Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!

[Doug]

“How did the merchant tell his apprentice to cheat the Indian holy man who was buying meat in the meat market?”

“Weigh down upon the Swami liver.”



“Someone mugged the egg roll vendor!”

“It was a case of wanton destruction.”



“Rudolph Karposki was a high official in the communist party. What did the weather man nervously tell his wife who was arguing with Karposki about whether or not to bring an umbrella?”

“Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!”

 

[Bill Clark]

Stay away from negative people.

They have a problem for every solution.

 

[dmr]

Q: If you make a regular screwdriver with vodka and OJ, how do you make a philips screwdriver?


A: Vodka and Milk of Magnesia.

 

[Bill Clark]

SOME WORDS OF ADVICE.. 🙂
1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
2. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
3. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
4. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. Always remember that you’re unique, just like everyone else…
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
13. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
14. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

[dmr]

At a Hebrew day school, the instructor noticed that little Irving was daydreaming and looking off into space as a lesson on the Christian Easter was given.

"Irving, would you please come to the front and explain what Christians believe about Easter?"

Irving reluctantly stepped to the front of the classroom.

"Well, it's like this.

Jesus was sent to court and sentenced to death.

On Good Friday he was executed.

Two days later he woke up.

Got up, went outside.

Then he saw his shadow and went back inside and they had more winter."

 

[Doug]

BASTILLE DAY JOKE:

As the dawn rose on Thermidore, Madame La Farge clocked in the morning’s first client, the King’s Sous Chef. “Yes,” said he, “I am a Royalist, and its true that I introduced tiny portions at outrageous prices... but I demand the dignity of meeting the blade on my back to see the sky just one last time.”

With a shrug from Madame, his wish was granted. The rope was pulled… and nothing happened.

“An act of God!” cried the crowd. “Set him free!”

Next was the King’s accountant. “Yes,” said he, “I am a Royalist, and its true that I created la Forme 1040. But I think I’ll go for that sky option too.”

After a moment’s hesitation from Madame, his wish was granted. The rope was pulled… and nothing happened.

“An act of God!” cried the crowd. “Set him free!”

Third was the King’s engineer, the famed architect of Versailles, genius of the astrolabe, crafter of fountains, and a beta version of some ‘calculating machine.’ “Sky Class for me too, if you don’t mind.”

With deeply furrowed brow, Madame nodded her assent. The engineer, resting his neck on the block gazed up at the sky, and at the top of the guillotine where the release latch hung.

“Hey, I think I can see exactly what your problem is here...”

 

[PhotoGog]

What's blue and white? A fridge with a denim jacket.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Roger Hicks]

A wise old man was telling his grandson that he should always think hard about everything he was told. "For example," he said, "Here's a riddle. What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles"

The boy looks puzzled, so the old man says, "A kipper."

"But a kipper isn't green!"

-- "It is if you paint it."

"And it doesn't hang on the wall!"

-- "It does if you nail it there."

"But it doesn't whistle!"

The old man shrugged. "So I lied about the whistling..."

For some reason I always think of this as a political joke.

Cheers,

R.

 

[dmr]

Two relatively new {fill in appropriate socio-ethnic or hair color group here} airline pilots were attempting a landing in very stormy weather at an unfamiliar airport.

After circling for an hour or so, the weather let up just enough so they could try a landing.

Okay, we're going in!
Roger
Airspeed?
Check!
Flaps?
Check!
Landing lights?
Check!
Glide slope?
Check!

The plane descended through the clouds and finally screeched to a halt just inches from the end of the runway pavement.

"Wow, that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"
"Yeah, gotta be the widest one too!"

 

[Bill Clark]

Larry: I stayed up last night to see if I snored! And I didn't!

 

[dmr]

Melania takes Baron and Tiffany shopping.

They approach the check-out clerk.

Melania: Vell, vot do you tink?
Baron: Cool, mom, I like it.
Tiffany: This is a great place to shop!

Melania: {to clerk} Ve'll buy the schtorr.
Clerk: Certainly ma'am, {tap-tap-click-click} that will be $4,736,348.04. Will that be cash, check, or charge?
Tiffany: Wait! I have a 5% off coupon.
Clerk: In that case {tap-tap, click-click} that will be $4,499,530.64.

 

[Bill Clark]

A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a laugh; "You're kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

 

[blumoon]

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude" with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....But all men...Are men!

 

[Bill Clark]

It's hot, hot in Florida!

Have a great weekend!

 

[mad mike]

Hey,Blumoon. What's with the picking on Cork?

 

[Tim Murphy]

Another Irish one

Another Irish one

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude" with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb.....But all men...Are men!

A Texan walks into a pub in Cork and says, "I hear you Irishmen are big drinkers? I'll bet there ain't one of you that can drink 15 pints of Guinness in 15 minutes and I have 5000 euros to bet to prove it. You have 30 minutes to prove me wrong boys."

A slight man quietly sneaks out of the bar. He hurriedly returned with 15 minutes on the clock and says, "You're on lad!"

With two seconds to spare the man finishes the last pint. The Texan walks over to him and hands him the money but asks the man where he went for 15 minutes when the bet was first made?

The man says to him, " 5000 euros is a pile of money to me so I snuck out to the pub across the street to prove to meself it could be done."

Regards,

Tim Murphy

Harrisburg, PA 🙂

 

[Pherdinand]

What's the second most photographed american city, after New York?
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Lol

 

[robbeiflex]

A husband and wife are arguing, and as her anger peaks she says "you only hear what you want to hear". At this point he is tired of fighting and was not really listening, and he responds "sure, I'll have a beer."

 

[dmr]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amy Fisher.
Amy Fisher who?
***BANG!***

(Google it if you don't get it.) 🙂

 

[Doug]

Musician Jokes

Q: How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. She holds it and the world revolves around her.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 12,001. 1 to screw it in, 2000 to record the event and take pictures
of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Q: How do you make a musician stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What is an example of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.