Bill Clark
Veteran
Life is like a taxi; the meter's running whether you are going anywhere or not!
Got a Joke to Tell? Please keep it clean!
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More musical humor...
Q: What is the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How do you make a trombone really sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and miss at least half the notes.
Q: How do you make a French horn really sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and play out of tune.
Q: How do you make a trombone player’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the Domino’s Pizza delivery sign off the top.
Q: What is the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the rear.
Q: What is the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.
Q: How do you make a trombone really sound like a French horn?
A: Stick your hand in the bell and miss at least half the notes.
Q: How do you make a French horn really sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and play out of tune.
Q: How do you make a trombone player’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the Domino’s Pizza delivery sign off the top.
Q: What is the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the rear.
Bill Clark
Veteran
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.
God says, "No, you have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips.
She looks great!
The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.
"That's true," says God. "So what happened?" she asks.
God shrugs.” I didn't recognize you."
God says, "No, you have 30 more years to live."
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips.
She looks great!
The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.
"That's true," says God. "So what happened?" she asks.
God shrugs.” I didn't recognize you."
drinkingeye
Well-known
Rob-F
Likes Leicas
OK. This man and his wife were at the airport. The man suddenly says, "I wish I had brought my piano."
The wife asks, "Why would you want to bring your piano to the airport?"
"Because our tickets are on it."
The wife asks, "Why would you want to bring your piano to the airport?"
"Because our tickets are on it."
Bill Clark
Veteran
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Bill Clark
Veteran
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
filmtwit
Desperate but not serious
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Preëxisting.
Preëxisting who?
If your last name is “condition,” you can just keep moving right along, pal.
Who’s there?
Preëxisting.
Preëxisting who?
If your last name is “condition,” you can just keep moving right along, pal.
Rob-F
Likes Leicas
I don't get it. what is a minor second?
Carriage
Established
The interval between two adjacent keys on a piano. i.e. Two pitches that are as close as possible while still being considered different notes in western music (and probably others)
Chris101
summicronia
Ya learn so much here!
My favorite musical joke is that if a musician misses a note, it's likely to have been a mistake. If they miss more, they're playing jazz.
My favorite musical joke is that if a musician misses a note, it's likely to have been a mistake. If they miss more, they're playing jazz.
lynnb
Veteran
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck." Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
> .
> .
> ..
> .
> .
"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck." Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
> .
> .
> ..
> .
> .
"What would they want with a plasterer??!"
Bill Clark
Veteran
The guys down at the barber shop asked me what Hollywood bombshell actress I'd like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I thought for a minute and said, "Any one of 'em that knows how to fix elevators, I suppose."
I thought for a minute and said, "Any one of 'em that knows how to fix elevators, I suppose."
Bill Clark
Veteran
*A sign in a shoe repair store*: "We will heel you, We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you!"
At an *Eye Clinic* : "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”;
On a *Plumber's truck* : "We repair what your husband fixed”;
On an *Electrician's truck* : "Let us remove your shorts”;
In a *Non-smoking Area* : "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action”;
At a *Car Dealership* : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;
At the *Electric Company* : "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”;
In a *Restaurant window* : "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;
In the front yard of a *Funeral Home* : "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;
Last but not least and I LOVE THIS..........
Sign on the back of *Septic Tank Truck* :
*"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"*
We will even dye for you!"
At an *Eye Clinic* : "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”;
On a *Plumber's truck* : "We repair what your husband fixed”;
On an *Electrician's truck* : "Let us remove your shorts”;
In a *Non-smoking Area* : "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action”;
At a *Car Dealership* : "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;
At the *Electric Company* : "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”;
In a *Restaurant window* : "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;
In the front yard of a *Funeral Home* : "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;
Last but not least and I LOVE THIS..........
Sign on the back of *Septic Tank Truck* :
*"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"*
CMur12
Veteran
Bill Clark
Veteran
In a church on one Sunday morning a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front of the altar."
With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
He replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter's ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Peter, how is your hearing now?"
Peter answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday."
With that, Peter got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Peter, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
He replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Peter's ear, placed his other hand on top of Peter's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Peter, how is your hearing now?"
Peter answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday."
Bill Clark
Veteran
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. The counselor asked, "Please describe your two loves."
"Well, one is a great poet."
"And the other?"
"The other makes delicious pancakes."
"I see. So, you can't decide whether to marry for batter or for verse."
"Well, one is a great poet."
"And the other?"
"The other makes delicious pancakes."
"I see. So, you can't decide whether to marry for batter or for verse."
Bill Clark
Veteran
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down!
A couple of guys on InterNet have collected examples of malapropism (humorous misspelling of words). These are phrases that are heard often in conversation, but when they appear misspelled in print, they take on a whole new meaning. Here are some examples:
for all intensive purposes
since time in memorial
it’s a doggy-dog world
a set of chester drawers
an old wise tale
a sieze-fire
an escape goat
too one-track mined
a new, clear war
under-line meaning
a mute point
low and behold
don’t take a fence
has a stigmatism
just my too cents worth
all for not
statue of limitations
a partial of land
a social conscious
willfully inadequate
I’m uphauled
increases expidentially
a sledge and reindeer
supposably
Just as soon as this list was posted, someone on the network wrote this:
I’m uphauled! This display of ignorance is just the kind of thing that anyone with a social conscious is ashamed of. Education today is clearly willfully inadequate, and has been since time in memorial. People are always ready to blame things on an escape goat, but for all intensive purposes, it’s a doggy-dog world. Complaints about the school system are all for not. And the problem seems to be increasing expidentially.
These are the sort of people that could start a new, clear war, and you can just forget about a seize-fire then. Some may say that the decline of education is just an old wise tale, but they’re too one-track mined.
If you don’t believe me, look at the warning on an AutoShade someday. It says that the shade must be removed before driving the car. Supposably people can’t figure this out for themselves. Maybe the warning is just for those with a stigmatism. Or maybe it’s to protect the manufacturer from the statue of limitations.
The under-line meaning of all this is clear, but don’t take a fence; this is just my too cents worth. Anyway it’s a mute point.
———————————
for all intensive purposes
since time in memorial
it’s a doggy-dog world
a set of chester drawers
an old wise tale
a sieze-fire
an escape goat
too one-track mined
a new, clear war
under-line meaning
a mute point
low and behold
don’t take a fence
has a stigmatism
just my too cents worth
all for not
statue of limitations
a partial of land
a social conscious
willfully inadequate
I’m uphauled
increases expidentially
a sledge and reindeer
supposably
Just as soon as this list was posted, someone on the network wrote this:
I’m uphauled! This display of ignorance is just the kind of thing that anyone with a social conscious is ashamed of. Education today is clearly willfully inadequate, and has been since time in memorial. People are always ready to blame things on an escape goat, but for all intensive purposes, it’s a doggy-dog world. Complaints about the school system are all for not. And the problem seems to be increasing expidentially.
These are the sort of people that could start a new, clear war, and you can just forget about a seize-fire then. Some may say that the decline of education is just an old wise tale, but they’re too one-track mined.
If you don’t believe me, look at the warning on an AutoShade someday. It says that the shade must be removed before driving the car. Supposably people can’t figure this out for themselves. Maybe the warning is just for those with a stigmatism. Or maybe it’s to protect the manufacturer from the statue of limitations.
The under-line meaning of all this is clear, but don’t take a fence; this is just my too cents worth. Anyway it’s a mute point.
———————————
lynnb
Veteran
Doug, that's wonderful!
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