Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself."
 
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.
"Where's Henry?"
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?"
"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry."
 
60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years
being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes? or did she say No?
He couldn't remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No?
"Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
 
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”

“No,” says the vet, “because he’s really heavy.”






:D
Rob
 
Since I cook quite a few meals at home, I called my wife, who was at work, asking her what she would like for dinner.

She said, "let's go out tonight and give the smoke detectors a rest!"
 
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer

One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "No."
 
A northern couple were driving through rural Florida when they stopped at a service station to fill up. Also filling up was a local farmer who had a huge mound of something in the back of his truck.

"What's that in your truck?"
"Manure."
"Whadaya use that for?"
"We spread it on the fruit."
"Hmmm, strange, back home we use whipped cream!"
 
A young Hen was at Chicken school and She went to see the Careers advisor, and she said:

"I don't want to do the same work as all the other girls, I want to be different. I want to do something no-one would expect of me."

The Careers advisor thought for a few moments and said:

"Something no-one would expect ,eh? Hmmm, How about being a Bricklayer?"

The young Hen said:

"Feck* off! Have you seen the size of those things?"




*=The non-swear word of Irish origin, so it is still 'clean'.
 
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
 
There was a young lady from Kent
Whose nose was most awfully bent
She followed her nose
One day I suppose
And nobody knows where she went
 
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
 
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