Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Tommy! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do" his mother insisted.
"We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Tommy explained.
"But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."



:D Lucky me... I live with "Grandma".
 
An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy St. Paddy's day, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll quit me Whiskey. I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in front of the pub at which time, he looks skyward again and says, "Never mind, I found one."
 
A man is sitting in a fancy restaurant when his food finally arrives at his table. As the plate is being served the man notices the waiter has his thumb resting on the edge of his steak.
"Umm, excuse me," the man says, "but I couldn't help but notice you had your thumb on my steak."
"Yes, I know, sir," the waiter responds, "but I didn't want to drop it again."
 
I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
"Don't be silly," she said, "You can borrow my iPad".
That spider never knew what hit it.
 
Now, there's this guy, proud of his brand new Porsche, standing in front of the traffic lights waiting for them to turn green, when an old grey guy on a worn out looking and noisily put-putting moped pulls up next to him.

Somewhat irritated, because who's this guy who's got the guts to put his ratty looking moped next to his shiny set of wheels, the Porsche guys decides to show mr. Moped his place in the order of things.

So, the very moment the lights turn green, he steps on the gas and immediately leaves the moped guy far behind. Within a couple of seconds and with a big smile on his face, he's reached 60 mph, and is ready to enjoy the ride..

After a while however, he notices something next to him.. it's the guy on the moped who's keeping up! What the #@3#, he thinks, and pushes the gas pedal further, leaving the moped guy behind again. He's now over the speed limit, but hey, a Porsche should outrun a moped anyday, shouldn't it?

This pleasure doesn't last long however, as the guy on the moped again catches up, although to be fair, it seems like he's got to work hard to do so.

Mr. Porsche is now completely annoyed, and floors the gas. The magnificent car responds instantly and the needle on the speedometer climbs and climbs, 150, 160, 170, 180, 190..200 and on until it won't go no further. Hah!, that should do it!

But by Jove!, looking over his shoulder, he sees the moped guy, grim faced and hunched over the handle bars, knuckles white from holding on to them, coming closer at insane speed, and worse even, overtaking him. Drats!

Come the next traffic lights, he catches up with the moped and asks "what the heck kind of moped is that, that it can go faster than my Porsche?"..

...

"Well, it's not that this moped is so special, it's only that my suspenders got caught on your side view mirror :)"
 
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.
 
On a so-far-smooth cross-country air flight all of a sudden there was a bang and a sharp swerve. The announcement came on.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, we've lost power in our right engine. Please don't worry, we'll divert to the nearest airport and have it checked out.

A few minutes later there was another big bang.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, if you look out the left windows, you will see that we have a fire in the left engine. Don't worry, we should have enough altitude to make it to the nearest airport.

The plane goes lower and lower and people are starting to panic. All of a sudden there is a loud "whooooosh" of air and the oxygen masks drop down.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, as you see we've lost cabin pressure. Don't worry, please put on your oxygen masks and use them for the remainder of the flight.

Then a few minutes later there is another announcement.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain, if you look out the right windows you will see five dots below you. Those are parachutes, the Captain, the First Officer, and the three Flight Attendants. This is a recording!

And, thank you for flying United!
 
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave (long)

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the **** is that on the balcony with Dave?'
 
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
 
I think my neighbour is stalking me - she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
 
US Customs, ATF and the FBI hold a press conference to demo their new trained canines. The Customs dog sniffs out and retrieves a bit of coke that had been planted in the audience. The ATF dog sniffs out and retrieves a bit of explosive that had been planted in the audience. The FBI dog grabs the coke and explosive from the other two dogs, has intercourse with them and holds a press conference.

And that comes from thirty three years as a government agent, the last 22 for CBP.
 
We've already had one racist joke -- the Irishman and the parking space -- so insert the race of your choice in the following. In the USA the jokes about stupid people are Polish jokes; in the UK, Irish; in France, Belgian; in India, Sikh; in Tibet, Tsangpa:

A Tsangpa is given a pair of water skis and spends his next five vacations looking for a lake with a slope.

With apologies to the guy with the camera that has a wonky viewfinder (his post reminded me of the joke).

Cheers,

R.
 
When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
 
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
 
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