Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

[Shac]

To an optimist, the glass is half full.
To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

[Shac]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.

 

[Bill Clark]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

 

[Bill Clark]

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”


I called an old school friend and asked what he was doing. He replied that he is working on “Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium & steel under a constrained environment”. I was impressed......
On further inquiry it transpired that he was washing dishes with hot water
.......under his wife’s supervision!!!!

 

[Bill Clark]

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket..
At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Move! You're standing on my oxygen hose!"



A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right."



Young people have theirs. Now Seniors have their own texting codes:
1. * ATD - At the Doctor's
2. * BFF - Best Friends Funeral
3. * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
4. * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
5. * CUATDC - See You at the Day Centre
6. * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
7. * GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
8. * LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
9. * TOT - Texting on Toilet
10. * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* HTH - Hope these help.

 

[Doug]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: ’Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
———————————————————————————————

 

[pagpow]

Now this is a worthy companion to the one about the treatment of your two cows under different political systems.

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

... Etc ...

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
———————————————————————————————

 

[Bill Clark]

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys,were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole",said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six
inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"
Ray and Bob are still working for the Government

 

[Bill Clark]

Three priests are talking.
“I’ve tried everything,” says the first priest. “I still can’t get rid of our rats.”
“Same here!” says the second priest. “We’ve tried poison, traps, and noise. Nothing works.”
“We don’t have that problem,” says the third priest. “We baptised and confirmed them all, and now they just show up at Easter and Christmas.”

 

[Bill Clark]

Two employees are talking. One of them asks the other, "How long have you been working here?" The other one replies, "Since they threatened to fire me."

 

[Bill Clark]

Q: What's the most musical part of a turkey?
A: The drumstick.

 

[Bill Clark]

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Bill thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Bill, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Bill groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Bill grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed me a mirror.

 

[Bill Clark]

This is quite interesting. It’s about being happy:

http://www3.forbes.com/leadership/1...eople&utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=referral

 

[sreed2006]

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.

 

[Bill Clark]

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Q: How do you spot a modern spider?
A: He doesn't have a web, he has a website!

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

 

[Bill Clark]

Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired

Mrs O’Toole said: “I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O’Leary I would never repeat it”

 

[Bill Clark]

"Every master was once a disaster. They only become masters of their trade and honed skills because they never stopped practising despite all the challenges, failures and roadblocks. They learned from mistakes, they got back up, they persevered." - Peng Joon

 

[ruby.monkey]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Build a man a fire and you'll warm him for a day.
Set a man on fire and you'll warm him for the rest of his life.

 

[mgrinnan]

Q: How much fun does a priest have?
A: Nun!

 

[Bill Clark]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Confucius says: "It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you