Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

[dmr]

At the Mexican-American border, a guy drives up on a motorcycle with two huge saddlebags filled with sand.

The officer thought it looked suspicious so he sent him for screening. They dumped out all of the sand, sifted through it, found nothing, and sent him on his way.

A few days later the same guy drives up, again with two huge saddlebags filled with sand. This time they dump it all out, run drug and explosives tests on the sand, find nothing, and eventually send him on his way.

Rinse-repeat a few times. 🙂

They finally get very suspicious and call in the FBI for more of an in-depth investigation.

Next time (yeah, saddlebags, sand) the FBI goon takes the guy into the back room with the bright lights and all of that.

"Okay, Mac. We know you're smuggling something! Make things easy on yourself. Tell us what you're smuggling!"

"Uh, nothing, officer, really ..."

This goes on for a few hours ... Eventually ...

"Fess up, Mac., we can be here all night! What are you smuggling?"

"Ok, officer, you got me ..."

"Yeah, what is it you're smuggling?'

"Leather saddlebags!"

{rimshot!} 🙂

 

[pagpow]

Wanna hear a joke about sodium?

Na.

How about a joke about sodium hypobromide?

NaBro.

Now, this needs a bit of love. I like it.

 

[charjohncarter]

A career waiter dies: he headstone reads, 'God finally caught my eye.'

 

[madNbad]

Two software engineers are driving to a conference when the car suddenly stops running. As they sit by the side of the road one says to the other, "Maybe if we get out then get back in, it'll start!"

 

[sepiareverb]

Now, this needs a bit of love. I like it.

Aw, thanks. I actually laughed when I heard it.

 

[peterm1]

I read the other day that 97.63% of people do not like being thought of as just a statistic.

 

[peterm1]

That's not the only one I know:

There was a young man of Nepal
Who went to a fancy dress party.
He decided to risk it
And went as a biscuit
But they hung up his skin in the vestibule

Or for another kind

There was an old man of Japan
Who, when asked why his rhymes wouldn't scan,
Replied, "Well, you see,
The trouble with me
Is that I always try to put as many words in the last line as ever I possibly can."

There's also one where I don't recall the third and fourth lines:

Consider the hosts without no.
Who are slain by the deadly cuco.
++++++
++++++
Results in a permanent slo.

Cheers,

R.

I recall hearing this non rhyming limerick years ago and it has always stuck in my mind - whimsical I guess.

There was a young man from Melbourne
Who got hit on his head by a wombat
When asked if it hurt
He replied "Not at all"
"He can do it again if he likes".

 

[Pfreddee]

A young man went to sea, as some young men do, and found that the life of a seafaring man suited him. He applied himself and rose through the ranks to become a ship's captain, highly respected by all who knew him for his knowledge and skill. He had one oddity: every morning, he would open a safe in his cabin, get out a small book, read an entry, put the book back and go about the day's work. He never showed the book to anyone. He unhappily passed away while sailing and was buried at sea, as per his wish. The first thing after the funeral, the ship's officers forced the safe and got out the little book and opened it for all to read. There was a single entry:

"Port is left, starboard is right."

With best regards,

Pfreddee(Stephen)

 

[peterm1]

A young man went to sea, as some young men do, and found that the life of a seafaring man suited him. He applied himself and rose through the ranks to become a ship's captain, highly respected by all who knew him for his knowledge and skill. He had one oddity: every morning, he would open a safe in his cabin, get out a small book, read an entry, put the book back and go about the day's work. He never showed the book to anyone. He unhappily passed away while sailing and was buried at sea, as per his wish. The first thing after the funeral, the ship's officers forced the safe and got out the little book and opened it for all to read. There was a single entry:

"Port is left, starboard is right."

With best regards,

Pfreddee(Stephen)

Depends whether the Captain is facing forwards or towards the stern of the ship. I for one would have gotten confused. 🙂

 

[Shac]

Things that go bump in the night
Shouldn't really give one a fright.
It's the holes in each ear that let in the fear.
That and the absence of light.
(Spike Milligan)

 

[Pfreddee]

There was a young woman from Wight,
Who traveled much faster than light.
She departed one day
In the usual way
And arrived on the previous night.

The limerick's furtive and mean.
You must keep her in close quarantine.
Or she's off to the slums,
Where she promptly becomes,
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.

With best regards,

Pfreddee(Stephen)

 

[jpressman]

What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

 

[dmr]

"I tried on a blonde wig once. ...

I couldn't do math for a month!" 🙂

-- attributed to Rita Rudner

 

[dof]

The past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

 

[lynnb]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

[Mr_Flibble]

Is that the one that begins, "What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup," and goes on, "Any fool can mash potatoes"?

Cheers,

R.

Yes, basically the same joke.





I think my pet crocodile is an amateur photographer. He’s a bit of a snapper.
*rimshot*
*tumbleweeds*

 

[Mr_Flibble]

Two software engineers are driving to a conference when the car suddenly stops running. As they sit by the side of the road one says to the other, "Maybe if we get out then get back in, it'll start!"

"Have you tried closing all the windows and starting again?" 😀

 

[mynikonf2]

Here is an attempt at "keepin it clean"...

Then there's the time a bear and a rabbit were discussing the problem of fecal matter sticking to their fur, the rabbit proudly stated that he had never had that issue, at which point the bear promptly picked up the rabbit and wiped his offending end of the matter.

Of course we're speaking of the non-political version of this joke.

 

[radi(c)al_cam]

A balloon full of young men has lost its bearings in the thick fog. Suddenly the fog rips open, and the balloon drivers see beneath themselves a lonely walker in an oldfashioned hunting suit on a plateau. One of the men in the balloon shapes his hands to a funnel and calls down: «Hey, farmguy! Where are we here?» The stroller looks up and answers: «In a balloon, 30 meters above my family's private property.» —*«You must be a lawyer! Your response was prompt, completely correct, and still useless.» — «Indeed? Then, you guys there must be MBAs, aren't you?» — «That's right, how do you know?» —*«That's really easy. You a) produce a lot of hot air, you b) completely lost orientation and c) when you do not know anything anymore, you ask a jurist for advice.»

 

[Bill Clark]

Funny!

I was thinking this thread got lost in the digital fog!