CMur12
Veteran
Phil, I was a social worker for 30 years. That can be depressing all by itself, but you are on the front lines of a pandemic, processing the suffering of many other people. Hopefully, with vaccines coming, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have dealt with depression, on and off, for many years. One thing I finally learned was not to evaluate my life while I'm depressed.
Don't abandon your photography and art equipment yet, as this isn't the time to make that decision. You have reason to feel down, but things should get better and you and your clients will then feel better, too.
Hang in there! I feel with you and for you.
- Murray
I have dealt with depression, on and off, for many years. One thing I finally learned was not to evaluate my life while I'm depressed.
Don't abandon your photography and art equipment yet, as this isn't the time to make that decision. You have reason to feel down, but things should get better and you and your clients will then feel better, too.
Hang in there! I feel with you and for you.
- Murray
Dante_Stella
Rex canum cattorumque
Phil -
I am not a qualified psychotherapist, but I understand where you are coming from. This lockdown has gone from inconvenient to endless. I don't see it as a government intrusion (incompetence is another question...). If there is something out there killing 3,000 people a day, I'm not playing. I have too many older relatives. In my state (Michigan), even the people who talk a big talk are mostly falling in line. But the most demoralizing thing is watching people screwing around and making this go longer than it needs to. I feel like a lot of our fellow Americans failed the Marshmallow Test. I'm irritated that they are prolonging this because they can't imagine a non huggy-huggy Thanksgiving.
At the beginning, a lot of things that seemed like priorities stopped being priorities. It actually wasn't bad reading bad Michael Crichton novels weeknights on the patio. Or Robin Cook (more on this on the Machine Planet site shortly). Then I got to a million stupid home repair projects. Scanning and filing papers properly. Bottled 48 bottles of 90-proof hootch. I'm all caught up!
But as the north-central winter sets in, everyone in my family is climbing the walls. Our kids are having a tough time of this. Probably tougher spending so much time around their parents. The only consolation was moving from a high-rise to the ground a few years ago, where at least there is enough space to avoid violence when Legos start to fly. But we just attack it one day at a time. There is always a goal, however small. For example, tonight I plan not to food-poison my family with my cooking.
As to photography, I resolved the ennui this way: there is going to be another project.
First, I found all of my extra prints. If they were of friends, I packaged them up and mailed them out. To tell the truth, I should have done that when I took them... up to 20 years ago. I even did that with contact sheets (which I don't use anymore). I kept one copy of each fiber print in one of many unused Itoya books I found in a box. I can't wait for the angry communications from friends who get packages of prints that include some with their "starter spouses."
Second, I took a bunch of finished work that I found in the basement and gave it to friends on the condition that they give something to charity. I broke my promise not to buy any more materials to finish any un-matted items, but with the help of a Logan 714, I'm now not sitting on anything. What wasn't suitable for this I just pitched. I'll make more.
Third, I figured out what the next photographic tool would be (here, a 15mm shift). I'll sell whatever old stuff is necessary to afford it. When you have that impulse to get rid of stuff, buy the new thing first. It's totally ok to clear old things to clear your mind and force yourself to try something new. I think I have cycled - albeit rapidly - through a lot of exotica. It's not that you need a fisheye or a Lomo or whatever. It's that it forces you to approach photography in a novel way. It's a new problem to solve.
Finally, I ordered 30 rolls of black and white film. This is possibly my single greatest act of defiance. Screw you, COVID-19. I know I already have 140 rolls of film waiting, but twenty-twenty-one is going to be a hella sunny year.
Hang in there!
Dante
I am not a qualified psychotherapist, but I understand where you are coming from. This lockdown has gone from inconvenient to endless. I don't see it as a government intrusion (incompetence is another question...). If there is something out there killing 3,000 people a day, I'm not playing. I have too many older relatives. In my state (Michigan), even the people who talk a big talk are mostly falling in line. But the most demoralizing thing is watching people screwing around and making this go longer than it needs to. I feel like a lot of our fellow Americans failed the Marshmallow Test. I'm irritated that they are prolonging this because they can't imagine a non huggy-huggy Thanksgiving.
At the beginning, a lot of things that seemed like priorities stopped being priorities. It actually wasn't bad reading bad Michael Crichton novels weeknights on the patio. Or Robin Cook (more on this on the Machine Planet site shortly). Then I got to a million stupid home repair projects. Scanning and filing papers properly. Bottled 48 bottles of 90-proof hootch. I'm all caught up!
But as the north-central winter sets in, everyone in my family is climbing the walls. Our kids are having a tough time of this. Probably tougher spending so much time around their parents. The only consolation was moving from a high-rise to the ground a few years ago, where at least there is enough space to avoid violence when Legos start to fly. But we just attack it one day at a time. There is always a goal, however small. For example, tonight I plan not to food-poison my family with my cooking.
As to photography, I resolved the ennui this way: there is going to be another project.
First, I found all of my extra prints. If they were of friends, I packaged them up and mailed them out. To tell the truth, I should have done that when I took them... up to 20 years ago. I even did that with contact sheets (which I don't use anymore). I kept one copy of each fiber print in one of many unused Itoya books I found in a box. I can't wait for the angry communications from friends who get packages of prints that include some with their "starter spouses."
Second, I took a bunch of finished work that I found in the basement and gave it to friends on the condition that they give something to charity. I broke my promise not to buy any more materials to finish any un-matted items, but with the help of a Logan 714, I'm now not sitting on anything. What wasn't suitable for this I just pitched. I'll make more.
Third, I figured out what the next photographic tool would be (here, a 15mm shift). I'll sell whatever old stuff is necessary to afford it. When you have that impulse to get rid of stuff, buy the new thing first. It's totally ok to clear old things to clear your mind and force yourself to try something new. I think I have cycled - albeit rapidly - through a lot of exotica. It's not that you need a fisheye or a Lomo or whatever. It's that it forces you to approach photography in a novel way. It's a new problem to solve.
Finally, I ordered 30 rolls of black and white film. This is possibly my single greatest act of defiance. Screw you, COVID-19. I know I already have 140 rolls of film waiting, but twenty-twenty-one is going to be a hella sunny year.
Hang in there!
Dante
Emile de Leon
Well-known
Hey..time to grow up..like we all are doing..not cry about it..and deal..
Sorry I'm not sympathetic...
As you are the guy who just a few months ago..loudly and proudly said here on the forum..there was no pandemic...nothing at all to worry about..it will just ..disappear..
And made sure to castigate me about saying Covid-19 was coming on strong asap..and proceed to say that you were an expert in the health field....and it was just like Sars a few years ago..so nothing to worry about..
Well now...300K dead..
Lesson learned..
You picked your profession..I dont envy you on the front lines..
You guys and gals are heroes though..that certainly is true.
Stay safe..
Its gonna get rougher..
If there was anytime to pick up a camera and document..its now..
Sorry I'm not sympathetic...
As you are the guy who just a few months ago..loudly and proudly said here on the forum..there was no pandemic...nothing at all to worry about..it will just ..disappear..
And made sure to castigate me about saying Covid-19 was coming on strong asap..and proceed to say that you were an expert in the health field....and it was just like Sars a few years ago..so nothing to worry about..
Well now...300K dead..
Lesson learned..
You picked your profession..I dont envy you on the front lines..
You guys and gals are heroes though..that certainly is true.
Stay safe..
Its gonna get rougher..
If there was anytime to pick up a camera and document..its now..
Phil_F_NM
Camera hacker
Easy there, shipmate. First off, learn to use a period.
Back when this began, I was NOT a person who said it would go away, but I also said that measured response was necessary and not panic, doom and gloom. I never claimed to be an expert in epidemiology. I never said there was no pandemic, but if you want to be pedantic, I'm sure there will be re-visitation to that thread and phrases will be taken out of context. You had stated that the sky was falling, in a nutshell. I disagreed.
I still stand behind what I said then. The fact that I'm experiencing depression and reached out to this community, then received your response, just shows me that some folks need to be referred somewhere else and I simply can't work with them. That said, it doesn't mean they don't deserve treatment. I hope you and yours are well, and that you find some peace in order to not feel so vindictive.
As a matter of fact, your post drew a line. I'm done for now. You showed me what is out there among the decent, and it's just ugly. I'm not having any of this BS.
Phil Forrest
This tough guy approach to mental health is very outdated.
jarski
Veteran
Consider sleeping a lot a gift. Insomnia is really a hell.
lynnb
Veteran
When you're feeling low naysayers can have a disproportionate impact Phil. In stressful times like this some people forget the edit/review process before pressing the publish button, before thinking through the impact on someone who's feeling low. That's unfortunate, and a reflection of these difficult times.
Remember there's a lot of decent people here who enjoy your company and your photographs.
The advice to get outside and do some exercise is sound. Do it if you can, every day. I'm sure you already know this but when we're feeling low it's easy to let things slide.
Hang in there Phil, things will get better and you won't always feel like this. Reach out to others by PM, facetime or zoom. Talk to a friend regularly. PM me if you want to chat.
Take care.
PS Totally understand if you need to take a break and have some personal space for a while. Looking forward to seeing your photos and posts when you feel up to it.
Remember there's a lot of decent people here who enjoy your company and your photographs.
The advice to get outside and do some exercise is sound. Do it if you can, every day. I'm sure you already know this but when we're feeling low it's easy to let things slide.
Hang in there Phil, things will get better and you won't always feel like this. Reach out to others by PM, facetime or zoom. Talk to a friend regularly. PM me if you want to chat.
Take care.
PS Totally understand if you need to take a break and have some personal space for a while. Looking forward to seeing your photos and posts when you feel up to it.
KenR
Well-known
Congratulations on the degree. Sorry that your pain has immobilized you. During some difficult periods in my life photography has helped me push through. Getting out with a camera and my trusted four footed companion was therapeutic for me. Developing the film and then planning how the negs should be printed kept me looking towards the future.
Be strong, stay safe.
Be strong, stay safe.
paulfish4570
Veteran
phil, i will lift you in prayer ...
Phil- force yourself to do a project, anything to take time and get you through the worst of this. The end is in sight, there is light at the end of the Tunnel. So go photograph it, or go through past projects and organize, or write some papers on subjects of interest. Force yourself to persevere.
In our family- I feel bad for my Daughter in her early 20s, in college, having to do everything remotely and missing out on the interaction with others in the class. I suspect the others that would be in class miss it too.
If we have jobs that can be worked at home, and we're getting paid for it: we need to help out others in restaurants, stores, and small business. Be thankful that you get a paycheck, and put it to use for those that have their income decimated by this.
In our family- I feel bad for my Daughter in her early 20s, in college, having to do everything remotely and missing out on the interaction with others in the class. I suspect the others that would be in class miss it too.
If we have jobs that can be worked at home, and we're getting paid for it: we need to help out others in restaurants, stores, and small business. Be thankful that you get a paycheck, and put it to use for those that have their income decimated by this.
ktmrider
Well-known
It's called life! And even 2020 is better than the alternative. It sucks being 68 as there are things I cannot do that I could do 20 years ago but it sure as hell beats being dead, which is the alternative!
It’s not called “life” when people don’t want to do the things they normally enjoy and want to sleep all day instead. It’s called being clinically depressed.
huddy
Well-known
Phil,
I'm glad that you posted and know that the tough guy approach to mental health isn't healthy. Hang in there. You've worked hard to get to where you are and there are brighter days to be had ahead. Do everything you can to get out of doors and get fresh air and sunshine, doing whatever tasks that can be done in a way that avoids the stifling feeling of the situation. Go on walks/hikes, start a written correspondence to a family member, friend, colleague and walk it to a mail drop box (if that is practical, I don't know if you dwell in the city or country). Eat as much real food as you can; doesn't have to local, organic, pasture raised, etc. but certainly if you find yourself wanting more high quality produce, I'd certainly look to see if there are any local farmers that you could trade labor on a part time basis for a time to get it. They're struggling too and that's a great chance for human interaction in a less dangerous environment (from a respiratory infection POV). The better fed and Vitamin D'd you are, the better you will feel.
Photography projects will come and go. Take some time away from new work if you need to. Review old work and consider alternate ways of editing it. Consider new methods to display work/catalog work for exhibition. Explore different books if you have any available at local libraries. Or even pick something seemingly mundane and close to home and watch how it changes with the light and just study it. I find that the best way to see is to actually observe and savor the little things in the world around me.
I've dealt with depression on several occasions this year and have worked through it and I can empathize for you. I have friends and family who are undergoing extreme mental duress from heavy handed actions and have lost their livelihood or lost the memory of their loved ones.
To those who address every bit of suffering/pain by saying: 'but COVID sickness/death/etc.!', please remember that these actions tip other scales in terms of individual and collective health and that we're going to witness immense loss of life years due to missed preventative medical care and deaths of depression. COVID is real and I'm acutely aware of the pain it's causing, but it isn't the only thing. Do the best you can to keep your health optimized with real food, good activity levels, and fresh air in your domicile. Your whole body and immune system will thank you and you'll be helping others around you by being healthier and less likely to spread sickness of any kind beating more if it when you encounter it.
If you ever need someone to talk to at length or just need to blow off some steam, always feel free to shoot me a PM. I can be slow to reply to messages sometimes, but I've definitely lived the depression at times this year and understand the darkness that we can find ourselves in.
I'm glad that you posted and know that the tough guy approach to mental health isn't healthy. Hang in there. You've worked hard to get to where you are and there are brighter days to be had ahead. Do everything you can to get out of doors and get fresh air and sunshine, doing whatever tasks that can be done in a way that avoids the stifling feeling of the situation. Go on walks/hikes, start a written correspondence to a family member, friend, colleague and walk it to a mail drop box (if that is practical, I don't know if you dwell in the city or country). Eat as much real food as you can; doesn't have to local, organic, pasture raised, etc. but certainly if you find yourself wanting more high quality produce, I'd certainly look to see if there are any local farmers that you could trade labor on a part time basis for a time to get it. They're struggling too and that's a great chance for human interaction in a less dangerous environment (from a respiratory infection POV). The better fed and Vitamin D'd you are, the better you will feel.
Photography projects will come and go. Take some time away from new work if you need to. Review old work and consider alternate ways of editing it. Consider new methods to display work/catalog work for exhibition. Explore different books if you have any available at local libraries. Or even pick something seemingly mundane and close to home and watch how it changes with the light and just study it. I find that the best way to see is to actually observe and savor the little things in the world around me.
I've dealt with depression on several occasions this year and have worked through it and I can empathize for you. I have friends and family who are undergoing extreme mental duress from heavy handed actions and have lost their livelihood or lost the memory of their loved ones.
To those who address every bit of suffering/pain by saying: 'but COVID sickness/death/etc.!', please remember that these actions tip other scales in terms of individual and collective health and that we're going to witness immense loss of life years due to missed preventative medical care and deaths of depression. COVID is real and I'm acutely aware of the pain it's causing, but it isn't the only thing. Do the best you can to keep your health optimized with real food, good activity levels, and fresh air in your domicile. Your whole body and immune system will thank you and you'll be helping others around you by being healthier and less likely to spread sickness of any kind beating more if it when you encounter it.
If you ever need someone to talk to at length or just need to blow off some steam, always feel free to shoot me a PM. I can be slow to reply to messages sometimes, but I've definitely lived the depression at times this year and understand the darkness that we can find ourselves in.
ktmrider
Well-known
I still think being "depressed" is better than being six feet under!
d.dulin
Established
I can empathize with you entirely. I admire those who have been mentally unaffected and look forward to things straightening out sooner or later.
Benjamin Marks
Veteran
Phil: I want you to consider that your reaction to the current conditions is a thoroughly rational response to a very, very trying situation. It has been just a terrible year, for anyone who has been paying attention. So first, give yourself permission to feel badly about it. I think the recent news about vaccines should give us all some hope. In the words of Winston Churchill after D-Day: "Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning." If you can muster it, I think regular exercise can help -- at least it has helped me in the past. Listen, I am not a mental health professional and can't offer anything other than a sympathetic ear. But I think it is good that you reached out to the RFF community. It shows good sense to reach out when you feel the need. As you can see from the thread above, there are plenty of folks who value the contributions you have made here and who will look forward to your next post.
PM me if you want to "talk" offline.
PM me if you want to "talk" offline.
fdarnell
Well-known
RFF Postcard #12
RFF Postcard #12
Please PM me your mailing address and I'll be glad to add you to my mailing list for the RFF Postcard #12.
Getting these cards in the mail is always a joy and has helped remove some of the "2020 cloud" so to speak.
You might find some sparks of creativity in there, but I know you see the larger community's joy in photography.
RFF Postcard #12
Please PM me your mailing address and I'll be glad to add you to my mailing list for the RFF Postcard #12.
Getting these cards in the mail is always a joy and has helped remove some of the "2020 cloud" so to speak.
You might find some sparks of creativity in there, but I know you see the larger community's joy in photography.
jarski
Veteran
Now is actually unique time todo photo projects and such. Times like these happen once in a century!
Richard G
Veteran
Grabbed this on the way to work one day in middle of trouble. Really was desperate to shoot something. The ten minutes mucking around near this building, totally absorbed, cheered me up for the whole day.
L2010886.jpg by Richard, on Flickr
L2010886.jpg by Richard, on Flickr
Hari
Well-known
I've been having horrible nightmares since the virurs.
It's a joy to wake up and feel it's all illusion.
It's a joy to wake up and feel it's all illusion.