Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

Q: Why did the hipster burn her mouth on the pizza?

A: Because she ate it before it was cool.




I'm here all week!
 
A guy down on his luck is looking for odd jobs so he knocks on someones door. "Anything I can do for you for a few bucks?"
"Sure, you can paint the porch for me"
An hour later he's finished;
"All done, but just wanted to let you know your car is a BMW not a Porsche"
 
During his physical, a doctor asked his patient about his daily activity level.

The man said, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees."

Impressed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"Outdoorsman nothing," replied the man, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
 
Very old and very dated.


Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks. Upon seeing the tracks the first blonde says look bear tracks. The second blonde says no silly those are deer tracks. The third blonde then says no you're both wrong those are rabbit tracks.... Then the train hit them.
 
Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries.
I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, ‘What’s the Wifi password?’
Bartender: 'You need to buy a drink first.'
Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'
Bartender: 'We have Molson’s Canadian on tap'
Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'
Bartender: '$8.00.'
Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the Wifi password?'
Bartender: ‘youneedtobuyadrinkfirst’...No spaces and all lowercase.'


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples....'


A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiac surgeon in his garage. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiac surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $400,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiac surgeon paused, leant over and whispered to the mechanic.....
Try doing it with the engine running."


Explaining politics –
I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."
He said, "No."
I told him, "She is Bill Gates' daughter."
He said, "Yes."
I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill gates said, "No."
I told bill gates, "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill gates said, "OK."
I called the president of the World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, "No."
I told him, "My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law."
He said, "OK."
And that's exactly how politics works.
And thus, began the practice of hiring dumb people to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
 
Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick: What if one explodes before we get there?
Paddy: “We’ll lie and say we only found two.


An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote, and he kept switching back and forth between the fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally cried, "For God's sake! Just leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"
 
A harp walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We can't serve you, you're too small."
The harp says, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
 
Notice came to St Peter at the Pearly Gates that the Devil and his mob had challenged Heaven in a football match.

St Peter was quickly on the phone to accept. “By the way,” he told Satan, “You haven’t much of a chance, all the best footballers are up here.”

“Maybe,” said Satan, “but we’ve got all the officials down here.”
 
A horse walks into a bar, orders a drink and the barman asks ... "Why the long face?"
 
What was Hitler's favourite food?


Reich pudding.


What was Hitler's favourite type of weather?

Heilstone.


Did you know that in 1930 Hitler visited Britain. He played a round of Golf but gave up at the 5th hole.

He couldn't get out of the Bunker.
 
A guy walks out of the shopping mall to his car parked in the lot.

He notices a huge new dent in the rear fender and a note stuck under the wiper.

He reads the note ...

"Dear Sir or Madam,
I'm sorry, but I just ran into your car causing the damage you notice.
There are people gawking at me as I akwardly write this note to you.
They think I am giving you my name and insurance information.
They are wrong, sorry.
Have a nice day!"
 
A journalist photographer was caught out in a rain shower when he saw a dark gloomy house. While he was drying off in the house he heard scary sounds and saw a ghost coming towards him. He grabbed his camera to take pictures. The ghost asked him what he was doing, he said “I just want to take your picture for the newspaper.” The ghost was glad for the exposure and posed for the photographer. When his film was all done he thanked the ghost and rushed to his office to get the film developed. When he saw the results he was terribly disappointed that they all came out black – they were all underexposed.The moral of the story is: The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.


A photographer took a self portrait in a park.
Due to lighting conditions he used the built in flash on the camera.
He quickly got arrested for flashing and exposing himself in the park.

Photographers are weird. They spend all their life chasing light only to waste it in a darkroom.
 
Q: What did the earthquake say to the volcano?
A: It's not my fault.

Q: How do you make a strawberry shake?
A: Put it in the freezer!

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. The counselor asked, "Please describe your two loves."
"Well, one is a great poet."
"And the other?"
"The other makes delicious pancakes."
"I see. So, you can't decide whether to marry for batter or for verse."
 
He came home in a state of utter despair and sat with his head in his hands. “I have just been sacked,” he told his wife.
“After 40 years of doing the same job week after week I have been replaced by an electronic gadget about the size of a flashlight,” he lamented. “What’s more it can do everything I can do, and do it better and never wear out,” he moaned.
But nobody was listening. She had gone out to buy one.


Eight kids were too many and the cost of rising prices was getting Fred down. He told his wife if they had any more kids he would go out of his mind with worry.
A week later his wife announced that she was pregnant.
“That’s the end,” lamented Fred. He opened the drawer beneath his desk and pulled out a revolver and held it to his head.
“Stop,” cried his wife. “You’ll be killing an innocent man.”


A man running a little behind schedule arrives at the cinema, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie.
It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.
After the movie, the man approaches the dog's owner, "Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!"
"Yes, I can't believe it myself," came the reply. "He hated the book."
 
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