Phil_F_NM
Camera hacker
The title of the thread sums it up, I suppose.
This began on March 17th of this year. I was at my clinical internship at a local physical rehabilitation hospital; this being the last few months of my graduate studies to become a mental health professional, I was looking forward to completing my thesis as well as a culminating project.
That day, I was working with patients who were just beginning to feel the isolation that the pandemic was about to bring to the whole world. Patients who suffered some of the worst traumas a person could survive, and were now working to adapt their ability to move forward in life. The hospital had placed a temporary hold on visitors in order to prevent COVID-19 infection, so these patients were utterly alone, save for us clinical staff. Some of my patients that day were dealing with very fresh trauma, they were crying, holding my hand, saying they hadn't seen their relatives in over a week. I had no idea the world was in for such a long haul of isolation.
I was given about half an hour to say goodbye to all on my caseload, actually running around the hospital, desperate to give each patient a few minutes for a counseling process that I usually worked with each over the course of several weeks. That was difficult, but I didn't know how difficult it was until weeks later, when speaking to a professor and classmates in an online session. Every one of my colleagues had a similar experience, simply cut off, lacking any closure.
The rest of my graduate education felt the exact same way.
I feel like I "phoned in" my thesis, like the feeling of a decent television show that has had a mid-season cancellation. I think I have maybe thirty more pages of content I should add, but my program director said it was "good enough." I've always hated "good enough," and my work throughout life has always had me believing that "good enough" was just another phrase for personal failure and below average. My culminating project, which was a demonstration of a process in my thesis was a little better but having to be done completely remotely, with no participation from any of my former patients, I still feel like I don't deserve my Masters Degree.
Which brings me to the title of this thread.
I could probably sell or give away all of my photography and art related gear and not even care at this point. I know I'm depressed; I'm isolated, I have no creative outlet and I have no desire to do anything other than eat occasionally and sleep too much. Meanwhile, I have a caseload of nearly forty clients at my current job, many experiencing the same problems that I am, and I give them support, coping skills and occasionally advice which I simply don't adhere to myself.
My graduate thesis and culminating project were exciting, bringing photographic techniques in to rehabilitation of survivors of stroke, TBI, and spinal cord injury. I felt as if I was really adding something valuable to the world and to a field that I believe or believed in. Nowadays, I don't care at all about photography. I look at old photos of mine and have good memories. I look at beautiful photos I see here on RFF as well as other places in the media and I am wistful that a life I've lived in creativity is gone and I don't know how to get some semblance of it back.
I feel like I'm just treading water right now, drifting with a slow current a couple thousand miles northeast of New Zeeland. Nothing but the sea and gentle waves moving me a few feet here and there in the near-equatorial doldrums.
Phil Forrest
This began on March 17th of this year. I was at my clinical internship at a local physical rehabilitation hospital; this being the last few months of my graduate studies to become a mental health professional, I was looking forward to completing my thesis as well as a culminating project.
That day, I was working with patients who were just beginning to feel the isolation that the pandemic was about to bring to the whole world. Patients who suffered some of the worst traumas a person could survive, and were now working to adapt their ability to move forward in life. The hospital had placed a temporary hold on visitors in order to prevent COVID-19 infection, so these patients were utterly alone, save for us clinical staff. Some of my patients that day were dealing with very fresh trauma, they were crying, holding my hand, saying they hadn't seen their relatives in over a week. I had no idea the world was in for such a long haul of isolation.
I was given about half an hour to say goodbye to all on my caseload, actually running around the hospital, desperate to give each patient a few minutes for a counseling process that I usually worked with each over the course of several weeks. That was difficult, but I didn't know how difficult it was until weeks later, when speaking to a professor and classmates in an online session. Every one of my colleagues had a similar experience, simply cut off, lacking any closure.
The rest of my graduate education felt the exact same way.
I feel like I "phoned in" my thesis, like the feeling of a decent television show that has had a mid-season cancellation. I think I have maybe thirty more pages of content I should add, but my program director said it was "good enough." I've always hated "good enough," and my work throughout life has always had me believing that "good enough" was just another phrase for personal failure and below average. My culminating project, which was a demonstration of a process in my thesis was a little better but having to be done completely remotely, with no participation from any of my former patients, I still feel like I don't deserve my Masters Degree.
Which brings me to the title of this thread.
I could probably sell or give away all of my photography and art related gear and not even care at this point. I know I'm depressed; I'm isolated, I have no creative outlet and I have no desire to do anything other than eat occasionally and sleep too much. Meanwhile, I have a caseload of nearly forty clients at my current job, many experiencing the same problems that I am, and I give them support, coping skills and occasionally advice which I simply don't adhere to myself.
My graduate thesis and culminating project were exciting, bringing photographic techniques in to rehabilitation of survivors of stroke, TBI, and spinal cord injury. I felt as if I was really adding something valuable to the world and to a field that I believe or believed in. Nowadays, I don't care at all about photography. I look at old photos of mine and have good memories. I look at beautiful photos I see here on RFF as well as other places in the media and I am wistful that a life I've lived in creativity is gone and I don't know how to get some semblance of it back.
I feel like I'm just treading water right now, drifting with a slow current a couple thousand miles northeast of New Zeeland. Nothing but the sea and gentle waves moving me a few feet here and there in the near-equatorial doldrums.
Phil Forrest
I won't post how I truly feel about the governmental mandates and control re: COVID.
The world has gone mad.
Congratulations on your thesis, even if you think it was incomplete. It's still a major accomplishment.
I moved to the country. There is wildlife and beauty. 8600 miles cycling so far this year keeps my body healthy and gives solace to my brain. When I go back into town, it brings all the negativity back, the errand is finished and the escape is quick.
All I can say is 'hang in there, it'll get better.' It's not much, but all I can offer.
The world has gone mad.
Congratulations on your thesis, even if you think it was incomplete. It's still a major accomplishment.
I moved to the country. There is wildlife and beauty. 8600 miles cycling so far this year keeps my body healthy and gives solace to my brain. When I go back into town, it brings all the negativity back, the errand is finished and the escape is quick.
All I can say is 'hang in there, it'll get better.' It's not much, but all I can offer.
Andy Kibber
Well-known
This is heartbreaking to read, Phil.
As a mental health professional I'm sure you're aware of the importance of routine, physical activity, seeking help, etc.
You have been through an incredibly difficult period. I can only encourage you, like others, to hang in there, get help from others and look for anything, no matter how small, to motivate you to keep going.
As a mental health professional I'm sure you're aware of the importance of routine, physical activity, seeking help, etc.
You have been through an incredibly difficult period. I can only encourage you, like others, to hang in there, get help from others and look for anything, no matter how small, to motivate you to keep going.
zuiko85
Veteran
So sorry for your loss, and it is a loss, every bit as painful as the death of a loved one. Cannot fully relate, I’m old and somewhat enjoy just puttering in the shop, so that isolation has not been that painful. But all around me, my friends... Even though trying to keep up on Zoom, still, there is pain in their faces.
lynnb
Veteran
Take care of yourself, Phil.
Things will get better.
It may take a bit of time but it will happen.
Warm regards,
Things will get better.
It may take a bit of time but it will happen.
Warm regards,
james.liam
Well-known
Soon, this too shall pass.
As of this past Tuesday, and because of 'Operation Warp Speed', vaccines are being administered and by Summer, hopefully enough people will leap at the chance to be vaccinated and herd immunity will prevail.
Whether putatively 'democratic' governments will loosen their new-found sweeping powers to restrict movement is another story...
As of this past Tuesday, and because of 'Operation Warp Speed', vaccines are being administered and by Summer, hopefully enough people will leap at the chance to be vaccinated and herd immunity will prevail.
Whether putatively 'democratic' governments will loosen their new-found sweeping powers to restrict movement is another story...
Timmyjoe
Veteran
Hey Phil, I feel where you're coming from. All I can offer is to hang in there, as bleak as it feels sometimes, this is temporary. It will get better.
In the meantime, don't add pressure to yourself to feel the need to do something creative (like making images). That will come back as things get better.
Sending some positive energy your way.
Best,
-Tim
PS: One other thing Phil, try to get outside. Even for a short bit. I'm doing my best to get outside as much as possible, to walk to the store, to walk to the mail box, to walk the dog. Anything to get out and breath some fresh air. It has helped me, and maybe it can help you.
In the meantime, don't add pressure to yourself to feel the need to do something creative (like making images). That will come back as things get better.
Sending some positive energy your way.
Best,
-Tim
PS: One other thing Phil, try to get outside. Even for a short bit. I'm doing my best to get outside as much as possible, to walk to the store, to walk to the mail box, to walk the dog. Anything to get out and breath some fresh air. It has helped me, and maybe it can help you.
retinax
Well-known
Do not hesitate to seek help (I did and I'm getting better, feeling more creative than I have in a long time). That's not to say the problem is on you - it sucks, having to approach a systemic problem on a personal level. It is the virus, and the system. But you deserve to, and should, feel better.
You may feel that as a mental health professional, you should be able to cope on your own, not tie up resources. Better look at it this way: You're a multiplier. If you're feeling better, you can help others better.
"Bringing photographic techniques in to rehabilitation of survivors of stroke, TBI, and spinal cord injury" sounds very interesting, can you share a bit with the forum?
You may feel that as a mental health professional, you should be able to cope on your own, not tie up resources. Better look at it this way: You're a multiplier. If you're feeling better, you can help others better.
"Bringing photographic techniques in to rehabilitation of survivors of stroke, TBI, and spinal cord injury" sounds very interesting, can you share a bit with the forum?
Rob-F
Likes Leicas
Phil, the necessity of avoiding the spread of the Covid 19 virus has affected all of us who are mental health professionals. Few of us are seeing clients in person, but only over the phone. By curtailing your face-to-face counseling activities, you are helping to save lives! Quite possibly your own life as well as the patient's lives.
When you say you "phoned in" your thesis, does this mean you had phone contact with your clients? Or might it be possible to do so? Phone therapy is working out very well. By now I have several new clients I've never seen face-to-face. It goes surprisingly well. I'm even doing EMDR over the phone! It works! There's an article in the Psychotherapy Networker this month about the surprising intimacy of phone therapy. It's true. Could you switch to this modality?
Put your camera gear away for a while. Don't overreact. Adapt to the situation and find the best way to be of service during this crisis.
When you say you "phoned in" your thesis, does this mean you had phone contact with your clients? Or might it be possible to do so? Phone therapy is working out very well. By now I have several new clients I've never seen face-to-face. It goes surprisingly well. I'm even doing EMDR over the phone! It works! There's an article in the Psychotherapy Networker this month about the surprising intimacy of phone therapy. It's true. Could you switch to this modality?
Put your camera gear away for a while. Don't overreact. Adapt to the situation and find the best way to be of service during this crisis.
paulfish4570
Veteran
He knows your pain ...
Phil_F_NM
Camera hacker
Rob, I do exclusively phone and zoom sessions. I'm really having a hard time with people actually answering the phone or showing up lately. It's very frustrating doing the casework and notation for a session I'm not getting paid for. As for "phoning in" my thesis, I was meaning that colloquially, that I didn't put much effort into finishing it the way I wanted.
Thanks to everyone else with your kind words. I feel like I have little to complain about in comparison to the struggles and persistent issues of others out there, including some here on RFF.
I had a dream to buy a house in 2021. Things were in motion, things were looking up in a big way for the first time in over a decade. Now I'm just hoping I can continue to pay my rent.
That future which looks a lot like my past 15 years of struggle is not something I want to even move towards.
Phil Forrest
Ccoppola82
Well-known
Keep your chin up. You’ve had a monumental accomplishment which happened to be at one of the lowest points in modern history. Things will turn around. The pendulum swings both directions and will continue to do so. The world will require your skill set undoing the damage that’s been done this past year. Hopefully you can just start going for a walk and enjoying some smaller things creatively. I think it helps to have that sort of routine. I’m a busy body and have had my business mandatorily closed for nearly half the year. It sucks but it is nothing compared to what my grandparents experienced. They were born in the Great Depression with nothing...their teen years were spent during WWII and the rationing and fear of that...then my grandfather was drafted to the Korean War. My father and uncle were coming of age to be drafted during Vietnam, and up until 89 they were in constant fear of nuclear war with USSR. Then 9/11 and the fear that came with that and their grandsons (my brother and I) were of age to serve. Now this. It sucks, but WE CAN OVERCOME this just like everything else humans have overcome in our painful history. Chin up, move forward. Good luck. Maybe make yourself a photo project? Diary? Photo diary? Anything to work the mind and occupy.
robert blu
quiet photographer
It's a difficult time, we all know it.
And it is difficult for me to answer in an appropriate way I can only repeat what Lynn says a few post above:
"Take care of yourself, Phil.
Things will get better.
It may take a bit of time but it will happen."
Wish all the best.
And it is difficult for me to answer in an appropriate way I can only repeat what Lynn says a few post above:
"Take care of yourself, Phil.
Things will get better.
It may take a bit of time but it will happen."
Wish all the best.
ASA 32
Well-known
Phil, I just took a look at your wonderful photographs, and I think it would be a shame for you to give up on photography. I'm a 75 year old who has suffered from bouts of depression all my life, and if there is one thing I've learned it's that these deep, dark times are not forever. With time and professional help you will feel better, and perhaps then you will rediscover the joy you have found in photography, as well as in the other spheres of your life. I send you all my good wishes as you weather this storm.
Unfortunately, you had a passion for what you were doing and circumstances got in the way. I'm sure they were just trying to do you a favor since many students just want the grade. I can't imagine paying the insane prices for college / graduate program and then experiencing it online. That's tough.
Hey man, don't force anything. Sleep... it's ok. Give yourself the time. Get some help if you need it. Don't force yourself to do photography. Find something else. I've been there and done it during super depressed periods in the past (meaning just sleep and listened to music). I gave up photography for 8 years once! I hope this episode is shorter rather than longer for you. Hang in there.
benlees
Well-known
Sometimes 'good enough' is actually... good enough. Worrying about perfection can lead to a lack of even trying, and little gets done. Nothing teaches better than failure. Next time, just fail better. And on and on. No promises have been made so don't worry about keeping them. For myself, just getting out the door is all the difference. Man, it is hard to do even that sometimes but it is always worth it. Go look around and think about this bizarre (good or bad!) world we live in. Always good to remember that everyone suffers, and beautiful lives have been lived in tough times with nary a Leica about 
I wish you well!
I wish you well!
rhl-oregon
Cameras Guitars Wonders
Phil—this was hard to read, and doubtless harder to write. But you didn’t phone it in here, however you feel about the most recent draft of your thesis; you wrote this report of the state of your soul and life well, and you trusted this audience with it. That counts, too. The trust and disclosure as well as the care in writing it.
I see many good-hearted responses, and I hope you can take the good from them. I’m around via PM if having a good reader might help concerning the exercise of pushing the stone uphill. I know that language inside out.
I see many good-hearted responses, and I hope you can take the good from them. I’m around via PM if having a good reader might help concerning the exercise of pushing the stone uphill. I know that language inside out.
shawn
Veteran
I work in the same field but in a different capacity.
Under normal circumstances this is an incredibly demanding, important, frustrating, mentally draining field that can also be incredibly rewarding.
With the entirely bizarre situation we are all in now it is just that much more difficult, and even more important.
Those of us that have been doing this awhile tend to look at past 'wins' to help keep driving us to move forward when things get hard. If you are new to the field not having those past experiences must be very difficult.
*Always* look for the wins. They are there but you have to look for them or they can easily be missed. Don't use a pre-pandemic rubric to grade yourself. It is a different world and success needs to be judged from a different lens.
See if you can setup daily or weekly zoom meetings with colleagues for vent/self care sessions or to just virtually have a beer together. Those connections with colleagues are extremely important under normal circumstances, they are critical now. Sometimes just knowing others are going through the same thing helps tremendously and can reduce the feeling of isolation and the extremely disheartening feeling of thinking we are being ineffective for our clients/patients/students. Just because sometimes we may feel that way doesn't make it reality.
And it is OK to not be OK some days.
Shawn
Under normal circumstances this is an incredibly demanding, important, frustrating, mentally draining field that can also be incredibly rewarding.
With the entirely bizarre situation we are all in now it is just that much more difficult, and even more important.
Those of us that have been doing this awhile tend to look at past 'wins' to help keep driving us to move forward when things get hard. If you are new to the field not having those past experiences must be very difficult.
*Always* look for the wins. They are there but you have to look for them or they can easily be missed. Don't use a pre-pandemic rubric to grade yourself. It is a different world and success needs to be judged from a different lens.
See if you can setup daily or weekly zoom meetings with colleagues for vent/self care sessions or to just virtually have a beer together. Those connections with colleagues are extremely important under normal circumstances, they are critical now. Sometimes just knowing others are going through the same thing helps tremendously and can reduce the feeling of isolation and the extremely disheartening feeling of thinking we are being ineffective for our clients/patients/students. Just because sometimes we may feel that way doesn't make it reality.
And it is OK to not be OK some days.
Shawn
DLox
Member
'Evening Phil. As I read your story, you were working in a world with a complex structure which was 'yours'. By government edict brought on by this C-19 thing your whole structure was reduced to wreckage and you found yourself with no world of work and descended into a despondency. A man, called Kerry Irvine, who lives in Keswick in Cumbria, found himself in a similar situation, as a result of a car accident, with a severe spinal injury. Eventually he met a Spaniel called MAX and now has a Facebook site and a book which tells of his road to recovery. It is very emotional but uplifting.
I recommend his book:- 'MAX the Miracle Dog' by Kerry Irvine.
His Facebook site is 'MAX out in the Lake District'.
Be assured, you have skills which will be sorely needed.
I recommend his book:- 'MAX the Miracle Dog' by Kerry Irvine.
His Facebook site is 'MAX out in the Lake District'.
Be assured, you have skills which will be sorely needed.
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jmilkins
Digited User
Dear Phil,
Thank you for doing the most important thing - reaching out to a community connected through a shared interest, diverse and geographically dispersed as we are.
I'm not a mental health professional , but my wife is, and together with our small family we've experienced 8 months of increasingly hard lockdown in Melbourne Australia. At its harshest, it meant being allowed outside for a maximum 1 hour a day for anything but urgent medical need, food, or care for vulnerable relatives in our immediate family circle.
My wife lost her job and my mother passed away in an isolated locked down aged care home, but enough about our circumstances - everyone has been impacted by this scourge.
What I wanted to say is that on the other side (for now) of this COVID cyclone the new normal has beautiful moments of discovery and re-connection. And that during the lockdown, we experienced things in ways that we would never have done in the past. There can be intimacy in a streamed music concert, or wonder in arm chair travel with a you tube photographer you discover.
And as the clouds lift, the sun shines through and illuminates the things we've taken for granted all those years that were just there. After any trauma, the mundane can seem marvelous and there is joy in the smell of rain, the gleam of colour, or the sound of a shutter.
I hope you come to see that your efforts for those in your care give them strengths they may not yet have realised. And that you too will feel the spark of renewal that can bring new creativity, or allow you to revisit your past projects with new perspectives.
all the best,
Thank you for doing the most important thing - reaching out to a community connected through a shared interest, diverse and geographically dispersed as we are.
I'm not a mental health professional , but my wife is, and together with our small family we've experienced 8 months of increasingly hard lockdown in Melbourne Australia. At its harshest, it meant being allowed outside for a maximum 1 hour a day for anything but urgent medical need, food, or care for vulnerable relatives in our immediate family circle.
My wife lost her job and my mother passed away in an isolated locked down aged care home, but enough about our circumstances - everyone has been impacted by this scourge.
What I wanted to say is that on the other side (for now) of this COVID cyclone the new normal has beautiful moments of discovery and re-connection. And that during the lockdown, we experienced things in ways that we would never have done in the past. There can be intimacy in a streamed music concert, or wonder in arm chair travel with a you tube photographer you discover.
And as the clouds lift, the sun shines through and illuminates the things we've taken for granted all those years that were just there. After any trauma, the mundane can seem marvelous and there is joy in the smell of rain, the gleam of colour, or the sound of a shutter.
I hope you come to see that your efforts for those in your care give them strengths they may not yet have realised. And that you too will feel the spark of renewal that can bring new creativity, or allow you to revisit your past projects with new perspectives.
all the best,