lightweight plane that was very agile and maneuverable. In a head to head dog fight early in the war it was unbeatable.

American planes initially had armor, but were poor climbers and were not good in handling. One of the things that the Americans learned was not to dogfight a Zero one on one. A tactic used by Americans was a two plane weave where the Zero had to pick one plane to attack, then the second American plane would be the aggressor.

Until superior planes were developed, Americans had to rely on courage, balls, and tactics.

Also there were many-many remarkable stories of against the odds bravery. True heroism…

I did not understand why I was so obsessed with dogfighting. Pretty akin to street fighting because fights are brief with one winner and one loser.

*****************

So yesterday while killing Knotweed I wondered how to make sense of all this oppression, hardship and violence…

Then I remember the breakfast last year in Brattleboro Vermont in an Inn with one of Paul Newman’s and Joanne Woodworth’s daughters and Moon Unit Zappa. This was at the Brattleboro Book Festival.

Somehow “Maggie” mentioned my MFA in Creative Writing, and that opened up a can of worms. I spoke of how 911 triggered me and how unresolved grief compelled me to process what happened to me as a result of a decade in Foster Care.

Somehow in conversation I framed my trauma that involved child abuse as having made me more alive and more human with a greater capacity for understanding. Point is I did not loose my humanity.

*****************

I admire what Phil did greatly. He did not loose his humanity, he remained human.

What scares me is I know I can very easily become an animal and loose my humanity. It is easy for me to justify killing. This is what scares me. I have the reflex to kill and maime.

Cal
 
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Only 16 more radiation treatments.

Today I stayed away from the laxatives. It was a multi-poop day.

I think this weekend we will go to an art book fair in Kingston. A few weekends ago we went to the Woodstock Center for Photography that relocated to Kingston. I is very much like the old ICP that was in mid-town Madhattan.

Formally Kingston was the Capitol of New York, untill the British captured Kingston during the Revolutionary War.

Word is the almost 3 year old grandson adores his 4 month old cousin in Austin. Lots of love from the 11 year old granddaughter. Eventually a likely relocation for this Texan family to New York.

Last night watched a video about this woman A-10 Warthog pilot in Afghanistan. There was a call from a SEAL Team that needed immediate close ground support that was under heavy fire. The location of the 12 SEALS was in the bottom of a narrow canyon with vertical walls.

This pilot banked her A-10 and kinda defied protocols. Other pilots were told to stand down. The SEAL commander passed a message to say goodbye, “Tell our families we went down fighting.”

This woman pilot grew up out west, and her father was a crop duster. She dropped altitude and the canyon walls narrowed to 60 feet in places, and know that an A-10 has a 30 foot wingspan. Pretty much this pilot was doing something that militarily cannot be done, threading a needle, flying low for a surprise attack.

Pretty much a miracle was performed and 12 SEALS who were considered ghosts came out alive to fight another day.

The A-10 suffered damage to it wings and undercarriage from hitting trees and scrapping canyon walls. The ground Chief implemented repairs but only told the woman pilot about the damage. The repairs and reinforcements were disguised as just repair maintenance.

There is a second part of this story where a few days or a week later 8 SEALS were trapped at Tora Bora. They performed a successful mission, but their helicopter got shot down. Pretty much they were trapped in a narrow canyon that was even narrower.

The first run the 30mm Cannon was used, and then the second run used guided missiles that the Seals used lasers to illuminate the targets, then the third run for 30mm canon to stop an eminent attack.

Then the video ends. You don’t know if the pilot or the SEALS survived. Seems as if a section was deleted because it was became classified.

I think likely the A-10 and pilot were lost. A rescue of the 8 SEALS was underway, but the battle for me the viewer was incomplete and not over.

I don’t think it had a happy ending like the first canyon rescue.

Cal
 
Only 15 more radiation treatments left.

Word is out on a 39% tariff on gold bars. This heavily weighs on the Swiss economy..

Ever hold in your hand a 1 kilo gold bar? The size of 2.2 pounds of gold is about the size of a large chocolate candy bar, and holding that amount of wealth in your hand is a powerful experience. When I experience having a 1-kilo bar of gold in my hand the bar was worth $30K.

That’s about $123.2K today using $3.5K as a spot price.

My junior gold miner operates U.S. domestic mines and is the 9th largest silver producer in the world. Silver is an industrial metal and a byproduct of gold mining. Another byproduct is copper another industrial metal.

Pretty sure this gold tariff will boost the value on my junior gold miner significantly. Years ago I had the wisdom to buy this gold miner to avoid “nationalization” meaning confiscation of property by governments that are a serious risk. A funny twist is tariffs.

There is a 50% tariff on copper imports too.

Initially I bought this stock as “insurance” against inflation, but in the headlines there is a voicing about stagflation.

So my insurance is escalating in value, meanwhile gold made a new higher-high well above $3.5K. I kinda expect $4K gold next, but how soon?

So on one hand I’m happy-happy, but on the other inflation and stagflation translates into a pretty big drop in wealth. I’m lucky I have “insurance.” Preservation of wealth involves gold and real estate because they are not paper assets, they are “hard” assets because they are tangable.

The 20-20-20-20-20 portfolio by Jared Dillion is a way to avoid risk by diversification, and to prevent dreaded drawdowns. 20% is real estate, another is gold and commodities. The remaining three percentages, all 20%, are stocks, bonds and cash.

An EZ-PZ portfolio to self manage, periodic rebalancing is all that is needed. Not the most exaggerated gains, but a safe play.

The kids will return from Austin Saturday. Will likely see them Sunday.

Cal
 
Calzone said:
After Greenpoint we lived in a loft nearly under the Williamsburg Bridge. The loft was open and had no carpet to muffle sound. It was a safer place for Maggie.
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I remember when we passed by and how it was still visible in 2015; they were building a lot around from LIC down to Brooklyn so through Google Maps I see since 2017 there is a behemoth building in front; Heck even Court Square dinner has been cornered with some building using the precious real estate on the side.
Recall also your story about finding bullet shells in the front door curb.

Also recall the story of Ray but forgot the details. Pure brute force does not always work unless it has smarts
Calzone said:
My area of concentration was WWII. I dug into the planes, the missions, the battles and the tactics.

Also there were many-many remarkable stories of against the odds bravery. True heroism…

I did not understand why I was so obsessed with dogfighting. Pretty akin to street fighting because fights are brief with one winner and one loser.
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On spring I got to read some Pacific theater stories. I do have some family that was involved and will remember how they said "your great uncle will be buried with great honors for having been a WWII lieutenant", well, not because of Covid sadly.

As a kid used to have this aviation WWII game and it was very interesting to participate in the battles.

With quite some geographical romanticism and a bit of post war Americancultural appropiation, I had a similar appreciation lately. BTW mucho Hawaii everywhere in the 50s and the "adoption" as a state did a lot.

Particularly read James Michener's Tales of the South Pacific, and saw the creatively adapted movie. Linked as it is available uploaded in Youtube:
 
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Second quarter results is the reason why the jump is stock price.

It seems only today a new increase has taken hold of the junior miner because of the gold tariffs.

Cocked and locked for a vertical move. I expect a “breakout” of sorts.

Wealthy people buying gold for protection is being slowed down by government policy. In a way a price control. Know that history shows that eventually price controls never really work because eventually they fail.

Cal
 
Robert,

I know you are my friend and had no evil intent.

Some good came out that were ugly and evil stories. These stories and experiences are not only difficult to tell, but also are difficult to process. Understand we re-experience the events profoundly, some wounds never heal…

Racism and other traumas shape who we are.

Also the response to these experiences defines our humanity.

“Maggie” was a Social Worker for most of her life, then she became a professor. Her brothers only recently thought about the risks and dangers of me traveling Route 17 heading south to visit them in North Carolina.

Her brother Rob is a highly skilled landscaper who was established in Cape Cod, and though even retired he worked part time as a manager. The workers were immigrants, and another white manager took him aside and spoke unkindly of how nice he treated the men in his crew.

I did not feel threatened, but I kinda knew by some I was not welcomed. Economic class makes me either tolerated or for passing for white.

How-Weird, my old boss, spoke of not getting service in a restaurant in of all places Key-West. He mentioned sitting for over a half hour at a table.

Anyways we are kinda scarred and scared emotionally.

Cal
 
Last night’s A-10 stories I think were AI generated. Pretty much the same formula: Afghanistan; Navy SEALS in eminent danger; a challenge of a difficult narrow canyon as a deadly obstical; and a rogue female pilot risking Court Marshall risking her career to save American lives. All the pilots were women.

I used the video as an aid to keep me awake while I practiced guitar. Point is that it took a while for me to realize that AI was at work.

BTW “Maggie’s” book got AI’ed.

An update is that my intense study of Diatonic Harmony is a way to develop my own style, voice and expression. I got some reinforcement from Nick V, a Nashville session guy. Pretty much he was pitching marketing his course, but I was on this path doing this discovery on my own.

I have become the teacher and the student at this point, but there is no shortcut for internalizing all the keys and relationships. These have to be mastered. I’m not there yet, and this is hard work.

Cal
 
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In 5 days my junior miner went up nearly 32% (31.98%). I say that is a pretty great jump. So I have to edit myself, it was not just a good day, but also a good week.

The strong gains in gold prices that are expected support further gains for my junior miner.

Also the fact that they are the 9th largest silver producer in the world is a bit conflated. That was in 2012, and no other mention of that standing has been repeated. It is time specific. They are/were a junior miner that hit a large milestone in 2012 that seems to be perhaps a one-shot.

U.S. government policy, started with the Biden admin. Continues with the Trump admin. Both support building out smelters to have domestic capacity for processing metals here in the U.S. Lots of government support and gifts of money to build out infrastructure.

Anyways for me Kaa-Ching…

Understand that silver and copper, two important industrial metals, are byproducts of gold mining. Copper is supported by a 50% tariff.

As these tariffs advance in effect, I expect more gains…

Kaa-Ching…

My study suggests with the modest gain today, after setting a new Intra-Day high, that the price inflation of gold was put on hold by the T.A.C.O trade. Initial announcement/release was made, but will the tariff become real?

A rapid fire T.A.C.O. Effect took place today is my analysis. In other words this tariff might not be real yet.

As a sidebar, the Swiss could join the E.U. And then get the benefit of only a 15% tariff. Don’t know if this makes sense economically or politically, but certainly this would be a game changer. Also know that it was said by a Swiss official that if they don’t buy the F-35 fighter from the U.S. they basically won’t have an Air Force.

Canada canceled their F-35 orders. Know that the F-35 is the most expensive fighter jet in the world. Our allies are looking elsewhere for military equipment. There is talk of India canceling U.S. defense equipment orders in retaliation for new tariffs that punish them for importing mucho Russian oil.

Know that Russian oil sales to India and China are critical to Russia to support their war economy and the War in the Ukraine.

The BRIC’s (Brazil, Russia, India, and China) are forming an alliance and trading among themselves bypassing and compromising U.S. Dollar dominance. U.S. tariffs have made the BRIC’s an economic entity that is mucho bad for the U.S. They are now have a common enemy: the U.S.

Expect China to load up the truck with food from Brazil. Certainly U.S. farmers will loose business.

Meanwhile negotiations with our largest trading partner, Mexico, is still ongoing. Mexican tariffs are not real yet and are still just threats. Can you spell T.A.C.O? Lots of our food supply is imported from Mexico…

Pretty much they trade/barter outside of world trade and using the U.S. Dollar. This weakens the U.S. Dollar as both a safe haven and as a reserve currency. A weak dollar favors high gold prices.

One reporter on NPR summed it up: America First means America Alone.

Cal
 
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I talked with Regina, my Editor from the Peekskill Herald. The Herald has gotten some notoriety and elevation from it’s reporting. Because of my Cancer I am no longer an active shooter/photographer for this local newspaper that is published only online.

We went to an event tonight held at the “Regeneration Farm” which is a short walk from City Hall. A black woman made part of a public park a vegetable garden for the community. Serviced by volunteers and kinda self service for the community. Tonight was a free dinner and entertainment, the food came from the garden.

Peekskill is a small diverse city of 25K, it is debatable if the majority of the population is white or Latino. I say if a tie likely Latino because we are an immigrant community and some Latinos, likely illegal, are not counted.

I saw Regina, the Mayor, and Cozi, an Afrocentric older man who is a percussionist (talking drum) who profiled me as a musician and tried to recruit me to form a band. “I was just minding my own business.”

This was a very cool event, ethnically diverse, families and kids, and a group of performers that included a group of dancers from Brooklyn.

I made a joke that our neighbors, Snoopy and JJ, would feel just so out of place and it would be awkward and uncomfortable for them. It was a mucho evil thought, not only funny, but also true.

I kinda pitched to Regina featuring my Cancer as a story for the Herald. As you know it is ongoing, and my thinking is that it would be a public service and also would be a great thank you to our local hospital for the great care I received. Anyways my editor will get back to me.

Know and understand that I was a news journalist (TV Broadcast News) and I have a Master’s degree in TV Broadcast Journalism and screenwriting. Also I worked for New York Columbia Presbyterian indirectly, and was paid by Sloan-Kettering the Cancer hospital.

I have a technical background that can dig in deep to provide depth, so even though I won’t be writing this article, it likely will likely reveal some profound insights that are a kind of repeat of my journalism here.

Anyways a creative idea…

The dinner and sense of community I felt tonight can be expressed in the word “Unity.” It was a wonderful evening. I learned that Kozi is a percussionist with soul and depth, and the drum did do the talking. He is a man I admire, and he inspired me. Tonight’s event somehow captured something beautiful, a projection of love and understanding that again was about unity.

No JJ’s or Snoopy’s present. Some of the vibe of 1969 in Woodstock. Tonight made me feel at home, gave me great pride, and demonstrated that we live in a great city. Lots of beauty…

Cal
 
Everybody, many thanks for the love and support.

I looked through this journal last night, over 300 pages, not all Cancer related. Somewhere around page 148 I had a MRI, and that was June 2024.

I read a post from January 3, 2025 that presented someone so distressed that I kinda cried for no reason, just overwhelmed by emotions. It resonated because that kinda persists.

Just wanted to let everyone to know that I have a support group here.

Again many thanks…

Cal
 
The book fair was fun and I learned a bit. Had a good day.

Tomorrow likely will see the kids. They landed back already.

Our niece, husband and 4 month old baby I suspect will be relocating to New York. In the fall after radiation treatment is done we will likely head down to Austin to see the newborn.

Cal
 
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