Thanks, Lynn; some of those look pretty familiar... 
Bill Clark
Veteran
The late Steve Jobs responding to criticism:
Criticizer: "Based on mistakes you've made, you obviously don't know what you're talking about."
Jobs's response, with appropriate pauses inserted:
"You're right. I've made mistakes and have the scar tissue to prove it. Mistakes will be made. That's good because it shows we're making decisions along the way. We will find the mistakes and fix them."
Thanks for pointing me to this Roger. Toastmasters all the way!
Criticizer: "Based on mistakes you've made, you obviously don't know what you're talking about."
Jobs's response, with appropriate pauses inserted:
"You're right. I've made mistakes and have the scar tissue to prove it. Mistakes will be made. That's good because it shows we're making decisions along the way. We will find the mistakes and fix them."
Thanks for pointing me to this Roger. Toastmasters all the way!
NOT a blonde joke...
I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's an idiot) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss would think I was stressed and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my idiot co-worker followed me,
The Boss asked him, ‘And where do you think you're going?'
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's an idiot) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the boss would think I was stressed and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.
When my idiot co-worker followed me,
The Boss asked him, ‘And where do you think you're going?'
He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
dmr
Registered Abuser
He: I've got a joke to tell you but I'm afraid it's too gross.
She: I'm a big girl, I can take it.
He: Uh, I dunno, this is really too gross for words.
She: C'mon, I won't hold it against you.
He: I dunno ...
She: Just say it. Go4it.
He: Okay, 288
She: I'm a big girl, I can take it.
He: Uh, I dunno, this is really too gross for words.
She: C'mon, I won't hold it against you.
He: I dunno ...
She: Just say it. Go4it.
He: Okay, 288
Pherdinand
the snow must go on
Thats funny indeed but guess what, when i was a lil boy i poured shampoo on my dry hair coz the box said it is for dry hair! Didnt feel right.
Bill Clark
Veteran
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Rob-F
Likes Leicas
That has almost got to be a Stephen Wright joke!
Bill Clark
Veteran
TEN SIGNS OF AGING
1. Memory loss
2. Ahhh...I forget the rest....
1. Memory loss
2. Ahhh...I forget the rest....
Bill Clark
Veteran
"99% of politicans give the rest a bad name!"
sreed2006
Well-known
So a doctor calls his patient to give the results of his tests. Doc: I have some bad news and some really bad news. Patient: What's the bad news? Doc: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What's the really bad news? Doc: I was supposed to call you yesterday.
Bill Clark
Veteran
My bed is a magical place where I can suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do today.
Bill Clark
Veteran
After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "what does that mean?"
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down ....
He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks, "what does that mean?"
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down ....
dmr
Registered Abuser
Don't miss out! One per customer!
Don't miss out! One per customer!
This one is making the rounds today at work. Some are actually falling for it!
Don't miss out! One per customer!
This one is making the rounds today at work. Some are actually falling for it!
Bill Clark
Veteran
Cell phones these days are getting thinner and smarter....people the opposite !!
Bill Clark
Veteran
A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads. The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
"Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate" the arm says.
The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem... Your arm is broke!"
---
During the training class, the skydiving instructor would take time to answer any first-timer questions.
One guy asked: “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve chute doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?”
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”
----
The boss joined a group of his workers in the company break room and told a joke he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Dewey.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Dewey, the boss said, "What's the matter, Dewey? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."
----
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers. "Give me five beers" he says.
"Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate" the arm says.
The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem... Your arm is broke!"
---
During the training class, the skydiving instructor would take time to answer any first-timer questions.
One guy asked: “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve chute doesn’t open, how long do we have till we hit the ground?”
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: “The rest of your life.”
----
The boss joined a group of his workers in the company break room and told a joke he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Dewey.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Dewey, the boss said, "What's the matter, Dewey? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."
----
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers. "Give me five beers" he says.
Bill Clark
Veteran
I went to the liquor store Thursday afternoon on my bicycle, bought two bottles of wine and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottles would break.
So I drank all the wine before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle four times on the way home.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottles would break.
So I drank all the wine before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle four times on the way home.
Bill Clark
Veteran
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied:
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . ..
Then Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied:
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . ..
Then Father O'Malley then replied:
"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
Bill Clark
Veteran
My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked.
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."
pepeguitarra
Well-known
This is an engineering joke!
This is an engineering joke!
My native town is 500 years old and most of the downtown buildings are two-story. I went to the engineering school of the local university, which is located in the tallest building, a two story building. In general, when people wanted to commit suicide they would jump from a building. In our city, they have to jump several times. At the end, they die by fatigue.
This is an engineering joke!
My native town is 500 years old and most of the downtown buildings are two-story. I went to the engineering school of the local university, which is located in the tallest building, a two story building. In general, when people wanted to commit suicide they would jump from a building. In our city, they have to jump several times. At the end, they die by fatigue.
Rob-F
Likes Leicas
I don't like general stores. You can't buy anything specific.